FA+
Shop
Sad Day... Or it was... To Tired to comprehend...
16 years ago
There are a lot of people in this world in very sad positions. Its a saddening world where anger and hate are fostered from caring and love. The biggest problem is who I am yet it is also my greatest strength and what makes me a great person. I had two realizations this week that relate directly to who I am and why things happened. I look back over the past month and I see happiness and hurt intertwined like a loving couple. Why is it that the choices I made turned happiness into disaster? Was there anything I could change? These questions aren't worth answering because I have no regrets about what I did, when you act out your life exactly as you feel you should there is no right or wrong, only Grey. It seems that as time goes on I come to realizations about my choices and how they affected my life and the life of someone very dear to me, a friend that I loved so very much.
The first realization I had was about confidence and attraction. Attraction is glorious at the time of its conception, you realize you like someone but often those feelings can be confusing. For me I am able to understand and control feelings and realize my position... but those feelings are a driving force in my life and will always shape how I act. For others, emotions are scary, they drive you to think things and want to do things that scare you, they seem like selfish desires and worse off when you think about what they could cause you realize some might destroy everything else in your life. To quote my lost friend: "We are dancing with the devil in the pale moon-light, we see the cliff edge yet we dance closer, only to realize that to cross the border means to change everything and cast ourselves into oblivion."
Confidence and attraction are a pair, when you are confident people are attracted to you, they want to be around you because often times you portray an aura of security. For me I realize I may not be "attractive" in the physical sense for some... I'm not skinny, I'm a big guy, for some that is intimidating, my mannerisms can come off as harsh and angry, but I am the sweetest fellow according to those who know me. I have long hair and some call me handsome... some find me unattractive some find me attractive that's just life. Irregardless confidence is a major point of contention. You don't have to realize you are confident, you just have to be yourself and be confident in yourself. I realize that part of the reason that somethings happened is because I am most confident when I am having fun! I am a goof, and that's okay because in the grand scheme I like being a goof! I like having fun or going skating or just joking around! I love being my bull because he's me, in the truest sense!
Confidence has its point, if you are over confident because you realize your confidence leads to attraction then its a turn over. You will be confident without knowing and that's the thing... by being yourself you will innately measure reactions of people and tone/turn up your confidence and how you act as you have fun and get to know someone! Confidence has its downsides... confidence and the attraction that it causes can lead to confusion... Do I like him as a friend? Can I just be his friend? Do I want more? ... Confusing right? Well depending on who you are as a person you will either work out these feelings or give in to them or fight against them or be tormented by them or get over them or one of dozens of other things that could happen. For me and for someone I care for very deeply it was one of the more negative choices... it ended in anger and hate... and that makes me sad.
I don't believe in coincidences... how someone enters your life or why they do is for a reason. Situation that occur however little we understand them happen for one reason or another. As we sit and look at the twine of life interweaving and mingling it can become very confusing to try and understand it, and in some cases outright maddening to attempt to comprehend. Why did my friend have to gain feelings for me? Why did she lash out and say mean things? Why was curiosity and caring confused for obsession and stalking. Stubbornness causes all sorts of issues, so does letting in to easily. You either are a stone or a puff of smoke, you are a driving force of a light gust of air in life. It's hard to mediate when you should let go, especially when fear sets in. I don't know why things happened but its funny looking back over the past month at a friendship so full of feeling, emotion, joy, happiness and belonging, and on the flip side hurt, pain, and anger. I look back and in hindsight see things I never saw the first time, emotions in words that I never realized, pain, joy and a sense of belonging intermingling.
Yesterday was a boring day... but it was also a charged day, I did some physical activity but at the end of the day I felt like someone had beaten me with a stick or stabbed my heart with a shiv. In my boredom I restarted my DA account and actually decided to post somethings... I was curious if my friend who is an artist had an account so of course I searched her name, only to come up with her account. I put her on watch and was so glad to have a new window on her art... the most important part of her life. Turns out using a search feature is stalking someone... *laughs* I got a rather nasty snappy email about how I was stalking her on a boring day off... *shakes his head* Amazingly she went ahead and deleted the account, her work, her account gone and in a fit of anger she alienated a true friend. In hindsight I realized later that day that I had lost all the will in my life to keep her as a friend... all the effort and all the caring had reached a plateau and there was nowhere higher to go, so I leaped off the edge and fell into oblivion.
I still care but I have no motivation too... there is nothing left to care about except for the memories, which I still cherish. It's a cold reality when someone who cares selflessly, a hero, a champion in peoples lives, a happy fellow stops having the motivation to care about someone. I had this feeling once before, caring without motivation. It happened to an old girlfriend that I put my heart into and I cared for and defended with everything I was. She used me, I was a toy in her life to keep her happy. I felt no remorse for not having any motivation for her because I realized she did it maliciously, I still care but have no motivation to do anything about it... to put my heart out there, not after seeing it so openly stabbed.
I'm a fallen hero, a hero shunned and I realize now that I have motivation to take care of others that I want to take care of. I look back fondly... but inside I'm just hurt... I have no hate or anger, I already had those yesterday and they melt away. Those emotions are not things I like, they are draining and painful, like downing a vial of poison, they make you want to gag and your body feels dead... it'll never kill you but it'll make you feel like crap. I miss my friend most of all... I look forward longingly to the day when we can be friends again, but I fear that may never come. *shakes his head and sighs*
So! I now go forward looking for fun... meeting new people and living life like its the last day on earth! tomorrow I could get hit by a truck and that'll be it, a splatter on life. I am not gonna let life happen to me... I am gonna make my life and champion it! I'm the hero of my life and I will champion the cause of happiness and caring and joy... I am Grey for I know that I can harbor the dark emotions and wallow, but I am also Grey because I still hold far more caring. Funny how art tells you a lot, if you add a little white to black paint you get a really dark grey, it takes lots and lots of white to turn black to a light shade of grey. But it only takes a little black to make white turn Grey. Life is about shades of Grey, not black and white... And that is why I am who I am, I am a Grey Knight... Because I have seen the darkness of night and I have seen the light of day and to be eternally in either is torture and false, but to be in twilight is truth...
The first realization I had was about confidence and attraction. Attraction is glorious at the time of its conception, you realize you like someone but often those feelings can be confusing. For me I am able to understand and control feelings and realize my position... but those feelings are a driving force in my life and will always shape how I act. For others, emotions are scary, they drive you to think things and want to do things that scare you, they seem like selfish desires and worse off when you think about what they could cause you realize some might destroy everything else in your life. To quote my lost friend: "We are dancing with the devil in the pale moon-light, we see the cliff edge yet we dance closer, only to realize that to cross the border means to change everything and cast ourselves into oblivion."
Confidence and attraction are a pair, when you are confident people are attracted to you, they want to be around you because often times you portray an aura of security. For me I realize I may not be "attractive" in the physical sense for some... I'm not skinny, I'm a big guy, for some that is intimidating, my mannerisms can come off as harsh and angry, but I am the sweetest fellow according to those who know me. I have long hair and some call me handsome... some find me unattractive some find me attractive that's just life. Irregardless confidence is a major point of contention. You don't have to realize you are confident, you just have to be yourself and be confident in yourself. I realize that part of the reason that somethings happened is because I am most confident when I am having fun! I am a goof, and that's okay because in the grand scheme I like being a goof! I like having fun or going skating or just joking around! I love being my bull because he's me, in the truest sense!
Confidence has its point, if you are over confident because you realize your confidence leads to attraction then its a turn over. You will be confident without knowing and that's the thing... by being yourself you will innately measure reactions of people and tone/turn up your confidence and how you act as you have fun and get to know someone! Confidence has its downsides... confidence and the attraction that it causes can lead to confusion... Do I like him as a friend? Can I just be his friend? Do I want more? ... Confusing right? Well depending on who you are as a person you will either work out these feelings or give in to them or fight against them or be tormented by them or get over them or one of dozens of other things that could happen. For me and for someone I care for very deeply it was one of the more negative choices... it ended in anger and hate... and that makes me sad.
I don't believe in coincidences... how someone enters your life or why they do is for a reason. Situation that occur however little we understand them happen for one reason or another. As we sit and look at the twine of life interweaving and mingling it can become very confusing to try and understand it, and in some cases outright maddening to attempt to comprehend. Why did my friend have to gain feelings for me? Why did she lash out and say mean things? Why was curiosity and caring confused for obsession and stalking. Stubbornness causes all sorts of issues, so does letting in to easily. You either are a stone or a puff of smoke, you are a driving force of a light gust of air in life. It's hard to mediate when you should let go, especially when fear sets in. I don't know why things happened but its funny looking back over the past month at a friendship so full of feeling, emotion, joy, happiness and belonging, and on the flip side hurt, pain, and anger. I look back and in hindsight see things I never saw the first time, emotions in words that I never realized, pain, joy and a sense of belonging intermingling.
Yesterday was a boring day... but it was also a charged day, I did some physical activity but at the end of the day I felt like someone had beaten me with a stick or stabbed my heart with a shiv. In my boredom I restarted my DA account and actually decided to post somethings... I was curious if my friend who is an artist had an account so of course I searched her name, only to come up with her account. I put her on watch and was so glad to have a new window on her art... the most important part of her life. Turns out using a search feature is stalking someone... *laughs* I got a rather nasty snappy email about how I was stalking her on a boring day off... *shakes his head* Amazingly she went ahead and deleted the account, her work, her account gone and in a fit of anger she alienated a true friend. In hindsight I realized later that day that I had lost all the will in my life to keep her as a friend... all the effort and all the caring had reached a plateau and there was nowhere higher to go, so I leaped off the edge and fell into oblivion.
I still care but I have no motivation too... there is nothing left to care about except for the memories, which I still cherish. It's a cold reality when someone who cares selflessly, a hero, a champion in peoples lives, a happy fellow stops having the motivation to care about someone. I had this feeling once before, caring without motivation. It happened to an old girlfriend that I put my heart into and I cared for and defended with everything I was. She used me, I was a toy in her life to keep her happy. I felt no remorse for not having any motivation for her because I realized she did it maliciously, I still care but have no motivation to do anything about it... to put my heart out there, not after seeing it so openly stabbed.
I'm a fallen hero, a hero shunned and I realize now that I have motivation to take care of others that I want to take care of. I look back fondly... but inside I'm just hurt... I have no hate or anger, I already had those yesterday and they melt away. Those emotions are not things I like, they are draining and painful, like downing a vial of poison, they make you want to gag and your body feels dead... it'll never kill you but it'll make you feel like crap. I miss my friend most of all... I look forward longingly to the day when we can be friends again, but I fear that may never come. *shakes his head and sighs*
So! I now go forward looking for fun... meeting new people and living life like its the last day on earth! tomorrow I could get hit by a truck and that'll be it, a splatter on life. I am not gonna let life happen to me... I am gonna make my life and champion it! I'm the hero of my life and I will champion the cause of happiness and caring and joy... I am Grey for I know that I can harbor the dark emotions and wallow, but I am also Grey because I still hold far more caring. Funny how art tells you a lot, if you add a little white to black paint you get a really dark grey, it takes lots and lots of white to turn black to a light shade of grey. But it only takes a little black to make white turn Grey. Life is about shades of Grey, not black and white... And that is why I am who I am, I am a Grey Knight... Because I have seen the darkness of night and I have seen the light of day and to be eternally in either is torture and false, but to be in twilight is truth...
