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Silence Is My Usual Golden...
10 years ago
I don't speak up a lot to the general public anymore...I interact with general strangers well enough to get through day to day life, but for the most part I just keep to myself.
Never really bought into the belief that I could be considered worthwhile, much less popular. When I became more known and popular I didn't handle it very well...my own sense of complete inferiority and deep depression undermined a great deal of my efforts to embrace the love and respect that I had been shown...that people whom I realized I cared about deeply, but a great many years after the fact...and I blew that...extremely hard.
I spent years after that adrift and simply surviving day to day...work my job, attempt to run role-playing sessions...and make friends...still didn't really know how to friend all that well. I could listen decently enough, and provide a shoulder, support, and give a good pick-me-up where it would be most needed and appreciated many times.
Not many people I interacted with over the years reciprocated, however...and then I would fail to deliver...out of not having the energy or resources...or subconsciously realizing that I couldn't put up with their crap anymore.
I moved far away from a family who did not want to understand me, who declared that I was an abject failure because my beliefs and values were not completely within line of what theirs were. I left to be with a woman I had loved dearly, and at that time that love was full...no impropriety, no oogling at other sets of chests or butts...I was very much a believer of being with one woman, one love...I was taken and for a decade happily so.
I gave up the pieces of my shattered life...friendships that drifted apart, family relations that faded over time...some for the better, easing the emotional abuse....but in hindsight, I lost far more than I had gained...I became a stranger to nieces and nephews, and eventually, the love of my life had grown ill....physically and mentally....giving up on life...before long, the love that was there was simply living together for mutual survival. I devolved from fiance...to boyfriend...to live-in-friend....to manservant....to irrelevant other than a source of income.
For the most part, I've lost just about everything related to that of a social life, set a small group of people whom I roleplay with....other than that....a vast majority of my days are spent alone...either napping or exercising....or just reflecting upon the many ways I've gone wrong.
On my 42nd Birthday, I vowed to go Forward....to stop living in the past...to try new things and experience life in a new light. I've continued to lose weight...it has been a five year journey which has seen me 175 pounds lighter than I used to be....325 pounds is still far from my goal, but I slowly Go Forward. I've been to picnics with my co-workers, and even tried dating a few times...but those efforts ended horribly. In August I visited my family back East to celebrate my brother's 40th Birthday...I needed to since I was utterly alone for my 40th...I am glad our family has embraced him so wonderfully for that special event. I rekindled some of what I lost, and tried things which I thought I would never have been physically able to do.
I returned to work two weeks ago, a bit shaky from the jet lag....nothing horrible happened when I was gone...my fears that I would leave these huge messes behind assuaged by the fact that after 10 years, I've gotten reasonably good at what I do...and a few days ago I was sent a picture of me, in my ill-fitting clip-on sunglasses looking like a complete dork...but clinging to my frame were my three nephews...and a note telling me how glad they were to have a cool uncle...even if he didn't know how to wear cool sunglasses.
I sit here now, in a great deal of mental conflict...wondering if this is finally enough to break me out of a suicidal tailspin that I've put myself into through neglect of my medical conditions...and at the same time I am frozen with terror...that if I swallow my fears and apprehension and present myself out to the world in general a newer, prouder, stronger and wiser man that I will simply be crushed even worse than before...42 years of defeat, 42 years of bitter disappointments, 42 years of lost loves, missed friendships, and harsh luck.
Forward.
I keep telling myself that.
Forward to the doctor, to tell him I choose not to commit suicide any longer.
Forward to rekindling the good-hearted nature within me.
Forward to friendships and love.
Now I've said it out loud, in a way...even if it's to a dark, empty room....at least the shadows know I will not die quietly...and forces at work around me will need to accept that.
--Murphy
"I will not go quietly...if anything, I'll go out with a sinister laugh, and leave all the rest wondering..."
Never really bought into the belief that I could be considered worthwhile, much less popular. When I became more known and popular I didn't handle it very well...my own sense of complete inferiority and deep depression undermined a great deal of my efforts to embrace the love and respect that I had been shown...that people whom I realized I cared about deeply, but a great many years after the fact...and I blew that...extremely hard.
I spent years after that adrift and simply surviving day to day...work my job, attempt to run role-playing sessions...and make friends...still didn't really know how to friend all that well. I could listen decently enough, and provide a shoulder, support, and give a good pick-me-up where it would be most needed and appreciated many times.
Not many people I interacted with over the years reciprocated, however...and then I would fail to deliver...out of not having the energy or resources...or subconsciously realizing that I couldn't put up with their crap anymore.
I moved far away from a family who did not want to understand me, who declared that I was an abject failure because my beliefs and values were not completely within line of what theirs were. I left to be with a woman I had loved dearly, and at that time that love was full...no impropriety, no oogling at other sets of chests or butts...I was very much a believer of being with one woman, one love...I was taken and for a decade happily so.
I gave up the pieces of my shattered life...friendships that drifted apart, family relations that faded over time...some for the better, easing the emotional abuse....but in hindsight, I lost far more than I had gained...I became a stranger to nieces and nephews, and eventually, the love of my life had grown ill....physically and mentally....giving up on life...before long, the love that was there was simply living together for mutual survival. I devolved from fiance...to boyfriend...to live-in-friend....to manservant....to irrelevant other than a source of income.
For the most part, I've lost just about everything related to that of a social life, set a small group of people whom I roleplay with....other than that....a vast majority of my days are spent alone...either napping or exercising....or just reflecting upon the many ways I've gone wrong.
On my 42nd Birthday, I vowed to go Forward....to stop living in the past...to try new things and experience life in a new light. I've continued to lose weight...it has been a five year journey which has seen me 175 pounds lighter than I used to be....325 pounds is still far from my goal, but I slowly Go Forward. I've been to picnics with my co-workers, and even tried dating a few times...but those efforts ended horribly. In August I visited my family back East to celebrate my brother's 40th Birthday...I needed to since I was utterly alone for my 40th...I am glad our family has embraced him so wonderfully for that special event. I rekindled some of what I lost, and tried things which I thought I would never have been physically able to do.
I returned to work two weeks ago, a bit shaky from the jet lag....nothing horrible happened when I was gone...my fears that I would leave these huge messes behind assuaged by the fact that after 10 years, I've gotten reasonably good at what I do...and a few days ago I was sent a picture of me, in my ill-fitting clip-on sunglasses looking like a complete dork...but clinging to my frame were my three nephews...and a note telling me how glad they were to have a cool uncle...even if he didn't know how to wear cool sunglasses.
I sit here now, in a great deal of mental conflict...wondering if this is finally enough to break me out of a suicidal tailspin that I've put myself into through neglect of my medical conditions...and at the same time I am frozen with terror...that if I swallow my fears and apprehension and present myself out to the world in general a newer, prouder, stronger and wiser man that I will simply be crushed even worse than before...42 years of defeat, 42 years of bitter disappointments, 42 years of lost loves, missed friendships, and harsh luck.
Forward.
I keep telling myself that.
Forward to the doctor, to tell him I choose not to commit suicide any longer.
Forward to rekindling the good-hearted nature within me.
Forward to friendships and love.
Now I've said it out loud, in a way...even if it's to a dark, empty room....at least the shadows know I will not die quietly...and forces at work around me will need to accept that.
--Murphy
"I will not go quietly...if anything, I'll go out with a sinister laugh, and leave all the rest wondering..."
I just happened to look at your page saw this post. I'm really sorry for what you've been through, and I really hope everything works out for you. Please find that strength to keep on going. Try to view life as a series of challenges to be overcome, instead of obstacles to be avoided. If you do that, it makes seeking an "out" less desirable.
Also
"It's never too late to be who you might have been." -George Eliot
Hey there...not sure how long you've been lurking about but didn't expect anyone to actually reply. It's startling and in some ways comforting.
As far as everything working out...well, we shall need to see, I'm too stubborn to go quietly though.
Viewing life as a bunch of challenges is something I'm intimately familiar with, and it's kept me alive for this long. With my age has come no small degree of bitter wisdom, however...and though I hate admitting it, some challenges do in fact turn out to be obstacles to avoid. I've learned to recognize the differences a little better now.
These days have seen a spike in my loneliness, however...the lack of a love in my life, Hell, the lack of some good local friends or even online ones have put me into a very grim mindset...and I've found that I focus a lot of those dark thoughts into my work...I get frighteningly efficient, which makes a lot of the strangers I help along my day very relieved and happy. Helping people get their medicine may not be a super-hero-y type of thing, but I'd like to think I'm a hero to some.
Emotionally and creatively, however...those have both been shaky, and I needed to simply speak out to the darkness to organize my thoughts...it helps ease the turmoil and the pain.
Seeing and knowing that there is at least one soul out there who though doesn't know me at all, but is kind and caring enough to speak out from the shadows and offer solace and some degree of peace...that is something I have been and always will be grateful for.
As far as not knowing someone...this is a thing that can start to be fixed very easily...with a simple "hello". **Smiles a bit**
Finally, I know the quote you posted well, it's another aspect of life I try to live up to.
Thank you again, for being a kind voice from the shadows...
Hmmm....ratfolk....I relate well to those...Year of the Rat, myself...and an avid roleplayer of ratfolk....and the usual cast of thousands from being a GM since being nine years old.
I...I ramble, I think I'll get some rest.
Take care, and maybe see you around later.
--Murphy.
"I cannot physically return to what I was...the Call doesn't work that way. But I can still be the same good person I was...just more scaly...wingy...horny...don't look at me like THAT, I have HORNS, you know." - Vynson Clarke (Fantiss Call)
My weird sense of humor is one of the very few things I've got going for me right now.
--Murphy
Welcome back?
Though silent, my thoughts of you and others I've quietly followed have kept me going.
Maybe Crazy 2020 had something to do with my delaying as well, but that's almost over with.
If thinking about me or the scant conversations we've had in the past helped you in any way, I'm absolutely proud and happy to have had them. <3
I also appreciate your patience, given how few and far in between our conversations have been.
It's something I have been able to work on since moving out of being nearly completely isolated to actually having access to local friends and a much more caring and friendly environment.
Being on Disability for 8 or 9 weeks also has given me time to work on fighting back the inferiority complex that has stymied my ability to actually have conversations and share stories.
There are few things more frustrating that staring at your keyboard for hours at a time, wanting to share ideas both weird and wonderful (sometimes both) and having an overriding voice in your head screaming "Don't Bother That Person! You're Not Worth the Time of Day!"
When I lived out west...that voice dominated my head...and now with some time in a much more positive place, it's become more manageable.
Glad you're finding the strength to punch that voice in the metaphorical nose.
But, coming close to a health disaster and then nearly dying outright two weeks later...I realize that since I'm still here, I can start sharing my life and forming those friendships.
I might be an older fart now, but I've got stories both in real life and in the literary sense.
Games to Run, Roles to Play...and Meals to Make For People.
I said this when I collapsed from my blood clot the first time: "I'm. Not. Done. Yet."
:-3