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Ceasing the Job Coaching program.
10 years ago
As some of my friends may know, for the past one and a half years I have been in a 'Job Coaching Program' in attempts to find myself a job that was nearby that I could work despite my mental conditions. After 1.5 years of stressing myself out, and many anxious stressful nights I am unable to continue moving forward with the program. I informed one of my job coaches, and we are hopefully going to work towards a better solution, all that is clear at this point is that if I continued the present course of countless cycles of stress enducing interviews followed by crushing rejections over and over with my options growing smaller and smaller by the day that I would be rapidly approaching the condition I was in back in 2005.
Fresh out of Basic Training and with nothing but ambition and ideas, I found myself in a very bad place in terms of my anxiety and my mental conditions, I was in the Army Reserves at that point, working a job at Walmart, and trying to juggle school on top of all that. I was 17, having just turned 18 that October, but the stress was monumental. I went days without proper sleep, and when I was awake I was literally quivering the entire day with dread from my mental conditions. I ended up having depressed/suicidal thoughts, and I was trying my best to cope but things were falling apart. The only course I had was to remove the stress, as soon as I could, because by the day self-destructive impulses started to become more and more appealing as an alternative.
Even after leaving the Army, being let go from Walmart, and leaving the school system, it took me a long time to recover from my situation I was in. I continued trying to find some employment, which was way too difficult for me to handle considering I still wasn't fully recovered by the time I found those jobs. In 2007 my mental conditions got so bad that I looked towards getting disability from social security in an attempt to have a plan for my future because it was becoming ever prevelant that I was in no condition to hold a steady job. Fastforward to 2014, after almost 8 long years of fighting with courts to try to get disability, I was offered an alternative.
The Job coaching program that I entered into, was intended to help those with disabilities or are recovering from addictions, find work that they would be able to do, despite the fact they have circumstances outside the norm. This seemed like a Godsend, I wanted to enter the work force, to be a productive member of society and pay taxes and have a job I could be proud of. I worked with them, told them everything up front, and the work they do is great. The problem was, despite all their good intentions and affiliations, after 1.5 years...I still came up bust.
This in itself would not be an issue, the problem lies in the fact that my anxiety has been bearing back just like it did back in 2005. Their assistance has lessened the stresses in taking interviews and filling out applications and all that, but it is still there. After 1.5 years of stressing out and being anxious for interviews, applications, and cold calls, coupled with the heartbreaks and sadness that comes from being turned down from jobs that seemed like you 'had it in your hand'. I have reached a point where my anxiety is not easing, and those suicidal/depressive thoughts are showing up again.
That is my main reasoning for leaving the job coaching program, I cannot go through the rock bottom place I hit in 2005 again. It feels like I am trapped underwater in a deep sea. I can see the surface, and the occasional glimse of the sun reflecting down, but the harder I swim for it the further I seem to sink. My lungs are already burning at this point, and my vision is starting to cloud...I just can't hold my breath any longer, I can't risk drowning again, going back to that dark place of uncertainty like what happened back in 2005.
So through the office that was trying to help me find work, we are going to see about applying for disability again, hopefully with their assistance and their testiment on my behalf that they tried to find me work but were unable to because of my mental conditions, I will have better luck this time around. I was at a tipping point, and this is the only alternative that is left open to me at this point in time. I thank you all for reading through my ...well it is basically a life story at this point, but I thank you for all the support my friends have given me up to this point.
Wish me luck, hopefully something good will happen with all the suffering I have tried to force myself through for so long.
Fresh out of Basic Training and with nothing but ambition and ideas, I found myself in a very bad place in terms of my anxiety and my mental conditions, I was in the Army Reserves at that point, working a job at Walmart, and trying to juggle school on top of all that. I was 17, having just turned 18 that October, but the stress was monumental. I went days without proper sleep, and when I was awake I was literally quivering the entire day with dread from my mental conditions. I ended up having depressed/suicidal thoughts, and I was trying my best to cope but things were falling apart. The only course I had was to remove the stress, as soon as I could, because by the day self-destructive impulses started to become more and more appealing as an alternative.
Even after leaving the Army, being let go from Walmart, and leaving the school system, it took me a long time to recover from my situation I was in. I continued trying to find some employment, which was way too difficult for me to handle considering I still wasn't fully recovered by the time I found those jobs. In 2007 my mental conditions got so bad that I looked towards getting disability from social security in an attempt to have a plan for my future because it was becoming ever prevelant that I was in no condition to hold a steady job. Fastforward to 2014, after almost 8 long years of fighting with courts to try to get disability, I was offered an alternative.
The Job coaching program that I entered into, was intended to help those with disabilities or are recovering from addictions, find work that they would be able to do, despite the fact they have circumstances outside the norm. This seemed like a Godsend, I wanted to enter the work force, to be a productive member of society and pay taxes and have a job I could be proud of. I worked with them, told them everything up front, and the work they do is great. The problem was, despite all their good intentions and affiliations, after 1.5 years...I still came up bust.
This in itself would not be an issue, the problem lies in the fact that my anxiety has been bearing back just like it did back in 2005. Their assistance has lessened the stresses in taking interviews and filling out applications and all that, but it is still there. After 1.5 years of stressing out and being anxious for interviews, applications, and cold calls, coupled with the heartbreaks and sadness that comes from being turned down from jobs that seemed like you 'had it in your hand'. I have reached a point where my anxiety is not easing, and those suicidal/depressive thoughts are showing up again.
That is my main reasoning for leaving the job coaching program, I cannot go through the rock bottom place I hit in 2005 again. It feels like I am trapped underwater in a deep sea. I can see the surface, and the occasional glimse of the sun reflecting down, but the harder I swim for it the further I seem to sink. My lungs are already burning at this point, and my vision is starting to cloud...I just can't hold my breath any longer, I can't risk drowning again, going back to that dark place of uncertainty like what happened back in 2005.
So through the office that was trying to help me find work, we are going to see about applying for disability again, hopefully with their assistance and their testiment on my behalf that they tried to find me work but were unable to because of my mental conditions, I will have better luck this time around. I was at a tipping point, and this is the only alternative that is left open to me at this point in time. I thank you all for reading through my ...well it is basically a life story at this point, but I thank you for all the support my friends have given me up to this point.
Wish me luck, hopefully something good will happen with all the suffering I have tried to force myself through for so long.
VinMcGrey
~vinzin
Good luck on your endeavors, I can't really say I can relate due to not really knowing what it feels like to be in your situation, but I hope the best for you just as equally.
