Thought I got better for a bit, but now every single moment when I'm not actively doing anything distracting I get the weight in the chest. It just take 2 seconds and the attempt of self worth just drops me to the point I feel I can't set up straight, so I drop my head to the desk/fridge/wall/whatever's around when nobody can see. Only when nobody can see. Don't know what conditioning I went through to not openly show weakness, but I think it's damaging me as well. I just don't know anymore. I have an appointment on the 19th at the local Behavioral Mental Health facility (BMH for brevity) and I'm hoping I can... I don't know. Not break down? I just don't know. It feels as if something is about to draw to an end, and not one that's going to turnout good for me if something doesn't happen.

I've basically given up looking for a job. When I fill out the applications, I just don't get any responses. When I check up on them, I get nothing. And now I have to avoid anyone that serves food because my hair is starting to fall out. Tomorrow I'll see about getting a ride to the courthouse to see about working the polls, but thanks to my "need" to be distracted I might have fucked that up. The whole job thing is partially what brings on this spell. I keep trying to think of what jobs I'd be good at, and now I'm just turning up nothing. I don't have the stamina for the labor positions, so I'd flake out on them like I did the last time for Wal-Mart. I'm not exactly a social person, so most other things I can't do either. Hell, I'm not fast, so I basically don't have a chance anywhere. Unless it's like a door greeter or something. Then at that point I just wouldn't feel like I'd be getting anything done and probably quit. I just don't know any more... I'm not going to claim I'm smart, that left months ago.

I'm seeing a personal spiral and the worst part is I don't know how to force myself out of it. I can think of all the reasons I should: to become less of a burden to my best/only friends, to help with my physical condition (which has been going down the drain since a year ago when I quit Amtgard), to improve my mental health, etc. I just don't know. This is the same crushing weight I get when I start on an application, only amplified. How did I get through this before? What was driving me? I just don't know anymore. That might as well be my catchphrase: I don't know. Used to be that I would just say it to give myself time to think, but now... I just don't know. I'm going to go read through these to... Fuck if I know. Maybe decide on whether I should print them to take with me two weeks from now.

I hope I can make it to then.