FA+
Shop
It gets better/venting
10 years ago
So back in July, I had to give up my 6 month old Pomeranian puppy, I had put alot of time and effort into him, however the first month I had him my aunt kicked me out and gave me 7 days to move, so I was forced to have a friend of mine watch him. He fought with their dog and I was staying with my bf in over 20 hours away about a 24 drive going slightly over the speed limit. Now back on topic, they made me take him back, needless to say for the next 2 months he was shipped around to many people I didn't know, now this is no way for a puppy to be raised. I hated it and I hated myself and I still try and cope with that guilt every day. So he went to homes were he was crated 24/7 and yelled at, homes with my boyfriend's friend that hit him, and one that threatened me, and him, saying they would take him to the pound, or put him down. Now there is alot more to this then meets the eye but I wont get into it. Point is by the time he came home he was abused, and very very unstable. We spent some time trying to correct him, he would bark and growl at our down stairs neighbor, at anyone who would come near me. He still loved me, though eventually one day while trying to correct his aggressive behavior to my husky (2 month old at the time) he bit my throat, i got him off before he broke skin, but after that, I crated him, I was afraid to let him out for my safety and my puppies safety, we had tried shock therapy everything we could manage nothing worked.
So we found him a new home better equipped to deal with him, I have literally cried myself to sleep every night I have fought to keep a smile on my face for everyone else's benefit. However, this month I really did break down worse, I lost my cat because of me being evicted and she was very closely bonded to me. When I lived with my aunt, she would call my cat over to her, and when my cat would get close to my aunt would shew her away and say "no body loves you". It broke my heart, so instead of stressing my cat out like I did my dog with the move, I re-homed her, my beautiful calico baby, she was 3 years old and I had her for 2 years. She was with me through many suicide attempts, from cyber bullying, and regular bullying as well as my abusive cheating ex. So it was hard, now its that time again when I lost her, and lately I haven't been able to forge a smile or even pretend to be happy, I barely get out of bed anymore. Truth is, I regret not spending time with my dog before I had to give him up, the last thing I did was hand him off I didn't say good bye and I did not cry though I never cry over things. My brother died I didn't cry i bottled it up, however with animals im more soft then with people.
For the first few months after losing my cat and worrying constantly over my dog's training cause I was not around, I never wanted to sleep cause I had horrible dreams, because I am an artist, i see things so visually. I have friends who say they wish they had my talent, truth is no you don't cause ever moment you spend in your life that is horrible or fills you with guilt and regret, you cannot forget that. If you get bullied beaten and raped, you will remember it so vividly that you lost sleep it will show in all your art in some way shape or form. You can never escape it. I had dreams of my rapist raping me over my cat's dead body and my dogs as they bled out and I was unable to save them ( want to be a veterinarian so that is a huge thing for me not being able to save an animal) I suffered that for months, because the time of my rape and the time I lost my cat co-inside, not to mention at the same time I was unaware of what was happening with my dog.
That same friend who held my dog and couldn't keep him due to him fighting with her dog, ended up buying my a new Pomeranian puppy this month, my new puppy comes home on the 22nd, and she is amazing, she is the same colors my cat was, (she is a brindle pom so calico vs in a dog) I was really happy, but I can't forget that guilt, the owners who adopted my dog from me, sent me photos and updates, of him, he is healthy happy, he gets along with children now and on top of that has not bit anyone since July. I was really happy to hear that. My rapist? He got what was coming to him, my friends ended up living in the same city as him and confronted him in front of police where he admitted to what he did to me. My abusive ex-stepfather is now in court with my mom cause my sister who is biologically his and my moms, told him she never wants to see him again, so I know hes not near my family anymore. As for my cat, she is in a happy home, with 2 children who play with her and love her daily she is fat now from all the treats.
I guess it goes to show, if I had given up when I wanted to, I never would have known, that my dog did not get put down like I thought he would, my cat is alive and happy, my abuser is being brought to justice, and same with my rapist. I want everyone out there who has had a horrible year not only to know that it gets better, but it could be some worse. Things could be hell and no matter what you have the 1 person who loves and cares for you even when it doesn't seem like it. I know that is what everyone says, but if you need a friend, if you need someone to talk to cause you are falling apart, message me, I wont bite, I know how bad it can get, I haven't been actually happy in over 16 years. I am 18, 19 in march and that is saying something, even my mom says she has never seen me smile since I was 2. So hold on, cause things, they get better, they are not as bad as they seem. You have friends and people who need you, next year, it will be a better year. So hold on for the years to come.
So we found him a new home better equipped to deal with him, I have literally cried myself to sleep every night I have fought to keep a smile on my face for everyone else's benefit. However, this month I really did break down worse, I lost my cat because of me being evicted and she was very closely bonded to me. When I lived with my aunt, she would call my cat over to her, and when my cat would get close to my aunt would shew her away and say "no body loves you". It broke my heart, so instead of stressing my cat out like I did my dog with the move, I re-homed her, my beautiful calico baby, she was 3 years old and I had her for 2 years. She was with me through many suicide attempts, from cyber bullying, and regular bullying as well as my abusive cheating ex. So it was hard, now its that time again when I lost her, and lately I haven't been able to forge a smile or even pretend to be happy, I barely get out of bed anymore. Truth is, I regret not spending time with my dog before I had to give him up, the last thing I did was hand him off I didn't say good bye and I did not cry though I never cry over things. My brother died I didn't cry i bottled it up, however with animals im more soft then with people.
For the first few months after losing my cat and worrying constantly over my dog's training cause I was not around, I never wanted to sleep cause I had horrible dreams, because I am an artist, i see things so visually. I have friends who say they wish they had my talent, truth is no you don't cause ever moment you spend in your life that is horrible or fills you with guilt and regret, you cannot forget that. If you get bullied beaten and raped, you will remember it so vividly that you lost sleep it will show in all your art in some way shape or form. You can never escape it. I had dreams of my rapist raping me over my cat's dead body and my dogs as they bled out and I was unable to save them ( want to be a veterinarian so that is a huge thing for me not being able to save an animal) I suffered that for months, because the time of my rape and the time I lost my cat co-inside, not to mention at the same time I was unaware of what was happening with my dog.
That same friend who held my dog and couldn't keep him due to him fighting with her dog, ended up buying my a new Pomeranian puppy this month, my new puppy comes home on the 22nd, and she is amazing, she is the same colors my cat was, (she is a brindle pom so calico vs in a dog) I was really happy, but I can't forget that guilt, the owners who adopted my dog from me, sent me photos and updates, of him, he is healthy happy, he gets along with children now and on top of that has not bit anyone since July. I was really happy to hear that. My rapist? He got what was coming to him, my friends ended up living in the same city as him and confronted him in front of police where he admitted to what he did to me. My abusive ex-stepfather is now in court with my mom cause my sister who is biologically his and my moms, told him she never wants to see him again, so I know hes not near my family anymore. As for my cat, she is in a happy home, with 2 children who play with her and love her daily she is fat now from all the treats.
I guess it goes to show, if I had given up when I wanted to, I never would have known, that my dog did not get put down like I thought he would, my cat is alive and happy, my abuser is being brought to justice, and same with my rapist. I want everyone out there who has had a horrible year not only to know that it gets better, but it could be some worse. Things could be hell and no matter what you have the 1 person who loves and cares for you even when it doesn't seem like it. I know that is what everyone says, but if you need a friend, if you need someone to talk to cause you are falling apart, message me, I wont bite, I know how bad it can get, I haven't been actually happy in over 16 years. I am 18, 19 in march and that is saying something, even my mom says she has never seen me smile since I was 2. So hold on, cause things, they get better, they are not as bad as they seem. You have friends and people who need you, next year, it will be a better year. So hold on for the years to come.
