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A Reply To A Message (VENT)
10 years ago
It's been nine and a half months. I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. You hurt me. You took what I trusted you with and threw it away like it was nothing. Then you have the nerve to message me wanting it all to be okay and wanting me to forgive you?
Let me tell you something. It makes me physically SICK to get a message from you. I see your name and all I feel is how I felt on that morning nine and a half months ago. That day you took one of my deepest. darkest fears and made it a reality. Mind you, it's not just seeing messages from you, seeing people you know mention you in messages saying that you want to talk to me. You also happen to get people to message me at the worst times. I've had to cancel plans because I start feeling sick and I get anxiety attacks because I get a message from you or someone close to you.
I scroll through Facebook and I see memory posts, and a lot of them mention you, because at this time one year ago, you were what I cared deepest for. You were my escape. You were my lifeboat. You were my shoulder to cry on. You were my happiness. You were the "love of my life."
Does this mean I don't wonder how you're doing? Hell no. I still think about the past almost 10 years, and it makes me want to cry. It seriously makes me want to fucking cry. YOU are one of the only people that caused me to cry. We had so much. Trust, friendship, love, and all of it was thrown away. I don't think I've ever been so upset about one fucking person.
However, there is something you must know. On the off chance that you somehow see this journal, I'm not ready to speak to you. I honestly can't tell you that I will ever be ready. Nobody has hurt me like you have. People say forgive and forget, and I can't see myself doing that. If I forgive you, I will never forget what has been done, and if I forget everything that happened, I will never forgive myself. It's weird, you know? Normally I promise myself to find some way to forgive people that have done wrong to me, but I can't seem to find a way to forgive you.
Let me tell you something. It makes me physically SICK to get a message from you. I see your name and all I feel is how I felt on that morning nine and a half months ago. That day you took one of my deepest. darkest fears and made it a reality. Mind you, it's not just seeing messages from you, seeing people you know mention you in messages saying that you want to talk to me. You also happen to get people to message me at the worst times. I've had to cancel plans because I start feeling sick and I get anxiety attacks because I get a message from you or someone close to you.
I scroll through Facebook and I see memory posts, and a lot of them mention you, because at this time one year ago, you were what I cared deepest for. You were my escape. You were my lifeboat. You were my shoulder to cry on. You were my happiness. You were the "love of my life."
Does this mean I don't wonder how you're doing? Hell no. I still think about the past almost 10 years, and it makes me want to cry. It seriously makes me want to fucking cry. YOU are one of the only people that caused me to cry. We had so much. Trust, friendship, love, and all of it was thrown away. I don't think I've ever been so upset about one fucking person.
However, there is something you must know. On the off chance that you somehow see this journal, I'm not ready to speak to you. I honestly can't tell you that I will ever be ready. Nobody has hurt me like you have. People say forgive and forget, and I can't see myself doing that. If I forgive you, I will never forget what has been done, and if I forget everything that happened, I will never forgive myself. It's weird, you know? Normally I promise myself to find some way to forgive people that have done wrong to me, but I can't seem to find a way to forgive you.
