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gnomes and "shoe conspiracies"
16 years ago
General
If there is one thing I hate, it's gnomes. It's not so much there proud gnome heritage, more that I hate their stupid gnome beards and their stupid pointy hats. I also hate the way they sit so innocently on my neighbor's lawn, acting all “inanimate” when I know they're laughing at me whenever my back is turned. Who buys lawn gnomes these days anyway?
I'm not talking about the gnomes in World of Warcraft... although they are part of my overall problem. Although I have to say I dislike all the Alliance races, maybe except for dwarves.
Dwarves have manly beards and are always doing manly things, like mining for gold and drinking. Elves I don't mind either (I'm fully aware elves are not strictly Alliance). Problem with elves is that I'd rather they just undress and dance for my amusement.
Anyway, gnomes really aren't the "cool" nocturnal creatures of pseudo-mythology and folklore, at least not where they're compared to things like ogres and trolls. In fact, if nocturnal creatures of pseudo-mythology and folklore where like the HBO series "Oz", then gnomes would be the whimpering little prison-bitches of the ogres and trolls.
Their really aren't even any good stories that involve gnomes in the grand scheme of things. Their is the one story about the lazy-ass shoe maker, who bribes gnomes with cookies (or some shit), rather than do any real work for himself. Karma then later biting him in the ass when he stops bribing the gnomes and they stop showing up to make shoes for him. I forgot how the story ended, presumably the old man died of a heart attack.
What does that say about gnomes? That you can use them as slave labor for the price of sugary treats. If life were like that, then surly I could pay my rent using rocks or shiny balls of aluminum foil.
Its almost like tricking sex out of a prostitute by shouting "look over there!", then having your way with her when she turns to bewilderedly stare in whatever direction you were pointing in.
Besides, the cookie bribes don't actually work, at least not in this modern time. Having destroyed a perfectly good pair of shoes at work one night, I tried it. The little bastards never showed up, and I was forced to shell out $30 for new work shoes.
I'm sure their is a perfectly good explanation for this... aside for their being no such things as gnomes, and that I'm a raving lunatic.
What I'd like to think it is, is a global conspiracy perpetrated by gnomes themselves. In this post industrial age it is far more profitable for gnomes to simply manufacture shoes, with their shoe magics, then sell them at an inflated profit. Thus eliminating the need to repair old shoes for cookies, or resort to slave labor for lazy-ass shoe makers.
I don't trust the "keebler elves" either.
This makes no bit of sense until you think about it (a little too much). After all, have you ever met someone that works in a shoe factory? Of course you haven't, pretty much every shoe factory on Earth runs out of some Third World country.
It's not because the heartless CEO's of Nike inc. run their manufacturing facilities in desolate regions of Earth that don't have the same child labor laws that other countries have. It's to hide the fact that all the workers are actually gnomes.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure gnomes actually are turning any kind of profit in this diabolical conspiracy. It's true perpetrators are probably trolls and ogres. Most likely the ugly brutes are the heartless CEO's running the shoe industry from behind the scene, reveling in the profit made on shoes and the money saved with forced gnome labor. Converting their capital into gold, so they can horde it in their cave as bait to lure would-be treasure hunters to an untimely death as a meal for an ogre or troll.
I'm not sure exactly how much text a journal entry can take, so I'm fairly certain I've ranted enough.
I'm not talking about the gnomes in World of Warcraft... although they are part of my overall problem. Although I have to say I dislike all the Alliance races, maybe except for dwarves.
Dwarves have manly beards and are always doing manly things, like mining for gold and drinking. Elves I don't mind either (I'm fully aware elves are not strictly Alliance). Problem with elves is that I'd rather they just undress and dance for my amusement.
Anyway, gnomes really aren't the "cool" nocturnal creatures of pseudo-mythology and folklore, at least not where they're compared to things like ogres and trolls. In fact, if nocturnal creatures of pseudo-mythology and folklore where like the HBO series "Oz", then gnomes would be the whimpering little prison-bitches of the ogres and trolls.
Their really aren't even any good stories that involve gnomes in the grand scheme of things. Their is the one story about the lazy-ass shoe maker, who bribes gnomes with cookies (or some shit), rather than do any real work for himself. Karma then later biting him in the ass when he stops bribing the gnomes and they stop showing up to make shoes for him. I forgot how the story ended, presumably the old man died of a heart attack.
What does that say about gnomes? That you can use them as slave labor for the price of sugary treats. If life were like that, then surly I could pay my rent using rocks or shiny balls of aluminum foil.
Its almost like tricking sex out of a prostitute by shouting "look over there!", then having your way with her when she turns to bewilderedly stare in whatever direction you were pointing in.
Besides, the cookie bribes don't actually work, at least not in this modern time. Having destroyed a perfectly good pair of shoes at work one night, I tried it. The little bastards never showed up, and I was forced to shell out $30 for new work shoes.
I'm sure their is a perfectly good explanation for this... aside for their being no such things as gnomes, and that I'm a raving lunatic.
What I'd like to think it is, is a global conspiracy perpetrated by gnomes themselves. In this post industrial age it is far more profitable for gnomes to simply manufacture shoes, with their shoe magics, then sell them at an inflated profit. Thus eliminating the need to repair old shoes for cookies, or resort to slave labor for lazy-ass shoe makers.
I don't trust the "keebler elves" either.
This makes no bit of sense until you think about it (a little too much). After all, have you ever met someone that works in a shoe factory? Of course you haven't, pretty much every shoe factory on Earth runs out of some Third World country.
It's not because the heartless CEO's of Nike inc. run their manufacturing facilities in desolate regions of Earth that don't have the same child labor laws that other countries have. It's to hide the fact that all the workers are actually gnomes.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure gnomes actually are turning any kind of profit in this diabolical conspiracy. It's true perpetrators are probably trolls and ogres. Most likely the ugly brutes are the heartless CEO's running the shoe industry from behind the scene, reveling in the profit made on shoes and the money saved with forced gnome labor. Converting their capital into gold, so they can horde it in their cave as bait to lure would-be treasure hunters to an untimely death as a meal for an ogre or troll.
I'm not sure exactly how much text a journal entry can take, so I'm fairly certain I've ranted enough.
