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A letter to life
10 years ago
General
Classified info. For D.E squad members only.
As some probably have noticed over the years I've been sharing my art, as of late, I have become a very reserved person, barely commenting or showing activity over at these sites. I really don't like sharing my problems and concerns, since I feel that is something one has to take care of and no one else. So this journal is not a pathetic cry for attention, but just the last alternative I've found to relieve this emotional anguish, anxiety and anger from my system. I don't need help, but just release myself from this by writing it down and thinking that at least someone would give it a glance.
I've never been the best person in this world. Not even good in the slightest. My life is riddled with mistakes, bad choices and overall mediocrity. Never was a good student, worker, son, brother or friend. I spent almost a decade doing absolutely nothing with my life, other than building hatred towards humanity and slowly consuming myself in my little fantasy world.
But somehow that little fantasy world eventually made me cross paths with people that I slowly started to appreciate. And for the first time I felt that life wasn't so bad. With time, I felt hope again that life could be better.
I've tried so hard in the past, but no matter how much effort I put into things, failure is always the result. Eventually, I just gave up on life. As long as I had my dog, my cats and my imagination, I could manage to put up with life until the end.
But something happened a few years back that eventually led me to have... hope again. To try it once more. Maybe this time, this last effort could be the one that showed me what is the path that life has for me.
For the last year or so, I've done so much more than I've done in my entire life. For the first time I managed to completely beat and destroy ADD(yes; it is real and whoever thinks the opposite, or tries to be a fucking smartass about it deserves to be beaten to death. And yes; the only cure is yourself), lack of commitment, apathy and hopelessness. I've even forced and taught myself to be okay with other people. To even be happy to be with people. To even be attached to people.
But who knows if it's me, or life itself... Maybe it's me to blame.... who knows. However, in the past months, I genuinely feel that all the effort is in vain. I have reached the point were I feel like there isn't anything else for me. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. Everyday is a massive struggle for me, trying to fight against uncertainty, but I think and feel as if I've lost the battle.
Getting to this point has been hard, because at least when I was home, even if I did nothing and had very little, I had that second choice. I had that hope that I could try it once again in the future, even if for most of the time I felt hopeless. Now that I've made that effort, that leap, I have found myself with the harsh reality... I really have no purpose. I have no reason or point for making this effort. I really have no future, since I don't have any real aspirations in life. I feel as if I'm waiting for something, but that something isn't there. I am not worth anything to myself or anyone, even if people claim the opposite. All this effort has come with sacrifices, and those sacrifices are the only things that kept me ticking; my excuse for living. Now they have been shifted to a second plain, or downright gone from my life... And for what? I've asked myself today... Really, for nothing.
It wouldn't be this frustrating if life wasn't so hard every day. But life for me consists on that eternal wait for something that I can't reach, or that I don't even know what it is. My life consists on having absolutely no control over it or relying on sheer chance, obscured by the ever-tormenting uncertainty. That is killing me slowly... The anxiety and stress has become unbearable. And what is worst is that it has greatly affected the only things that once gave me a purpose.
What makes it even harder is being away from the comfort of home... There are moments when I feel like an intruder. Like a burden or a stain in someone's life. This feeling is worst when I see others family, and even when I hide myself, I can't stop to feel that I am a stranger or unwanted. It is during those moments when I miss the warmth of being with one's own family... Something that I never appreciated before.
I am very independent, yes, and I cant take care of my own problems for most of the time, but there are times when I simply have no control... And that's when the anxiety starts. I have no right to ask for help, but sometimes I need it badly... But people have their own life and problems to take care of and I have no right.
All this... knowing I have no future, no hope. Knowing that my writing and my art simply can't flourish the way it did before. Having no purpose for this effort. Knowing that I probably won't see my dog again... Knowing I probably won't even be able to have a dog again, which is something that gives me a purpose. Knowing that I'm really not working for anything in particular... Feeling like an intruder, being misjudged... Not having control...
All this makes again the idea of death the only way of finding peace. I am not saying I would attempt against myself, but that just the fantasy of dying, either by uncontrolled events, or by my own hand is what at the moment gives me peace.
Once I felt the joy of loneliness. Today I feel so alone, and for some reason, that loneliness is killing me.
Thank you for letting me post this. I apologize if it's too grim, or simply pathetic. But it made me feel a bit better.
I've never been the best person in this world. Not even good in the slightest. My life is riddled with mistakes, bad choices and overall mediocrity. Never was a good student, worker, son, brother or friend. I spent almost a decade doing absolutely nothing with my life, other than building hatred towards humanity and slowly consuming myself in my little fantasy world.
But somehow that little fantasy world eventually made me cross paths with people that I slowly started to appreciate. And for the first time I felt that life wasn't so bad. With time, I felt hope again that life could be better.
I've tried so hard in the past, but no matter how much effort I put into things, failure is always the result. Eventually, I just gave up on life. As long as I had my dog, my cats and my imagination, I could manage to put up with life until the end.
But something happened a few years back that eventually led me to have... hope again. To try it once more. Maybe this time, this last effort could be the one that showed me what is the path that life has for me.
For the last year or so, I've done so much more than I've done in my entire life. For the first time I managed to completely beat and destroy ADD(yes; it is real and whoever thinks the opposite, or tries to be a fucking smartass about it deserves to be beaten to death. And yes; the only cure is yourself), lack of commitment, apathy and hopelessness. I've even forced and taught myself to be okay with other people. To even be happy to be with people. To even be attached to people.
But who knows if it's me, or life itself... Maybe it's me to blame.... who knows. However, in the past months, I genuinely feel that all the effort is in vain. I have reached the point were I feel like there isn't anything else for me. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. Everyday is a massive struggle for me, trying to fight against uncertainty, but I think and feel as if I've lost the battle.
Getting to this point has been hard, because at least when I was home, even if I did nothing and had very little, I had that second choice. I had that hope that I could try it once again in the future, even if for most of the time I felt hopeless. Now that I've made that effort, that leap, I have found myself with the harsh reality... I really have no purpose. I have no reason or point for making this effort. I really have no future, since I don't have any real aspirations in life. I feel as if I'm waiting for something, but that something isn't there. I am not worth anything to myself or anyone, even if people claim the opposite. All this effort has come with sacrifices, and those sacrifices are the only things that kept me ticking; my excuse for living. Now they have been shifted to a second plain, or downright gone from my life... And for what? I've asked myself today... Really, for nothing.
It wouldn't be this frustrating if life wasn't so hard every day. But life for me consists on that eternal wait for something that I can't reach, or that I don't even know what it is. My life consists on having absolutely no control over it or relying on sheer chance, obscured by the ever-tormenting uncertainty. That is killing me slowly... The anxiety and stress has become unbearable. And what is worst is that it has greatly affected the only things that once gave me a purpose.
What makes it even harder is being away from the comfort of home... There are moments when I feel like an intruder. Like a burden or a stain in someone's life. This feeling is worst when I see others family, and even when I hide myself, I can't stop to feel that I am a stranger or unwanted. It is during those moments when I miss the warmth of being with one's own family... Something that I never appreciated before.
I am very independent, yes, and I cant take care of my own problems for most of the time, but there are times when I simply have no control... And that's when the anxiety starts. I have no right to ask for help, but sometimes I need it badly... But people have their own life and problems to take care of and I have no right.
All this... knowing I have no future, no hope. Knowing that my writing and my art simply can't flourish the way it did before. Having no purpose for this effort. Knowing that I probably won't see my dog again... Knowing I probably won't even be able to have a dog again, which is something that gives me a purpose. Knowing that I'm really not working for anything in particular... Feeling like an intruder, being misjudged... Not having control...
All this makes again the idea of death the only way of finding peace. I am not saying I would attempt against myself, but that just the fantasy of dying, either by uncontrolled events, or by my own hand is what at the moment gives me peace.
Once I felt the joy of loneliness. Today I feel so alone, and for some reason, that loneliness is killing me.
Thank you for letting me post this. I apologize if it's too grim, or simply pathetic. But it made me feel a bit better.
And, I hope life will be kind to you in the future. Because you're an amazing person. Even if you don't think that you are, I believe so, and so will others. You have inspired me with your ideas, and I wish the best of luck for you.
(I'm absolutely terrible with words, but here you go.)
I do think I can relate a bit to how you feel, though the last thing I want to do is bore you with any details. And don't worry, sometimes letting everything out helps.
It's clear that everything you've done is more then just a story and some art. It all holds a lot of value to you, more then I think most would understand.
There's a number of people who wouldn't mind helping, whether it's asking around the community or just asking a friend or someone you know well. Well yeah, everyone has issues in their life, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve help. Heck you might unintentionally help them with something. There's only so much one can do alone, and that can easily relate to many things.
Over all, I doubt I will completely understand everything in your life. I'm not to sure what else I can say honestly. This world is big, many different and similar people. And letting everything out every once an awhile doesn't hurt, if anything it's healthy. Just take care of yourself and hang in there. Sometimes it's when you try to find something that you completely overlook it. I do hope you will find something worth more then just dealing with in your life, and that it gets better.
People have already touched on most of the stuff I have knowledge on, so I'll just skip ahead and just say that you are VERY important to me.
Not only as a friend, but also as a HUGE inspiration. There's not a single drawing I do nowadays that I don't think, "What would Husky think about this?"
(I'm not saying that just to be nice; it's absolutely true, and it's helped me rethink some pieces / work a TON on anatomy etc.)
I don't know what's going on where you're at, but I really hope you understand how incredibly awesome I think you are.
You are probably one of the most important people in my life too as your art has that something that gives me such a warm feeling and reason to smile. Artist are many, but none with the soul that Kai the Lion has. You too are a great source of inspiration to me. And the gifts that you've given to me and WhitePawPrints have such an immense value to me that I can hardly put in words.
Thank you, my friend :)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing your problems or concerns, we all need to let things out and be open sometimes, even if doing so makes us feel guilty or believe that it's wasting someone else's time. Letting this out and sharing what troubles you will show you just how many people do care and that they are still here for you, no matter what is happening in their own lives.
I won't try to act like I know your troubles, or pretend to have experience in helping or dealing with such things, I can only say what I feel.
This will seem like I am copying what someone else had already said, but it is still true to me. YOU have been a massive inspiration to not just me, but many others. You have been a true inspiration with your artwork, your originality and very different way of approaching things.
I am glad to say I am not the only one. You are someone we have looked to, do and will look to for inspiration and a friend.
On the occasions that we have spoken, I have always seen you as a friendly person, and have always enjoyed the conversations we have had.
I wish things get better and feel easier now that you've "vented it out", even if by a small amount, and I hope you remember that you will still have many people who care and will happily listen.
This is something you ran from for years, something a lot of people try to avoid, but eventually that train hits you, which is the only way for you to finally get off the tracks. It would have happened ten years ago if you'd let it so you're a little late to the dance but that doesn't matter because you're there now. You've identified a large portion of the problem - you don't know what you're looking for. That's a large part of eventually overcoming it, but now you need to do one of two things, either find that purpose to strive for, or identify if said purpose is just a convenient marker for success set by those before you. Perhaps you think you should be striving to be CEO like a lot of people think, or maybe what you actually need is the financial stability to keep drawing and writing your huskies coupled with companionship to fill in some of those spaces that you haven't found the pieces for, within. Because people need help, and you'll notice how desperately humans try to pair up. This crazy societal life thing wasn't designed to be traversed alone, and pretending that it should be is just a remnant of a misplaced sense of masculine independence that so far has done little more than breed sociopaths and stubborn assholes.
You miss your family yet seem dead set on the idea of isolation from a network of support.
You were extremely unhappy until something changed and you started to find joy in life. Now you're reverting back to an old mental state, find yourself in another bout of misery, yet choose to endorse the thought process that so far has only been equated with unhappiness. Seems a little insane, doesn't it?
Nothing is ever as easy as "just feel better." You're too much like me for a little bit of sweet talk to be anything more than a band-aid and what you really need is to think and even critically examine your state of mind. What happens tomorrow is never a guarantee, just an educated guess, at best.