It is already past 1am and I propably should be in bed by now. But I feel like writing down a few thoughts. Not so much for you (sorry, guys; actually I don't even expect you to read this stuff or even believe that you actually do; seriously, who reads journals on FA anyway). I am writing this for myself.

So I got the job I applied for a few weeks ago. For the first time in... hmm... 10 years? ...I actually applied for a job and got it. It is not like my field of job activities hasn't changed over the years. I am working in a huge company with 350.000 employees in 90 countries. A company like that re-organzies it's structur again and again. And during such re-organizational processes I got sort of thrown around like in a small boat on a huge ocean. So my work changed from year to year without me putting any effort into steering my direction.

I was sort of fine with it. I earned enough money to fill the fridge and pay the rent and even do dorky things (some of which you witness when looking at my gallery). My personal freedoms were great and I got a few payed vacation days, too. Believe me when I say, I know that this is a luxury.

But two major things happened: First of all I married Arressia. She truely is the love of my life. I have known her for 20 years now. And even during the years whem we didn't speak a single words with each other, she was always there in my mind. I want to make her the happy woman she deserves to be. And part of that is to help her spread her wings. She had the dream of working with horses, even got the schooling and professional taining for it. But she lacked the self confidence and vision, the trust into her own skills and abilities to start her own business. And that is where I was able to support her, to help her see, what big and strong wings she already had. For the past three years I am proud to have helped her build up her own business from scratch. And today she is even so far that she can reduce full days at her employee job to focus on her own business. Something she never thought would become possible. I am so proud and happy for her.

The second thing that happened: one year ago my company did another of those huge re-organizations. And suddenly I got stranded in a team with no spirit, all alone, as the rest of the team was in a town two hours away and with a field of work I did not only hate, but was simply boring to me. My personal mood got worse and worse over the past month. I abandoned friends, reduced social contacts to an unhealthy minimum and became some sort of hermit. And it showed in the quality of my work. In the end no one was happy. Not me and not my boss, who didn't know me well enough to know about my qualities (as he was 2hrs away).

And at that point in late September, I realized something: it hasn't been only Arressia profiting from me helping her to start her business. I, too, had grown in confidence and understanding, how you can plan and steer your life, if you really want to.

I hate changes. I really do. But I hate changes even more, when I am not in control over the changes that affect me. So I finally got up and took the rudder in my own hands again, steering my little boat's direction. I applied for a new position in my company. A huge step... not forward on the career ladder. But a huge sep into another direction. I want my field of work to be something, I love again.

I am not a big dannof huge goals and 5 year plans. Life changes every minute and I do't want to miss an opportunity by focusing too much on some personal master plan. But I can influence the direction. And it was about time to realize that. Watching and helping Arressia turning her dreams into reality I realized that I can change myself, too.

And I couldn't be more reliefed to leave this swamp I feel I got stuck in.