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The Highs and Lows that come with being me
10 years ago
I work hard. Sometimes I complain about it. But I keep working hard.
There's a part of me - a tiny voice inside me - that tells me that I CAN'T. It tells me that I'm a joke and a failure. It looks at what other people are doing and compares me to them and says, "All these people are so far ahead of you. What is the point to trying?"
Now of course, I don't REALLY have a voice in my head. It's not like a, "Timmy hears voices and they tell him to do things", type of deal. It's self doubt. I don't have a huge opinion of myself. I still think of myself as shy and awkward and wishing I could just talk to some of the people I know. Really, just sit down and have a heart to heart with them. I wish I could contact them over instant messenger and talk to them. But I don't. Sometimes that insecure part of me has it's way. Some people assume that it's because I'm too "high up" to associate with them, or that I think to highly of myself and don't think highly enough of them. But that's not true. Quite the opposite. If you are reading this, there is a very high chance that I hold you in very high regard. Higher than I hold myself. And so I don't reach out because I'm afraid of making an ass of myself and then you'll think even less of me.
Unfortunately when it comes to what I have just written, that tiny voice sometimes isn't so tiny. I put on a hat and I do work for this fandom. Sometimes that hat reads, "President of MNFurs". Sometimes that hat reads, "Hotel Liaison for Furry Migration". I hide behind those hats. I'm good at what I do for this fandom, and I do A LOT. I put in at least 20 hours of work per week bettering this fandom and the local community. I mean, I look at some of the events I help put together and the people having fun and making friends and laughing, and I tear up. Seeing people happy and knowing I helped in some way is just such a wonderful feeling. But for all that, as great as it feels to help plan and organize things that so many people love and enjoy, I just end up feeling more isolated.
I want to continue to be a better person. I want to get to know a lot of people better and to open up more often and not be stoic about things.
I need a hand. I need to find a new balance.
There's a part of me - a tiny voice inside me - that tells me that I CAN'T. It tells me that I'm a joke and a failure. It looks at what other people are doing and compares me to them and says, "All these people are so far ahead of you. What is the point to trying?"
Now of course, I don't REALLY have a voice in my head. It's not like a, "Timmy hears voices and they tell him to do things", type of deal. It's self doubt. I don't have a huge opinion of myself. I still think of myself as shy and awkward and wishing I could just talk to some of the people I know. Really, just sit down and have a heart to heart with them. I wish I could contact them over instant messenger and talk to them. But I don't. Sometimes that insecure part of me has it's way. Some people assume that it's because I'm too "high up" to associate with them, or that I think to highly of myself and don't think highly enough of them. But that's not true. Quite the opposite. If you are reading this, there is a very high chance that I hold you in very high regard. Higher than I hold myself. And so I don't reach out because I'm afraid of making an ass of myself and then you'll think even less of me.
Unfortunately when it comes to what I have just written, that tiny voice sometimes isn't so tiny. I put on a hat and I do work for this fandom. Sometimes that hat reads, "President of MNFurs". Sometimes that hat reads, "Hotel Liaison for Furry Migration". I hide behind those hats. I'm good at what I do for this fandom, and I do A LOT. I put in at least 20 hours of work per week bettering this fandom and the local community. I mean, I look at some of the events I help put together and the people having fun and making friends and laughing, and I tear up. Seeing people happy and knowing I helped in some way is just such a wonderful feeling. But for all that, as great as it feels to help plan and organize things that so many people love and enjoy, I just end up feeling more isolated.
I want to continue to be a better person. I want to get to know a lot of people better and to open up more often and not be stoic about things.
I need a hand. I need to find a new balance.
Also, your fursuit is way too adorable.
thanks for the suit compliment *secret scribble suit handshake*
self doubt and such negative thoughts quite strange. people punish themselves for being thoughtful and considerate.
Outside of this site, I am known by some and not known by just as many, but that does not change the importance of the work I do.
If pageviews and watches are important to you, post regularly. I see gaps of months in your gallery. You just have to work at it and keep plugging away. Find things to post every week and you'll get there. And don't forget to cross post to other sites. Get as much exposure as you can.
Hit me up sometime at a meet, at an event, or if we run into each other.
~ Drake M.
My own problems stem from the fact that I work more than anything else, limiting my ability to interact socially. When my father passed away, I took it hard and buried myself further in work to the point where it has been only recently that I've made an attempt to go out in public to do anything other than something work-related. As a result, I come across as very formal and remote.
The inner voice of doubt is always there, but on occasion, I've heard another voice, one that is far stronger and more positive. To that one, I should listen more often.
For your amusement, I would like to suggest a book that I found both informative and entertaining, called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. It may be of value, but certainly worth a laugh for her writing style.
Thanks for the tip. I'll have to look for it next time I'm at Barnes and Noble.