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Why can't I be positive? Why am I still so sad?
10 years ago
So yes, I have depression and anxiety...but why? I don't know anymore. I can't seem to stay positive, everyone tells me that if I just stay positive and act positive then I will be positive...but I can't do that, it's being fake. I have a loving mate (who will probably be really worried after reading this journal), been dating 2 years, working on moving in together, and marriage? When I'm with him I'm the happiest guy in the world; I don't want to leave his side. When I'm with him, he is all I have to worry about, and when I'm not with him the reality of my life sets in. I need to find a psychiatrist that will work with me (and the fact that I don't have a job and insurance is through parents and it is really shitty insurance but I don't pay for the thing so it's better than nothing), I need to find a job (which I know that if I'm not on medication I'm gonna start having serious panic attacks, like straight up freak outs), I have to student debt that I have to start paying back because I couldn't keep affording to go to school and live (a story for another day), I have car insurance that need to pay (my mate bought the car off of my birth father ... which I still feel horrible about), and so much more I'm sure I could come up with but everything listed is what has me stressed out right now.
While on anti-anxiety medication I was still depressed, but not as severe as it is right now. I got on the medication when I realized I needed to get some kind of help; I was having severe panic attacks, I was gonna kill myself. Now, having been off the stuff for about a month and half because of the damn insurance changing, is step-father's work insurance, I'm having panic attacks, not as bad as before but still bad. I'm scared because of how serious I am thinking about suicide ... but I don't want to. I know a lot of people will find that weird, that someone who is wanting to kill themselves but doesn't want to, but it's because of my mate. The love I have for him is so strong that I can't let go. While love is keeping me from killing myself, it doesn't help me to get out of bed, to sleep, to eat.
I had hit the lowest, most dark part of my life when I had attempted suicide. Since then, I climbed back to even ground, and then I climbed a small mountain when I started to date my mate and was at the highest when he said he loved me too. Now, I feel like I'm back in the dark pit I climbed out of so long ago; this time, the walls unclimbable. I felt myself start to make my way back out of that pit with the help of a rope ladder (my medication), but since I had to stop, I feel that the rope has been cut, and I'm on the floor of that dark, damp pit, wrapped in a fetal position, constantly crying.
I know that with medication, I will be able to get out of such a pit, but it will be with a rope ladder; and I can climb that ladder back to where I was at my highest, and maybe even higher than that! However, I'll always be using that rope ladder, and a rope can be cut. The higher I am when that rope is cut, the harder I will fall and hit that dark damp floor in my pit of despair.
So here's the question, that I need help with: How can someone, who's grown up being taught to always be negative and self loathing, become a person who is positive? Become someone who is worthy of the mate he already has? Become someone who no longer has to struggle with the desire to end his life?
While on anti-anxiety medication I was still depressed, but not as severe as it is right now. I got on the medication when I realized I needed to get some kind of help; I was having severe panic attacks, I was gonna kill myself. Now, having been off the stuff for about a month and half because of the damn insurance changing, is step-father's work insurance, I'm having panic attacks, not as bad as before but still bad. I'm scared because of how serious I am thinking about suicide ... but I don't want to. I know a lot of people will find that weird, that someone who is wanting to kill themselves but doesn't want to, but it's because of my mate. The love I have for him is so strong that I can't let go. While love is keeping me from killing myself, it doesn't help me to get out of bed, to sleep, to eat.
I had hit the lowest, most dark part of my life when I had attempted suicide. Since then, I climbed back to even ground, and then I climbed a small mountain when I started to date my mate and was at the highest when he said he loved me too. Now, I feel like I'm back in the dark pit I climbed out of so long ago; this time, the walls unclimbable. I felt myself start to make my way back out of that pit with the help of a rope ladder (my medication), but since I had to stop, I feel that the rope has been cut, and I'm on the floor of that dark, damp pit, wrapped in a fetal position, constantly crying.
I know that with medication, I will be able to get out of such a pit, but it will be with a rope ladder; and I can climb that ladder back to where I was at my highest, and maybe even higher than that! However, I'll always be using that rope ladder, and a rope can be cut. The higher I am when that rope is cut, the harder I will fall and hit that dark damp floor in my pit of despair.
So here's the question, that I need help with: How can someone, who's grown up being taught to always be negative and self loathing, become a person who is positive? Become someone who is worthy of the mate he already has? Become someone who no longer has to struggle with the desire to end his life?
I would say, get a journal and everyday, write down a happy thing that happened, or maybe something you are thankful for.
When you start realizing that there are good things in life, you'll start feeling better, slowly but surely.
You are so fortunate that you have a mate that loves you and you love back. Don't ever feel you are unworthy because he chose you out of everyone.
I know we don't know each other, but I am a friend you can speak with if you ever need to talk. :3