God I've barely had it in me to get out of bed today. I'm seeing a doctor on wednesday to hopefully start on anti depressants so I can hopefully be happy finally and take better care of myself. I'm doing this for me. If back stabbing friends who can't be bothered to ask "hey we've seem some troubling signs, are you ok?" Rather than get annoyed and talk shit behind my back and evict me happen to be less burdened by me because of it then kudos to them. But last night pushed me over the edge again. A lot has been happening (as it tends to in your early 20's) and I've been hiding it from alot of you. So I'll admit it to myself and to everyone now so maybe in a year when Iook back at this promise that I am making to myself and all of my friends here and now in. Year when I am hopefully winning this battle. This last june, during pride fest, I tried to kill myself. I had lost my dream job not once but twice, I got denied the promotion I now have, and spending time with friends was like pulling teeth while my family is so far away. I was on the overpass only moments from letting myself fall. I'll spare you/myself the details on the brief moment that kept me from doing it but my promise to my future self (assuming I'm winning this battle by then) and to my beloved friends who love me so much, even though I may not always be able to feel it through the cloudy thoughts that is depression, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to myself for running away from myself for so long, I'm sorry for not taking myself or the warning signs seriously enough to get help when I needed it, I promise that the moment I start feeling unsafe I'll seek professional help rather than bothering my friends/so called friends to try to hang out even when they clearly don't want to. I promise I will keep in check of my self/home care wherever I end up and if there is a problem I will be proactive and take care of it and I promise to stay on top of my pills. To my wonderful friends, I'm sorry I have spent my time shutting you all out, only contacting you when I can't take it anymore and letting things build up. I'm sorry for not letting you all be closer to me and not letting myself be closer to all of you. And im sorry for whoever i become during the difficult proccess of balancing pills that i have run from for so long. I promise to be a wonderful, happy, and good friend to you all, even if it takes time for me to get there. I promise to tell you if I'm not ok instead of hiding. I promise to not use this demon of mine as an excuse for my actions. And I promise to you , as I have myself, to seek help when I need it; rather than shutting you all out.

I'm sorry. I promise.