Some time it hard to realise thing about our self, specialy went you did not have close friend to point them out for you... No one, not event my relative know me enoug to realise the stuff i just realise about my self...

First i am alone.... did it realy by choice? I dont think so... i just never be told how to do other wise... First my mom famely was kind of poor, also her 3 bother was criminal biker, one of my uncle probably kill people during his life, it probably why he die in prison, killed by a artisanal weapon, at the end the reste of the famely turn ok, but my mom was a loner . For my father, he was in a 16 kids famely, his father and mom was alcolic, i never know my grandmother from his side, i am not event sur if i was born went she die... also he wasther was beating up his kids regulary, my father get beat by his father lot of time, so expressing his feeling was not his strong point.

Then my brother... the older brother, suffering for hyperactivity, alway puting him self and other in trouble, he drived my parent crasy... if you wish to understand what he was like... we can say he was a bart simpson in worse, he event double his first year of school, that give you a idea...

For me... like my father say to some people visiting us went i was a little kid... "this is my youngest boy, we tryed a last time to have a girl and we get him" My father is not a bad persone, he just did not know how to be a father sense he never hade a good example to teach him, he never beat me like his father did to him, but he never be able to show his feeling corecly...

How that to come to the point of what i discover about my self.... event if i did not have a good memory of the time i was little, something is clear, i was already a loner, sense i was not liking my brother and that most of the time he was away in place for young trouble mind institute (not know how to call them) i alway play by my self... i was not having much friend either... only can rember one by his name and i push him away just before going to high school...

I was fat, so i away put a side, i hade to learn to work alone...I rember making my own toy with recicle stuff like mild carbord box and empty toilet paper role, i go many interest, but i never be incouraged to work on... i never be discoraged either... it like what i was doing was not having any much interest for people, so i alway give up on thing...

Event with school project, i was alway worked alone.... i rember went a was like in 5th grade they ask student to work on a acting show, everyone was in a group small and big, exept for me, i was the only one who decided to go solo and do a puppet show, that was like that during all my childhood and event after.

Today is not realy a surprise that i am alone and not able work well in team or have a life mate, i just did not know how to... could sound ridiculus, but i alway do everything by my own, anyway, who will wish to team with me after all... and guess what, event if one of my most desire is to become a father one day... that just impossible... that is a team work, the solo guy i am could not do it by him self...

Any way, that depressing some how... but i guess i just have to live with it, it not something that going to change soon.