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An update on my life, but mostly ranting.
10 years ago
I haven't been active in quite some time and i feel bad. I really want to post more art but i have zero time for my own personal stuff with all these classes I'm taking. I will try and post some of the art stuff I did in college eventually, hopefully over break. I just don't have a lot of time between college and dealing with other real world things. I had a boyfriend, that lasted a year but then out of no where he tells me he has no time for me, when just a month before he was telling me how precious i am to him and how much he loves me. This was my first real relationship in my 23 years of existence. I gave him everything and now I wish i didn't. I once again put my trust into someone who didn't deserve it and it sucks. I hate the fact that I still stay up at night thinking about him and crying over it. Then he invades my dreams. I can't even enjoy playing some of my games because he bought them and I would always ask for advice and ughh it just sucks.
Thankfully I have some awesome friends here that cheered me up and helped me through it but unfortunately I'm so not over it and I wish i could just delete this whole thing from my memory. I want to Go back to being the me who loved being single and not caring about finding love or needing to be close and intimate with another person. as you can see I've never dealt with heartbreak.. I'm not sure how to deal with it either. Part of me wants to crawl into a whole and cry while the other part wants to beat the shit out of the man who crushed my heart, or at least make him feel the pain i do. I'm not one for violence or revenge so no worries about that. I've already crawled unto my bed and cried about several times already so I think I'm good with that.
Speaking of crying I cried during my ASL presentation because my social anxiety decided to be worse than usual for no reason. I felt fine up until I heard my name was called. Then I walked up in front of the lecture hall and started sweating and then shaking, then tears just started pouring out of my eyes and i nearly started blacking out....ughh it was awful. Now I can't make it up so I'm going to be stuck with a C, and really needed to bring it up so i can get a scholarship. I thought i was finally comfortable with that class. it's the same people I had last semester and I aced the presentation then. I don't understand myself. I really don't. Sometimes i can be open and talkative and other times I feel like i'm going to die if there's another person in the room with me. Then there's times i feel like i'm going to die if there's not a person around me.
But anyway it's nice to rant, thank you all who care to read, if not I understand. This is a lot of ranting so yeah xD
Now I'm stressing over finals. Mainly my Digital illustration final because it's due this Thursday and all I have is a sketch. It's suppose to be 2 point perspective ughh just kill me now. This graph we have to make to measure it out is so confusing I don;t even know where to begin. I need to sleep.
Hopefully once Finals are done and I'm back home I will post some art or at least some of the art stuff I did in class.
But I saw this and I just...idk I had to say something. There's a lot in there and i'm not an artist nor even in college anymore, but, well with some things I am will say, I can understand on some level. We are two entirely different living creatures, so there is no "I understand" or "I get it." But I hadn't cried at all for a second since I was like 6 until I got my heart broken for the first time. I can't even say "it gets better."
As far as the presentation thing that seems extremely unfair, and, it's your life, it is 100% always entirely up to you, but I would speak to a higher power about the "not being able to make that up." You did everything else and you had one attack then, and your going to get a C? Shouldn't let that fly.
Your mixed reactions to me, seem like, you are trying to not be isolated or full of anxiety. Your open and talkative because you probably wish to be, or else may someone manages to engage you to do so, course I don't know specifics. On the other hand your terrified and it comes out at the worst times?
All I can end my response with is I only wish to be supportive as an outside party who may not really understand, but can comprehend on some level. And also, wish you best of luck in my life. Just don't stop fighting, if you've made it this far, your stronger than anxiety and can do it.
I know it won't exactly get better but i hope eventually i can stop regretting it so much. At least be able to cope with it on a better level than I am now.
And it does seem very unfair but my professor really doesn't have time. She lives almost 2 hours away from campus and works as a interpreter for the deaf when shes not working here. I'm going to see if perhaps she can let me do my sign presentation over a skype session though. She did say she was going to see what i need to make on the final test to bring it up, but most likely I will have to get a perfect score to do that. If the skype thing falls through I will just have to do my best on the test and study like hell. If only it wasn't accumulative... ughh.
Maybe. I don't know if I want to be more social, maybe just more comfortable being around people to where it doesn't stress me out so much. I guess it was worse this time because of every thing that's happened and the stress of finals week that really got to me this time. Being put on the spot just probably drove me over the edge. If it was just one on one with the professor i would have probably been fine, or if it didn't take place in a lecture hall.
But thanks, really. I feel lighter getting it off my chest. I have a habit of just holding things in hoping it will go away. I'm getting better at it though.
Thanks for taking the time to read my rant and even reply though. It's much appreciated.
Yeah I been very busy with my life and getting through the college I'm in right now with my senior year. How are your class's and college going for you by the way?
Sorry, I have been much of a talker to you and Nikki both for a long while. I haven't forgotten you both, believe me. It's just life is getting in the way now and I have all my friends from college and my girl to pay attention to but I'll try to make time in between to talk to my friends here too. That was one of my New Years resolutions for this year.
I am going to be transferring to another college this year, I registered class's for in the Fall starting sometime in August. Going to be majoring in Digital Media/Graphic Design for an two year degree. :)
But yeah, I hate when stressful things get in the way of your life but sometimes it's just some things we can't control and we just have to live and learn how to deal with them sometimes even though it gets pretty hard. I hope things get better for you eventually Terra.
It's rather sad that some men can't appreciate the privilege of having a special someone by their side... and I say privilege, because I'm 28 years old, and have yet to have even a single girlfriend in my life..
If I had one, I would be loyal and faithful to her.. but alas, I've never been given that chance.
I don't know if maybe you might be interested in getting to know each other? it's probably the worst time to ask, but eh... when is it ever a right time to ask anyways... ^^;