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About Commissions and myself [ IMPORTANT ]
10 years ago
I've come to realize that I'm not a reliable worker anymore, at least when it comes to art.
Sure, I have all the good intentions, but I also have serious problems. I have addictions, not to substances, but to habits. These habits combined with my mental state do not make for a good person to commission. I've been drained of work ethic almost entirely and I can't rely on sudden bursts of drive to work on things people wait months for.
The only reason I've continued to offer my pathetic service is because I can't find a job to save my life. And yes, of course it's not easy to find a job and I'm not trying very hard, but I don't try very hard at anything anymore it seems. My dad has offered to take me around and look for a job in person, but just the thought of that makes me anxiously sick.
Keeping commissions open doesn't fill in the void that a job does, anyway. That is unless I start charging $100 for full pictures which I don't think I will ever do in my entire life.
I need money to do multiple things that would aid in lessening my depression significantly. Some things are not so important, some are, and some are extremely important, at least to me. My family struggles with money, and since I don't live on my own I plan to give them a significant amount of my paycheck. For living expenses, and also for all the shit they've done for me in my recent adult years that I by no means deserve.
Also, my pets. My mom has paid for literally everything pet-wise all these years. We have 4 cats now (2 stray) and a dog. My dog was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and insulin for dogs is overly expensive for just a small amount. He also now has cataracts, which developed extremely quickly to the point where he currently can't function properly. That one thing by itself has worsened my state of mind because my dog is extremely important to me, and I can't do shit to help him right now. Dog cataract surgery is apparently $3,000 per eye. We don't have near the spare money to pay for that, and probably won't ever. Unless I get a job and save every paycheck I get.
I considered opening up a donation pool for this, but it would take a disgusting amount of time to raise that much from donations, and it would make me ill with guilt that I would be using peoples' money giving nothing in return.
I just really don't know what to do at this point. About a lot of things.
Just know that if I do get a job, commissions will rarely be open.
If you read all this, thank you.
I hope things go well for you, keep up your art but don't take commissions if you can't handle it~ Or maybe take payment on completion? I know of a few artists who do this, if you wanted to do something like that it could help. But my suggestion is, if you still want to do art, do YCH type things which are pay on completion. That way you can pick an idea you like, a scene you like, and so you may have more motivation to work on something if it was your own original idea?~
I can't really help in any way but please know that I feel for you ;__;
Also many dogs are perfectly fine if they are blind, they learn their way around the house and are great so long as no one changes furniture around or leaves stuff in the way. Most people can't afford cataract surgery but their dogs seem happy once they adjust anyway, dogs don't rely too much on their sight from what I've seen - mostly smell and hearing - so it wouldn't be as significant as a person going blind (since sight is our main sense i guess). So don't feel bad about that~
Is there any kind of state welfare which could support you while you look for work? Or something like that you could look into? C:
Anyway I am here if you want to vent or anything, I hope things work out for you and I hope you continue to draw even if just for yourself~ I do really love seeing your art and that's why you're on my fave artists list, alongside some very well known furs =P
I've thought about YCH's as well, and plan to do those at some point, even though people find them annoying. I've got quite a lot of other work to do before I open up any of those however ;_;
Yeah, my dog can still get around relatively well, but that's it. It just really bothers me because I tend to always view things from the other being's perspective, and I would hate to walk around, try to play, etc with white clouds in my eyes. The sad thing is, he still tries to play. He'll somehow find things, bring them to you, but when you throw them, he only knows you did because he can hear it hit the ground, and after a long search he'll bring it back. He also gets spooked often. It just really bothers me, because he's 9, probably about 10 years old now and I want him to live comfortably in his late years.
As for welfare, I'm not sure? We went and found out about something similar but we weren't eligible because my mom makes just enough money. I probably would be eligible if I lived by myself, but I don't.
Anyways, thanks for the thoughtful comment, I appreciate it bunches ;_; <3
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16244161
The difference between people who do and people who fear to do is not whether they are anxious or not. All people feel anxiety; we are all deeply afraid inside. Even the most experienced public speakers are quaking at the knees. The difference between success and failure is finding the courage to work in spite of that fear. You know what you must do, but now you must know when you are courageous.
Do not wait for anxiety to dissipate. It will not, and this is a good thing: can you imagine a successful person who does not worry about their work? Who does not take what they do seriously? Anxiety keeps us on track, it tells us when something is important to us. If you feel anxious about your dog, your family, and whether you have a job or not it's simply a sign that your heart is in the right place and you have your priorities figured out. It is a sign you are a good person inside.
Instead of waiting for anxiety to once again temporarily disappear, focus on those times when you had courage; when you worked in spite of that anxiety. What was different then? What did you have, or what did you do that worked?
Only you can solve the enigma of your emotional self. But you can.
However, when a person has anxiety constantly, nearly non-stop, nothing makes sense.
I'm not saying it's impossible to overcome, but it's such a heavy mental problem for some people that it's very near impossible.
It would take a lot of dedication on my part to overcome it to a point where I could live comfortably.
I just try to manage it as best I can.