'Ello and g'day to anyone who actually reads this. I don't blame if ya don't, just 'cos I know I only read a handful of journals myself. But sometimes these things are a good way to vent/rant/otherwise bitch n' moan.

I don't complain a lot, but for the next however long I am able, I intend to. I am currently writing this from at work - the only chance I've had to work on ANYTHING lately within the furry fandom has BEEN at work. I've been too busy with normal life things - like dealing with bills and rent and roommates, and broken hearts n' shattered dreams.

I'm going to send this as soon as my boss-man gets back in here, so it may end mid-sentence. At which point you'll know I ranted as much as I could during what will have probably been about 10 minutes of my time. I write fast. :P

So here goes.

I work a daily nine-to-five job at a company owned and operated by my mum and pop, who subsequently kicked me out of my home about 4 years ago when I decided, "Hey lying to my folks about being a faggot might be a bad idea 'cos lying is WRONG." I've spent those last 4 years wracking up loads of debts, which I'm now finally managing to pay off. I've moved eight... no nine times in those 4 years. Some moves were even across the country. By the by, I miss you fellows that I met in California - you all were amazing and wonderful.

I've lost a family member or friend, or a close friend has lost a family member, EVERY year... for the last ELEVEN years. I have a grandma left. But she doesn't even remember her own name half the time - Alzheimer's sucks. But funerals suck even more. I make a hobby of writing eulogies for them that I keep to myself in remembrance of those lost. Not because I enjoy thinking about death, but because it helps me cope with being surrounded by it on an annual basis.

Because I was made to leave home 4 years ago, I never got an opportunity to go to college. I also no longer have the financial means of getting a better education, and I watch as my sister goes off to become a doctor of psychology after the private schooling she received with the money my parents had set aside for MY college education... I'll never get that opportunity unless I strike it big on my own through whatever means. I wanted to major in physics with a minor in creative writing. Or maybe the other way around. I'd never settled on that point... which is not the point of any of that. The point WAS: My family wasted its money on my sister 'cos she turned out to be a better example of a 'decent christian human being'... I was a disappointment.

I am adopted - I often wonder if my biological parents would have given me better opportunity for success in life and not squandered their earnings on bad investments... all I know is that my birth father was from Sicily.

Oddly enough, I was adopted into an Italian-American family. A rather large one at that - wherein I am THE black sheep. Thanksgiving about 4 years ago... the last big one I'd ever gone to, about 30 or more people showed up who I didn't even know were related to me. They all new my name and face - and they knew why I was a black sheep. "Damned queers." Heh. Good thing they don't know about "Damned furries" or "Damned Earth-Worshippin' Pagan Hippies" :P I take a certain amount of solace at how LITTLE they knew about me. But it scares me to realize that no matter where I travel in the USA, there will be a relative of mine near me who knows my name and is ashamed of me for no decent reason.

It was THEN that I was convinced I should GTFO... of the country. As much as I've traveled in the last 4 years and I've still run into relatives EVERYWHERE I've gone to. My next stop is hopefully Melbourne, Australia. I hear the gang from AC/DC is from thereabouts. I'm a big fan.

I've made a LOT of friends in the furry fandom since this past November. I'm going to miss them when I leave.

The best friend I ever had growing up in highschool was... not a furry. I lived with her ... now her ex... for a time. I lost her as a friend 3 years ago. She hardly speaks to me at all anymore. I was convinced THEN that friends really DO come and go. Its not always personal. It just happens like that sometimes.

Sometimes it happens for the wrong reasons. I was raped by the bartender at the local gay-bar last May. Guy I'd known literally for years... 5 years now? Sounds about right. Scary as shit. I got into a car wreck that same month, come to think of it - three car pileup. Also pretty damn scary. Didn't place charges against the bartender, though... Probably should have. But I like that gay-bar. And any bad press against the local gay community would just serve to promote the radical right-wing activists around here... I didn't want to give them the satisfaction.

I've been in a lot of car accidents this year, come to think of it. One in May... one in August... 2 last month... I'm forgetting a few I think. Its become a running joke that when I do something to piss off the powers that be, the gods will throw cars at me. It scares me that it might be true. I'm lucky to be alive after all of them. Each one was a tango with Death.

I was given an opportunity to do something amazing not too long ago - Sing in a rock band. It was an amazing feeling - I would have provided the music and the voice for the rock... But it was shattered when they felt that "my voice was too effeminate", even though they loved my lyrics. I hate that about myself - most people can pick out that I'm gay if they ever hang around gay people at all. Its just one of those things in my voice. Can't really help it - just makes me an easy target. I've learned to take advantage of how much it freaks out the straight people I hang out with sometimes.

Another one of my friends I made not too long ago - November - a furry who won't named... took advantage of me when I was depressed... and I found out shortly thereafter that he had been sleeping around with a known carrier of gonorrhea. He had known this, and hadn't gotten tested after he found out he had given another friend of ours the disease. It really sucks having your trust betrayed that badly.

It would seem that I've mostly finished my ranting. And there's no sign of the boss-man around. So let me finish this up.

I'm sick and tired of the emotionally unstable people out there who complain about things like, "I'm not doing well in school"; "I can't get a girlfriend/boyfriend"; "I have a hard time living with my parents";"My boss is a jerk";"I can't get a job"... I listen to people - FRIENDS even, come to me with their complaints on AIM or YIM or MSN on occassion, and I listen. You guys know who you are, and I love you all - I think you're wonderful people, and to each of you, your problems seem like the worst of the worst. And for you: they probably are. I'm not asking you to stop coming to me and talking to me and asking for comfort or ANYTHING like that - I'm trying to say that LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. And the faster you realize that there are WORSE things in life that could be wrong like being homeless, diseased, unwanted, or DEAD for that matter. As long as you have a breath in your chest and a beat in your heart, you have a chance for things to get better. And they usually do.

Bad things will keep happening. They happen to everyone, all the time, for the entire duration of your life. But GOD DAMN IT!! Take it in fucking STRIDE, okay?! Shit, I shouldn't even be ALIVE considering some of the shit that I've done and seen and been through. Its why I try not to bitch about working for a company that's owned by the two individuals who are most ashamed of me in the world and want next to nothing to do with me or my life. Its agonizing to watch two blokes who I love dearly look upon me with such scorn, but GUESS WHAT: Its better than some shit I've seen. I've seen a mum who's only service to her daughter was a bottle of pills to drown out the kid's tears for attention and love. I've witnessed people stabbed and shot for standing up for what they believe in, martyred in the name of a religion that they think will save their soul. But I've also seen the foulest of creatures express love and interest in LIVING and the world around us. I know a coke dealer in a small suburban town on the wrong side of the train tracks who's greatest passion in life is painting and art history. I know a homeless guy in San Diego who dreamed of one day doing nothing more than working a NASCAR pit crew, but was left destitute when he was laid off after an on-the-job injury that left him crippled for the rest of his life with a bad leg. He'll never see his dream come true. I know a woman who spent most of her adult life in China trying to teach young girls how to speak English so they could come to America and have a better opportunity than they would ever achieve there. She was forced to run back to the States when her ex-boyfriend in a fit of rage attempted to have her assassinated by a local mafia. She's in New York, now, and will never be able to help kids in China again. She isn't able to return to the country.

The world is a shitty place guys. But you learn to DEAL with it. Rober Frost. Great poet. Gave me the mantra I live by, and if you've got a shitty life like me (and you very well may), its something to help you get through your shitty and sometimes seemingly meaningless lives:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

And here's one from me, 'cos I'm a poet and you know it:

"Mourn not those passing
As Time Passes By,
But mourn ye the living
Who wait here and cry."

Get out and live your damn lives, kids. Seriously. Fuckin' pansies.