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Dumping thoughts. Nothin to see~
10 years ago
Well. Since it seems i dont post much Journels...This is a mind dumb..to get thoughts off my head. Im not here for attension. Im not here for help..
Theres a floofball out there, who I've ran into a couple cons ago. That I never knew existed, until i saw him there. One whom I've since then, had a pretty high crush and likings for. As many know, im Demisexual and frankly, such things are fairly unheard of. Since guys and girls..just arent attractive to me. I bond with personality...which leads to me finding them, and only them, attractive. ( which does imply cheating etc never happens as everyone else is whatever to me ). Although i dont know this floof all too much, outside of the few times ive hanged with him via meets and such. I for some reason, at a core level, crush..heavily, on him. The unknown reasons, is what makes me very curious to learn why this is. I had my period of fun. Plenty of chats. Plenty of learning. Plenty of braggin how stupidly awesome he is to a few close friends. All wilded up and excited. I was poking him, fairly often. Perhaps...too often, because i was just blindfully excited over discovering he exists..and couldnt put words in my thoughts...to describe this. I got afraid for a bit, that i perhaps come across...creepy? For how much i was trying to stay in contact. I mean..for gods sake, Its not like we know each other THAT well. So. I made a stupid as fuck choice to 'temporary go offline via blocking contact' across FA..Facebook.. because, i needed to calm myself. As i was getting carried away, with my thoughts. Afraid...i was going to be too much of an annoyance. I figured at the time, this was a good decision. Calm down for a week. Reset myself. Return with a refreshed calm approach. Well. That was the problem, really. It was a dumb decision. Especially because i didnt think about giving him a heads up of 'i need to take a little break..its nothing personal, just need to calm myself'. Well. Come the next con, i was confronted...out of no where, and questioned why i blocked him for a short period. Which, at this time, was already undone. I couldnt find it in me, to give a proper answer. It was asked out of no where, which caught me off guard. It was infront of my friends, whom i didn't want to have to explain the whole story to. And...considering i have a mass crush on him, well.. his adorable cuteness infront of me.. on top of all the other reasons, i legitally froze up in my mind..and yeh. AC being a huge con, made it very difficult to refind him, and explain that...plus, after such, i pretty much felt like horrible shit in my mind the rest of the con. Because he had the curiosity and the efforts to find me, and ask why. And i let him down by not delivering an answer. Pretty much the day after the con i noticed drastic changes. Rarely talked to me, things were..very dead. Leaving me with the thoughts of "i fucked up" and "i likely lost a great friend" ... much the same, is true today. Its far from what it use to be. Theres still contact, just extreamly sparse. I feel as though im being ignored with a priority of -500, or hes holding back. Sparse..short...rare replies. I still have thay "fucked up" feeling. Only bright side to the story, is the fact i still have contact...and havent been deleted. Some signs of hope, that perhaps...theres some thoughts rolling in his mind, and things just need to be cleared up and restored. Stuff i endlessly try to do, without really..seeing much care.. from my perspective. Yeah, its one of those things you may day 'just move on and let it go' but.. frankly i couldnt really ever say that.. i put a lot of effort/time into things, to be what i once considered a vastly growing friendship. Though, to see it flip 180, put me into months of a off mood. I sometimes question why i care so much, and let it bother me so much. But then i remember...i have a crush on him, and love...does weird things to your mind. Im just out of thought. Looking to restore friendship...trust...etc. Still feel pretty bad about the past. Just glad MFF is coming up..i need time away from home..and to refresh..and hopefully motivate me more, and give me some good happyness for a chance... thats..kinda where i am...again..not looking for attension, or help. I just felt the need to blab.
Theres a floofball out there, who I've ran into a couple cons ago. That I never knew existed, until i saw him there. One whom I've since then, had a pretty high crush and likings for. As many know, im Demisexual and frankly, such things are fairly unheard of. Since guys and girls..just arent attractive to me. I bond with personality...which leads to me finding them, and only them, attractive. ( which does imply cheating etc never happens as everyone else is whatever to me ). Although i dont know this floof all too much, outside of the few times ive hanged with him via meets and such. I for some reason, at a core level, crush..heavily, on him. The unknown reasons, is what makes me very curious to learn why this is. I had my period of fun. Plenty of chats. Plenty of learning. Plenty of braggin how stupidly awesome he is to a few close friends. All wilded up and excited. I was poking him, fairly often. Perhaps...too often, because i was just blindfully excited over discovering he exists..and couldnt put words in my thoughts...to describe this. I got afraid for a bit, that i perhaps come across...creepy? For how much i was trying to stay in contact. I mean..for gods sake, Its not like we know each other THAT well. So. I made a stupid as fuck choice to 'temporary go offline via blocking contact' across FA..Facebook.. because, i needed to calm myself. As i was getting carried away, with my thoughts. Afraid...i was going to be too much of an annoyance. I figured at the time, this was a good decision. Calm down for a week. Reset myself. Return with a refreshed calm approach. Well. That was the problem, really. It was a dumb decision. Especially because i didnt think about giving him a heads up of 'i need to take a little break..its nothing personal, just need to calm myself'. Well. Come the next con, i was confronted...out of no where, and questioned why i blocked him for a short period. Which, at this time, was already undone. I couldnt find it in me, to give a proper answer. It was asked out of no where, which caught me off guard. It was infront of my friends, whom i didn't want to have to explain the whole story to. And...considering i have a mass crush on him, well.. his adorable cuteness infront of me.. on top of all the other reasons, i legitally froze up in my mind..and yeh. AC being a huge con, made it very difficult to refind him, and explain that...plus, after such, i pretty much felt like horrible shit in my mind the rest of the con. Because he had the curiosity and the efforts to find me, and ask why. And i let him down by not delivering an answer. Pretty much the day after the con i noticed drastic changes. Rarely talked to me, things were..very dead. Leaving me with the thoughts of "i fucked up" and "i likely lost a great friend" ... much the same, is true today. Its far from what it use to be. Theres still contact, just extreamly sparse. I feel as though im being ignored with a priority of -500, or hes holding back. Sparse..short...rare replies. I still have thay "fucked up" feeling. Only bright side to the story, is the fact i still have contact...and havent been deleted. Some signs of hope, that perhaps...theres some thoughts rolling in his mind, and things just need to be cleared up and restored. Stuff i endlessly try to do, without really..seeing much care.. from my perspective. Yeah, its one of those things you may day 'just move on and let it go' but.. frankly i couldnt really ever say that.. i put a lot of effort/time into things, to be what i once considered a vastly growing friendship. Though, to see it flip 180, put me into months of a off mood. I sometimes question why i care so much, and let it bother me so much. But then i remember...i have a crush on him, and love...does weird things to your mind. Im just out of thought. Looking to restore friendship...trust...etc. Still feel pretty bad about the past. Just glad MFF is coming up..i need time away from home..and to refresh..and hopefully motivate me more, and give me some good happyness for a chance... thats..kinda where i am...again..not looking for attension, or help. I just felt the need to blab.
When it comes to relations, you have to throw the feels out there, and then listen to the people and believe what they say. At times, the mind wants something so bad, that it ignores the signs or invents ones that are not there. You have to look at the signs and accept them as they appear.
*HUGGS*
After seeing it was mostly 1-way talk. Just him asking me a few things, claiming its for his curiosity and not really caring about a lot of things. I got pretty much nothing out of it, No advanced, nothing. Because my stuff, was left not-responded to. Which would be very impossible for him to really understand that, and fairly, hurts a lot to see.
After pondering on the stituation at hand, and what little efforts are actually made, I honestly see it as I was nothing but baited, simply so he can know 'whats wrong' to fill his curiosity, and shove me away after knowing. That may not be the case, but thats 100% how I see it. Baited. Not a fuck given. Wasted time. Had much more expectation when I was told 'sit down and really have a talk' and all. I learn my words to him, are fairly useless. I see no reason trying to even talk, let alone keep prying at being a friend. Why keep trying, when im constantly left with an impression of 'I dont give a fuck." 99% of stuff i say just gets marked 'read' and unanswered for days. weeks. Try again. Read -- Unanswered. Poke a random thing about him -- Like holiday plans? Get an answer. So I guess its all about him. Subjected to me.. Nope. Doesnt matter. Only he matters apparently. Has to be in the spot-light i guess. Attension seeker. Just leaves me hanging with the impression of no fucks given I exist. Only when you bring stuff up. Is he concerend for a day or so, then no longer cares. Been accepting things the way they appear. Usually isnt a good thing, to say that, either, if you truly know me. Me marking someone that way..much as it kills me. Reason i keep this anonymous here. If people ask me "What do you think about _______?" I give my honest opinions based off experience. I use to have a book of highly great things i would gladly say and put him up as a great person / kind as hell / amazing character, etc etc. Now days..with all ive seen..been through... I really, cant say much. Claims he can live life with the 2 friends he has -- So dont expect much 'friendship wise'... Due to such, expect low priority when it comes to wanting to know him, bla bla bla. Baiter? Seems like it...Much self ego... etc etc.