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How many close friends can someone have?
10 years ago
General
You can only be "close" with so many people at a given time. It's a sort of melancholy thing, but it's reality. Sometimes the people with the most friends and who know everyone actually have less close friends than someone who only even knows a couple dozen people. How many people you are capable of being really close to at once also surely varies from person to person.
It's really sad when you realize someone you considered a close friend really doesn't think of you as very close at all. :/ Has that happened to you?
The closer I am to someone, and the more I care about someone, the more vulnerable and sensitive I am to their words and actions. Most people in the world are barely able to affect me with anything they say or do. At some stages of my life, though, there have been people who could turn my world upsidedown with a phrase...or by not talking to me at all.
I'm sure not everyone is like that, but I had some of this on my mind. I was interested in how other people felt about these things. I'm here to listen if you want to share anything.
Do you feel that you have a lot of friends? Do you have a good amount of close ones that you rely on? Do you think those people feel the same way about you? ^^'
It's really sad when you realize someone you considered a close friend really doesn't think of you as very close at all. :/ Has that happened to you?
The closer I am to someone, and the more I care about someone, the more vulnerable and sensitive I am to their words and actions. Most people in the world are barely able to affect me with anything they say or do. At some stages of my life, though, there have been people who could turn my world upsidedown with a phrase...or by not talking to me at all.
I'm sure not everyone is like that, but I had some of this on my mind. I was interested in how other people felt about these things. I'm here to listen if you want to share anything.
Do you feel that you have a lot of friends? Do you have a good amount of close ones that you rely on? Do you think those people feel the same way about you? ^^'
the more friends someone has, the more likely is it gonna happen that they think less about those who are only seen a few times a year. 50 friends means way more experiences, and our brain filters out the best ones. If i were one among those fifty, the person would just not think of me that much, because they have so many other friends. of course he would remember me if we saw each other again on the street or online, but i doubt he would actively chat me up online first. and i simply dont wanna chat up someone who has so many friends that i can be replaced or forgotten.
I can only speak of my experiences. My best friends have not been the people who've I've talked to the most. They're the people who I've had the most meaningful conversations, who understand my strengths and weaknesses, and this can be determined relatively quickly depending on how open a person you are.
It's true that even as you make more and more friends, the number of hours in the day will always stay the same...and it's inconvenient... But! I don't think you should ever stop making friends. There are more than enough people who close off their hearts or ignore others' attempts to befriend them because they feel that they simply already have enough friends and people in their lives. That's pretty sad. The best friends you ever have in life could very easily be people you don't meet until you're 40! Who knows?
So it's a catch 22, really. You should always keep making friends, but as you do you'll realize you don't have time for everyone all the time. With this in mind I try to be very forgiving of those I don't hear from in a long time, and try my best to pick up with them exactly where I left off. Thankfully with online friends, chatlogs that you can scroll up and see the last time you spoke in make it pretty easy to pick up where you left off even after years. x3 But. It can still be tough, and people do grow apart. It can't always be helped.
i always have my heart open for new meaningful friendships, but i personally always have a kind of 'click' in my head after the first minute of talking to someone new. sometimes it clicks and i know, hey that person is cool and im gonna hang out with him alot. sometimes it stays at small talk and i know that we'll just not acquire a deep friendship.
its really a thing i think about alot, since ive just attended my first furcon last month and finally found real friends there. from 0 to 15 is quite an improvement, and all of those just within a few days. it really is a wondrous thing, that friendship.
I don't think it always clicks and lets you magically know who cool people are. I do know exactly what you're talking about, but it can be hard to assess your compatibility with a quiet person right away...and sometimes even people really different from you can end up being good friends—especially with enough shared experiences. Occasionally online I'll talk a little bit to someone like a dozen times before I start to realize that they're actually a cool person who I should pay more attention to.
right now, if i may extend this topic, i am looking at this from a fursuiter's POV. imagine someone who has just a few close friends among furries. they get an awesome suit and boom, 100 follower requests and dozens of retweets. After the first day.
suddenly that person has many fans, and some of those are also people with awesome fursuits. a whole new world opens to that person, so many new possible friends. and after a few years, that person has acquired so many of them that he has a hard time remembering/counting all of his friends without leaving one out. do you see the danger here?
cause when i see that person and find him cool/ like his pictures/ see they have the same interests etc. - i get extremely hesitant to start up a conversation online, because id ALWAYS have the feeling 'hey, am i good enough?'. With so many friends that person already has, what is the good of trying to be another one to them? chances are just too slim that i end up as good friend, so i often dont even start a conversation, but hope that the right people come my way instead.
watchu think? should i behave different? what would you do different?
However, in a situation like that I think the best route for the person making more friends than they can manage and easily keep track of is just to be sincere when they do interact with people. Maybe you don't get to interact with anyone a whole lot, and you don't get to interact with as many people as you like or your most beloved people as often as you'd like—but if you make as many of the interactions you do get to have as positive as you can make them, then no one should really have room to complain. Anyone can only do what they can and make the best of what they get.
The same goes for interacting with such people. If you're going to interact with someone, it shouldn't be a question of whether you're good enough. All you can do is be yourself and try to be positive and pleasant and friendly, and hopefully everyone—including the really busy ones—will enjoy it when they do cross paths with you. I think that's the most natural take on friendship and just being friendly. :3 It's probably just common sense, but there it is.
Also, no matter how popular or busy you perceive someone to be, if you treat them nicely and like you would want to be treated, then generally the worst case scenario is just that you have trouble getting or keeping their attention...and that happens all the time with people whether they're really popular or not. All we can do is say oh well and try not to harbor ot hold onto any negative feelings, being positive and friendly still if the occasion ever does arrive to interact with whoever you wanted to meet. u.=.u
One benefit of having only a few friends is that you have more time for all of them. You don't have to pick and choose who to spend your time with as often. n.=.n
Also yay for making fa completely f up the layout with this long row of comments XD
https://www.dropbox.com/s/5sm51qt7n.....part1.PNG?dl=0
https://www.dropbox.com/s/nyrmryohy.....part2.PNG?dl=0
Had to split it up. The order is really weird I'd say XD
I swear despite how many comments I've exchanged, he has to account for a significant portion of them.
Dunbar's number tends to average around 150 meaningful relationships at a time... but it's kinda ridiculous to put a statistic on something so subjective. It's a limit we all define for ourselves; a balance of staving off loneliness and keeping our sanity intact. Keeping up with too many people is really overwhelming, no matter how much you want to, and it's really tough to choose who you spend your limited free time with sometimes D: It's taken me a while to find that balance, though I do tend to stray into the overwhelming side occasionally. No reason not to try and get more friends though! As long as there's more thought put into it than a whimsical desire lol. Profile pages and journals here tend to do a good job of telling you what you might have in common with someone you wanna meet, more often than not.
I like Twitter too. Makes keeping up with interesting people like you much easier. And you're real fun to poke and compliment~ C:
I've found that trying to keep up with too many people at once can ironically start to make you feel lonely--or else wish you were, sometimes. I don't know that I'll ever really find a balance in how much a socialize and chat. I just tend toward one extreme or the other at random intervals. ;w;
Also heh... ^.//.^ You're sweet.
That Dunbar's Number stuff is interesting, but it really is a tough thing to measure--especially down to a specific number! Even one person I think is more equipped to handle more people and relationships at some points in their life than others.
Can't say it's ever made me feel lonely, unless certain people weren't around, but I do need my alone time XD I also don't think it's possible to find that perfect balance; just get as close as you can. The amount of people you can handle certainly does change on a daily basis as well... the best friends a person can have are the ones that understand all of this and stick by you anyways~ Demanded attention is a conversational turn off lol.
I, uh... don't have any >w>
Yer prolly right tho. >3<
Sometimes people don't actually mean to stop talking tho. Often they're just busy with other things, other people. It's not that they've forgotten you, either! They're just distracted! If you want their attention, ya might have to claim it. :3
You're right. It's not possible to be close to loads of people.. UNLESS you have lots and lots of time to devote..
Life and general business usually puts a limit on how much time one has for friends.
I've learned not to "rely" too much on anyone, as you'll be setting yourself up for moments of distress. Lessons I've learned the hard way.
Keep few close friends and keep them close.
Friends come and go, even ones you think are close.
I only have 1 friend (my best friend) whom has been my friend for 18 years now. ^^
Some people NEED to be surrounded by friends.
Everyone is unique and different.
TL;DR: Friends come and go. Usually quality is better than quantity. Do what's best for you.
Just my opinion. :3
There is a flipside to that, though. Relying on someone for any reason is one of the best ways to become closer to that person faster. ^^' I generally don't ask people for anything, though... I get really apprehensive about doing so, even when I have to.
You're especially one of those people I need to poke more at!
"Sometimes the people with the most friends and who know everyone actually have less close friends than someone who only even knows a couple dozen people."... Yeah, very true. I have generally been close to people I want to be close to. But I know a lot of people wish to be close to me, and are close to me, without me feeling quite the same. Not a matter of me disliking anyone like that, but my not having enough time for all the many people who want to spend time with me (thanks in part to my recognition amongst vore-furs and others, there's a lot of people who wanna talk to me). :( It's a frustrating situation, but indeed it's reality. I do wish I could make everyone happy, but I can't - and plus, I need to worry about my own self or everything else will crumble.
I got a ton of great friends though, I care about a ton of people, not just those I'm close to. I can't fault people for my lack of time for them, so I generally am friendly to those I don't know all that well too, as long as they're showing themselves to be nice.
I really like streaming because it lets absolutely anybody come by and hang out and talk to me, and it's easy for me to talk there, and easy to talk to a group. In most social situations I can only really focus on one or two people at a time, but in a stream I can socialize with and entertain a whole bunch of people.
But as to your question about how many close friends a person can have... That certainly varies; I'm stunted because I'm not good at multitasking or talking to lots of people at once (usually); I can literally have plans to do a bunch of things, then end up talking to a handful of people and suddenly my whole day is gone and I've done none of my goals. Time is not my friend, and so I have to be mindful of how much I'm talking to people. Some days I don't even log into Skype (like today) until I finish a bunch of tasks, just in case I derail from my tasks.
I think another important question is, what counts as a close friend? I notice for myself that I don't need a ton of time to make somebody a close friend to me, if my interactions with them go well and I get to know them and open up to them easily. Nor do I need to talk to a close friend all the time for them to be close; my close friends, even my mate, knows that sometimes I just up and disappear for a day or two, or longer, and I mean nothing bad by it. Absence doesn't ruin a friendship for me.
How do you feel about us, might I ask, Dessy? My feelings are, I consider you above a casual friend but below a close friend. We had some good talks a while back, got into our lives and such, but we didn't go too far into it after that. We regularly converse about lighter topics, so that's fun and friendly. But you don't really try to engage me on Skype at all; this is not a condemning statement though, as I'm not very good at engaging you or others either. But I don't mind pokes from people I like, if I'm around. :3 So you're a standard friend to me...which is quite a bit above a lot of my fanbase, who are very nice but what I'd call casual friends.
I'm also curious what mighta triggered your thoughts on this matter and your journal, if I could ask? I hope nothing bad. :s
I will admit to something kinda sad. For a long time I wasn't really on Skype much during the past year, and when I was I was often invisible, which is really dumb and hypocritical. I say hypocritical because it is extremely rare for me to start a Skype conversation with someone unless I see their name on a little "<Name> is Online" notification. For that reason I will seldom engage anyone who is always logged in for whatever reason—or is at least always on by the time I get on in the evening—or who is invisible all the time. Not because I'm not interested in people or don't think of them. I just don't go through my contact list on Skype.
You're a good friend, Charem. Sure, we aren't all that close, but you're definitely more than just an acquaintance to me. I value your opinions and care about your feelings. Your ideas and interests are worthy of note to me. I generally appreciate talking to you. Even if it's a pretty basic exchange, I feel like conversations I have with you tend to hold a little more depth and have a little more substance than many chats I often find myself in. It's nice. As I said: I quite like you. :3
And this journal was triggered by a pretty jarring, eye-opening exchange. I was feeling really really low when I wrote this.
Don't pity me.
I highly doubt people feel the same way towards me.
I know I have disappointed some people, though... ;c I should strive to do better in that regard...but to a certain degree that is what life is all about. Don't you think?
There's nothing wrong with being shy. Try not to let it be too much of s barrier, though...unless you really want to keep people at s distance.
But, I admit, I do have one very close friend. So close, that I made a Skype account solely to chat with this one friend and one friend alone.
There are a few others who were formerly my close friends, but eventually we've lost touch with one another. I still consider them as my friends, just that we seldom contact each other as much as we used to.
According to some guy called Robin Dunbar, the maximum number of friends we can have in our lifetime is around 150. It has come to be known as Dunbar's Number.
The sad reality is like what you've said: we can only be close with so many people at a given time. Given that, I'm just grateful that I even have friends at all, even if I don't consider them as "close" friends.
I do have close friends that i rely on irl and online and sometimes i feel like they feel same way towards me as well and the fact that i even question my own close frienship with all these years ive known them is really messed up but i dont say anything because maybe your mind is being a bitch >:V.
When i "try" to talk to someone (usually i aint as talkative and mostly that add me either want to RP or use me for arts and not friendship) is usually a way of saying "I see something in you and it makes me relate to you" is what leads me to being a close friend with that person but ofc not everyone has that same mentality.
While I view a best friend as family, that doesn't mean I trust all family like I do a best friend. That is a person that I would trust to watch my house while I am on vacation, and I wouldn't need to worry about thimgs being stolen or anything; that is the level of trust a best friend gets from me. In all I have only ever had 2 and we have been friends for over half my life. Some people don't trust for the fear of being betrayed in some way, but that is just living in fear and I have way too much else to worry about.
I have a lot of acquaintances, and some few friends. Or like I like to call em, "true friends".
The more "friends" you have, the less time you have to invest in each one of them. In the end, that's the reason why people with so many friends can't really have some close friends easily, over all if said person is frequently busy.
Its not about being mean or tossing people who aren't close to you. It's about investing time. Friendships can't be forced nor superficial. If my friendships were superficial, I never would have had friends who lasted more than one or two years.
I have some close friends, but not too many I suppose. More than I deserve maybe. It amazes me sometimes. :3 I really love my friends, and the people in my life that bring me the happiness I don't know how I'd live without. I sometimes find myself wishing I was better at showing my appreciation for them, though.
Strangely I am more concerned by following my friends and keep track of their mood when they are on the internet xD. That is probably natural too x3.
I grew up on the internet tho.