So, I don't know why I'm even bothering with journals anymore, it's not as if anyone actually says anything.

How do you deal with a realization that while you know you need to learn how to live with and handle, makes you sick to your stomach it hurts so badly?

I'm trying to pretend I'm ok...I'm trying to pretend I still have everything together, but I don't. I'm a fucking wreck. I have to use my own saying on myself this time-

"She's 10 gallons of crazy in a 5 gallon bucket, you ain't got time for that mess"

because that's exactly how I feel. I cry constantly. I'm so homesick I can't stand it. I'm smothering Tim to death. I miss...way too many things. (Not people. Not the person you're all thinking of. Don't misunderstand me.) I miss too many actions.

I hate myself because despite the recognition that there is 110% effort being put in here, I feel like a stupid greedy bitch because I'm still...I dunno.

I feel like anyone I talk to, I overburden. So I don't talk to anyone, which leaves me feeling alone. Which in turn makes me spill EVERYTHING to one person. Which makes me feel like a burden. Ugly cycle.

Sometimes I just wish I could go home, get me some little job down there, get some little cheap trailer out in the country in Buhl or Gordo or something out in Sispey Valley and just..be alone.