While I was feeling really down tonight I got a really interesting thought when I was sitting alone in my dark room.

"I could probably use my pocketknife to sever a vein and bleed out on the floor before anyone would even notice"

Now why is it that even though my family knows that I have suicidal tendencies they don't even care when I'm in a bad mood. Nobody noticed or cares when I want to end my life. My family don't care if I live so why should I? Now adays the pain just gets worse it never gets better.

My doctors want me to take anti-depressants but they can never seem to prescribe any to me. In this country you have to comit suicide before you get any help and even if you do that they just end up wondering why you didn't get help. Oh well not that I would want to take anti-depressants anyway "Happiness from the bottle" what bullshit all they do is make you into a emotionless zombie and then I'd rather be dead. To be fair I would rather be dead than have to walk around another day pretending I'm fine. Just because I'm smiling don't mean that I'm okay.

I just want to scream to the world that I'm in pain but who the fuck would care? No one would. I don't even have the choice to end my life anymore because my boyfriend said he wouldn't be able to live without me. I know he only meant well but it doesn't exactly comfort me. I used to take comfort in the thought that I could decide to end my life. But now I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up one day feeling to scared to continue living and my boyfriend is gonna do something stupid just because I can't carry on. I truelly do love him and I don't want him to throw away his life because I'm a coward. I love him so much and he always knows how to make me feel better but now adays I just don't know what to do anymore.