Right, going to start writing these when I have time, and maybe it'll help me pick up on my general grammar too. So, my day.

Pretty uneventful, to be honest. I was awake through to 8AM. I was with two of my friends, both of which are none-furry and straight. The one of my friends has gotten into this girl over the years and they've been very on and off over the course of the last six months, to be more or less exact. I can tell how much it's hurting him inside, though that he insists he's not bothered or doesn't care any more, he does, I can see it in his eyes. He's admitted to me that he cares about her, a lot. He described his sincerest feelings for her to me once, and they were pretty damn deep. I can honestly say I can relate, too. But I'll get onto me after.

Anyway, so this girl and my friend have been on and off for quite a while, and last week she offered him sex. Being an emotional person, and someone who needs to be connected to his partner before showing such an act of adoration, he declined. She took this the wrong way, and has been treating him unfairly up to now, where she's still tormenting him, though he sits and bears it due to his fondness of her, and tries to convince himself, and us, that he doesn't care.

So, come yesterday, they had a huge argument, where he admitted his inner-most thoughts about the relationship to her, intending to break the link with her, but he couldn't do it. She didn't believe anything he had to say, though he offered to prove it numerous ways, she refused to listen to any of the pleading made on his part and proceeded to act innocent and the under dog in the argument, claiming "If you keep treating me like this, I'll be linking next man." - For those of you who don't know the terminology for this slang, it means if he carries on acting the way he is, she'll get with the next man she approves of who presents himself to her.

The following night, that girl and her friend (who also happened to be making my friend feel worthless of the course of the 6 months) lost their virginity at a park in which they were drunk. The girl also offered sex to several boys and men during the day, including other people I know and the friend in which I'm writing about, again.

Now this girl claims that she has done nothing wrong to piss my mate off and that he has had his chance, I personally think it's a fucking pathetic, slutty, degrading excuse for making him feel jealous and upset, and I wish the world was rid of such fucking scum, nobody fucks with someone's skull like that, especially when he's already bending over backwards for you. I can see the whole 'treat them mean, keep them keen' attitude, but this is something completely and utterly fucking different, and should never have even been considered. Bullshit.

Right, now. Enough ranting on my friend's part, it's time for me to have a go and get some issues about the most important person in my life off my chest.

Right. I was an utter asshole for a couple of years, and bounced around a lot of girls, treated them all poorly, left them, came back after done with the next, etc. I regret every moment of that, and I loathe myself for it every minute that I spend living, it'll be something that wont leave my conscience, though some people may consider this a small thing that could be easily excusable due to the fact I'm youthful, immature and we do things like this at this age, I'd like to tell you that you're wrong, and that my actions are absolutely inexcusable.

You see, during the time in which I was being an utter prick, I met a girl called Paige. I got with this girl, and I ended with her within the month. I did my usual sweet talking bollocks every day to her, as she did to me, and it was like any other relationship in which I had ever been in. I just said whatever these girls wanted to hear to make them happy, job done. Did that for a while, maybe got something out of it, sexually of course, and I was on my way within a month or two. Paige was a shy girl, and she wasn't all to eager to let me in her pants, or anything, for that matter. A good girl, so to speak. I ended the relationship we had, and she cried her big, cute eyes out.

Now, I thrive off girls missing me, being jealous of me, loving me, wanting to be with me, talking about me, talking to me, anything, I don't care what it is, as long as it includes me. It feeds me some fake sense of security, and I love it. It's wrong, I know, but I'll play my cards right with a girl in such a way that will get her interested, then play them to make her more interested, and make her cry at night because I'm not there. Now, I won't lie to you, I love that. I've always been like that, practically single, but taken, though the girl thinks so highly of me I could cheat on her and sweet talk my way back into the relationship, depending on how well I've worked on this girl.

Now, my world stopped within the day I let Paige go.

I found myself trying to be happy, to spite her, but ended up feeling utterly shit inside because she was happier. Trying to make her jealous, but being more jealous of her. Tried to give her a dazzling smile, to make her think about what she was missing out, but she never looked my way. I couldn't be fucking happy without this girl, and it finally sank in.

No fucking way am I accepting this shit. Yet.

So my life was an absolute pile of shit for so fucking long I decided I was at breaking point. I needed this girl. I couldn't be without her. Though, I'm eternally thankful for what happened.

I was on MSN, my mouse hovering over her name, when she spoke to me. We spoke for a while, much to my satisfaction, when she told me we needed to talk. Yes! Great!

Best fucking day of my life, so far.

So, we talked. I was so expectant of that day, and it turned out to be a shitty conversation about how my holidays were. I could have sworn she had just flipped my own game on me and was putting me through exactly the pain I had inflicted on the other girls I had been with. I wanted to curl up and die on the spot, and when the bell rang signalling out last lesson, I departed swiftly, trying to keep myself occupied and looking happy.

Turns out she wasn't completely honest with me that day. She still loved me.

What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Do. To. Deserve. This?

I couldn't believe what I saw, and I jumped at the chance to be with her, naturally. Now, I can't get enough of her. I need to see her every day, to feel moderately happy. I need to know what she's doing, what she has done, how she feels, when I can see her again, I need to tell her I love her, I need her to know she's the most important thing to me, I need her to know I'm always there, and I'm actually crying as I write this, I can't fucking believe it. I'm so happy, and that's all because of her. She's my everything, and I'm going to be totally fucking lost when she ups and leaves. The only reason I feel utterly shit is because I don't deserve an atom in her body, I've fucked everything up and made a complete arse of myself, yet I get the most amazing person to ever bless the face of my world with her presence. Karma is going to come back and bite my fucking balls off somewhere, and I'm actually terrified to the point I can't sleep at night because that might be the night she dies, leaves, finds someone better, or just forgets.

I'm cutting this short before I end up writing too much down, but I'd like to leave this first journal with these words.

Paige, I love you so fucking much, and thank you for everything you've done for me, I'm forever in your debt. xxx

Thanks.