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How time flies...(Emotional)
10 years ago
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
-William Shakespeare All right, I'm going to be up front here, what follows is essentially an emotional release. If you stay to read, that's great. If you leave a few words, that's even better.
Going on six years active here, 300 Watchers and 10,000+ page views. Large numbers that feel like landmarks, at least to me. Can't help but feel like a lot of the magic is gone though, and been trying to figure out where I left it. I get little sparks, every now and then. Ideas that capture my attention, and then just kind of...sit. Don't know why, but it just seems like whenever I try to execute on anything, it's like I get, well, paralyzed. I can brainstorm and conceptualize great whenever the opportunity to execute isn't really there, like at work (where I don't have access to a computer and using a smartphone could get me in trouble on the shop floor), but when the capacity's there, like at home with my computer, like I am right now, I just...I don't really know. I feel like I can't write because I fear nobody will care or will be put off by it or something, even if comments on my work demonstrate otherwise. I want to work on designing games but it's like I fear the mountain of work before me and that it'll all amount to a disaster that was a waste of time that I could have spent succeeding. Except I look back and it seems like all the time I spent avoiding failure, I've spent doing nothing. Not succeeding. I don't want to call it fear, but I'm not sure what else to call it, to be honest. It's like I'm a walking contradiction or paradox. I don't "feel" like this or that, but I have no other way to define it that I can think of.
Part of all this I think stems from some kind of emotional shift from child to adult that I never fully made. Growing up, I was told I was very mature for my age. The problem now seems to be that while I was mature for my age back then, I don't think it grew from there. I'm 28 and it's like I want to keep living like I was 15. I understand the responsibilities of an adult, or at least I believe I do, but I sometimes feel like I never really made the full transition to adulthood, mentally or emotionally. It still just sounds weird as hell to me to be called "Mr." or "Sir". Of course, I'm sure working a dead end factory job isn't helping. What I need is a job I can enjoy doing. But like with my creative ventures, the initiative to work on that hits the wall of paralysis; I don't even know where to begin, and so the journey never begins.
I mean, I have friends, mostly those I've met online, and I'll be the first to say that they've done the majority of the heavy lifting there, reaching out to me, which has meant a lot. Can't say I feel I've fully reciprocated that, though I'm sure they'd disagree. I don't really know why I don't reach out to them more. I mean, besides my having social skills akin to a rock. That, and it does seem like I feel like I have nothing to say, or don't know what to say, so I don't poke them to even say "hi". That kinda gets back to what I was saying earlier, how I've changed. Back in the day, the company of myself was enough. Now, it isn't, and I just don't know how to approach people, how to talk to people, how to properly introduce myself, and so on. My friends took the time to get to know me, got me to open up, took the first step (from my point of view anyway), and I struggle to do the same. Heck, there's someone here on FA whom I'd like to get to know better, but I just seem to find myself saying all the wrong things, and even if he knows I mean well, it makes getting to know him better just that much more difficult.
I'm not really even sure what else to say at this point. This wasn't originally intended to be a release, but I just needed to. I'm tired, my mood is low, and I feel like I'm kind of emotionally spent now. I just...needed to say all that I guess. I know there are people who care, who may or may not read this, but unfortunately that knowledge doesn't help like I feel it should. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks.
Going on six years active here, 300 Watchers and 10,000+ page views. Large numbers that feel like landmarks, at least to me. Can't help but feel like a lot of the magic is gone though, and been trying to figure out where I left it. I get little sparks, every now and then. Ideas that capture my attention, and then just kind of...sit. Don't know why, but it just seems like whenever I try to execute on anything, it's like I get, well, paralyzed. I can brainstorm and conceptualize great whenever the opportunity to execute isn't really there, like at work (where I don't have access to a computer and using a smartphone could get me in trouble on the shop floor), but when the capacity's there, like at home with my computer, like I am right now, I just...I don't really know. I feel like I can't write because I fear nobody will care or will be put off by it or something, even if comments on my work demonstrate otherwise. I want to work on designing games but it's like I fear the mountain of work before me and that it'll all amount to a disaster that was a waste of time that I could have spent succeeding. Except I look back and it seems like all the time I spent avoiding failure, I've spent doing nothing. Not succeeding. I don't want to call it fear, but I'm not sure what else to call it, to be honest. It's like I'm a walking contradiction or paradox. I don't "feel" like this or that, but I have no other way to define it that I can think of.
Part of all this I think stems from some kind of emotional shift from child to adult that I never fully made. Growing up, I was told I was very mature for my age. The problem now seems to be that while I was mature for my age back then, I don't think it grew from there. I'm 28 and it's like I want to keep living like I was 15. I understand the responsibilities of an adult, or at least I believe I do, but I sometimes feel like I never really made the full transition to adulthood, mentally or emotionally. It still just sounds weird as hell to me to be called "Mr." or "Sir". Of course, I'm sure working a dead end factory job isn't helping. What I need is a job I can enjoy doing. But like with my creative ventures, the initiative to work on that hits the wall of paralysis; I don't even know where to begin, and so the journey never begins.
I mean, I have friends, mostly those I've met online, and I'll be the first to say that they've done the majority of the heavy lifting there, reaching out to me, which has meant a lot. Can't say I feel I've fully reciprocated that, though I'm sure they'd disagree. I don't really know why I don't reach out to them more. I mean, besides my having social skills akin to a rock. That, and it does seem like I feel like I have nothing to say, or don't know what to say, so I don't poke them to even say "hi". That kinda gets back to what I was saying earlier, how I've changed. Back in the day, the company of myself was enough. Now, it isn't, and I just don't know how to approach people, how to talk to people, how to properly introduce myself, and so on. My friends took the time to get to know me, got me to open up, took the first step (from my point of view anyway), and I struggle to do the same. Heck, there's someone here on FA whom I'd like to get to know better, but I just seem to find myself saying all the wrong things, and even if he knows I mean well, it makes getting to know him better just that much more difficult.
I'm not really even sure what else to say at this point. This wasn't originally intended to be a release, but I just needed to. I'm tired, my mood is low, and I feel like I'm kind of emotionally spent now. I just...needed to say all that I guess. I know there are people who care, who may or may not read this, but unfortunately that knowledge doesn't help like I feel it should. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks.
For the "What it means to be an adult", it's something I think I'm still trying to define. Responsibility I think is a part of it, and maybe a little sense of self sufficiency. I still live at home because I don't want to go through a lot of apartment hunting or going from apartment to apartment as I go from job to job. When I leave home, I want to feel at least somewhat "settled". I know the likelihood of finding my house for life on the first one it unlikely, but I'd rather be on at least the path to a career in a home I can comfortably stay in for more than a year or two. But yeah, a part of me feels like I'm still a dependent, like I don't feel like I can manage all the different responsibilities of adult life, so that mentally I still feel like a teenager.
As for having met before, while I think we've bumped into each other on FA, if memory serves, I think we more officially "met" in Kee's/Flixard's Pathfinder/vore Skype group, until you left one day and no one quite knew why. As for Steam, I might do that, as I know I'll need to get Steam eventually for, as I've read, it's the only way I'll be able to play X-COM 2.