I can feel it aproaching, that sudden feeling of doom and despair. Lately ive been growing lonely a special type of lonely. I feel even more lonely than I ever did before I met my well I guess now ex-boyfriend. It's growing harder to even think about anything else than impending demise. My meds do nothing anymore and my next appointment with my doctor isn't until December.

Now I have been thinking about this for a while. My constant thirst for alcohol to dampen my hurt and every waking moment I want to hurt myself. I feel so good when I draw blood and moments after it I feel bad again so I have to do it again and again to keep feeling good.

Now this last week i've put all my things in order. I have the letter explaining everything written and I keep it in my backpocket all the time. It's actually pretty calming knowing that I can end it whenever and not have to worry about writing anything first. And now all that I am waiting for is that one thing to push me over the edge. The final piece to give me the conviction to finally put my pain to an end.

And I have heard it all before "don't do it. Talk to your family they care" But I can tell you already now that it wont be a problem.

To put it all out there in the open. I am adopted living with a foster family that don't give a shit. My real mom was a drug addict and my real dad was an abusive shit that hit my brother and mom. My foster parents aren't any better. My foster mom yells at me or doesn't listen to me. She only started to pretend to give a fuck when she found out I was depressed because she knew I could get money from the state because of it. My foster dad I never speak to. He is only interested in cars and I know that he doesn't like the fact that im Bi. My brother is almost as depressed as me having tried to commit suicide three times before just like me. The few times I speak with him now adays is when we argue. I have no friends left. My best friend now lives on the other side of the country so I never get to talk to him and my only other friend that still lives nearby is a homophobic asshole. I'm unemployed with no in-come not even from the state. I spend my days staring at a fucking wall in the prison I call my room. Mainly because my mom doesn't let me go outside because she works for the police and Is afraid I'll get killed. My so called boyfriend fucked me over. Just when I thought I had finally found happiness and he had finally convinced me I was actually worth something he left me without so much as a fucking goodbye. I can't find a single fucking reason to why I shouldn't just end it right now. All my dreams and hopes have been crushed. I'm no longer allowed in the military because im mentally ill. My grades are to bad for me to be able to become a laywer and no university in the country wants me. And lastly I can't even move away from home so I can live my own life.

Now that it's all out in the open I'm sure people can understand why I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do.

There was a quote I used to love that said
"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing to live when I wanted to die" Now I know that either I'm not brave enough anymore or I have just realised there is a thin line between bravery and foolishness.