As I road the subway today I found myself thinking about the person I used to be, not my childhood or some weird other life thing, but who I was just 4 years ago. Why 4 years ago? Well 18 was a huge year for me, many things happened and I took many steps towards becoming an adult, some that I regret and others that I wouldn't change given the choice. The year I I was 18 was significant for a few reasons, firstly, it was the year I graduated high-school, I no longer had to go to the same boring old french catholic high-school and see a bunch of people who couldn't give two shits about me if they tried. Next, I not only moved out of my parents' place but also moved into an apartment with my boyfriend. I didn't know how difficult it would be or what I was in for, but I was 18 and thought I could carry the world on my shoulders while taking on life single handedly. So I had a bit of freedom, but I also had some responsibility, I was working full time at a dead end job that I didn't particularly like.

I was naive and optimistic and oh so stupid... I made many mistakes, most of which I hate to even have to admit to myself that I did. I found love where I never thought it would be, I found new friend, lost old friends, reconnected, disconnected, found happiness as well as grief... It feels like its been the longest 4 years in my life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, people who know me, know that I'm not the kind of people who wants to "grow up" per say, I kinda feel like I'm stunted at 18 but as much as Id like that to be true, I'm nothing like I used to be...

I've changed in so many ways... In my ways of thinking, the way I talk, the way I act around others, the way I feel when I'm alone... Things have changed in way I never thought they would... In way I wish they never had... I no longer talk to most of the same people I used to... If this applies to you, I'm sorry, I really am... I no longer live where I used to, nor with whom I used to, I've moved so many times nowhere really feels like home to me anymore... I've lost a huge part of my heart that was given to someone... I dropped out of college once and am currently in college again... hopefully I won't drop out again... I could go on forever about the things that have changed but I doubt anyone would want to read all that (or any of this to be honest)

Scientifically speaking, all of the particles that made up past me, have been shed of excreted, all that made up me is no longer part of me... And the things that old me was, I feel like they're gone... like I'm someone else... The only things he and I have in common are the way we look, the things we have, and our memories...

I feel like I've grown up a lot in the past 4 years... I'm for the most part more mature, I have thicker skin and a much more pessimistic outlook on life than I used to... I don't if I more dislike who I was or who I am now... They feel like opposites...

If you've read this far, I'm sorry I'm being so negative... Life is hard enough just living, but it feel like an impossible feat when you live with depression... Before anyone panics, I'm not gonna do anything stupid, I just needed to vent... You see, I've changed more than I thought possible in 4 years... I'm scared of what might happen in another 4... Will I be happy? Will I be working a dead end job? Will I have graduated college? Will I have gotten a job in my field? Will my heart break again? Will I lose more of myself? I'm scared... and I feel like there is nothing I can do... I just want to be happy... Though I feel like that's something I may never be able to catch...

Anyways... If you read this far thank you, whether you care about me, or are just curious about my life, reading this far means you must care at least a little. I'm sorry my journals are always negative and are about a quarter year apart, but I'm trying... And that's all we can really do in the end right? Try our best?