This journal isn't so much a rant, as something that's just been on my mind lately that I wanna throw out there.

I don't really seem to "mesh" with anybody, in terms of gaming. I don't get along great with casual players because I try too hard, meanwhile competitive players talk down on me for my general refusal to play the meta; especially my refusal to play high-tier characters in fighting games.

The issue, mainly is that I like to play as hard as I can; but at the same time, I don't care that much about winning. In fact I guess I get sort of a high from playing against people who are outright better than me.

For me, gaming is something that's almost like a form of communication; it's almost sacred to me in that sense. I don't like playing the meta, because in my mind, I don't see the value of mechanically regurgitating the same plays you've seen some other person do. I don't see the point if I'm not building my own style and playing my way.

Guys I play against at school get frustrated with me because I don't pull out all the stops to maximize my odds of winning. The thing is, I don't really care. They don't understand that I'm after the experience, above all else. And rather than pick up and do my best to copy some other person's playstyle, I'd rather cultivate my own style, and from there make people have to respect it: on the merit of my ability as a player, not the merit of the character I'm playing.

I only really do tournaments and such because they're a context where I can really cut loose. Winning or losing is whatever, I just want to play as hard as I can without that worry of people not wanting to play with me anymore.