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Aggressive Insomnia
19 years ago
General
I'm still awake for a very inconvenient reason.
It seems my bed deflated under me. I've been sleeping on an air mattress for the past six months because it's cheaper than a real bed plus sheets plus washing expense. Well, I got what I paid for. Today, while I'm out, I'll drop another thirty bucks for another six months of restful nights. Otherwise, I'm feeling... well... I don't know if I want to go into how I'm feeling right now, because I can tell you right now it's already not pretty and getting uglier by the second. I hope I don't go fucking postal today. I really hope. I'm glad I didn't get around to buying that revolver.
So yes! The worst start you can EVER GET OFF TO in a day is to not have the previous day END. -_-;
Oh fuck it all. I'm going to start spilling my guts right now and I already know nobody's going to read this anyway... except for one person. I know you're looking right now, and I can't really hold it against you when you're this desperate to hear even a peep out of me.
I don't care how long or short ago it was but I just recently had one of my roommates start biting my head off for no goddamned fucking reason that makes ANY sense at all except to THEMSELF, excused with some hair-brained tract of obscure, pointless philosophy that they REFUSED to get off of simply because I said something tantamount to saying aquamarine when you intended to say cyan. I JUST bought a book that I REALLY wanted to read and that day I didn't wanna go out, I didn't wanna see the world or have an adventure, I just wanted to SIT AT HOME AND FUCKING READ, OKAY? But my roommate came to the door of my bedroom this fateful day and asked me if I DID want to go out and have an adventure. My response was "no thanks". The result? The spanish inquisition. I should've expected it of course e.e SO, i'm getting GRILLED. Eventually I'm just tired of it and put my foot down on "I don't want to do anything today!!"
So, a few hours later they come home and my roommate starts to ATTACK ME on AIM accusing me of being so depressed and unhealthily locked up like a hermit, and though it was claimed LATER that it was because they 'cared' about me, what happened next SURE AS FUCK DID NOT FEEL AT ALL LIKE THEY "CARED" for ANYTHING except to use me for fucking TARGET PRACTICE!
My first mistake was disagreeing, saying that I'm not depressed, saying that I WASN'T doing 'nothing' and wasting away, that I just wanted to sit down and READ. That I wanted to talk to my online friends because I NEVER got to see them, and that I wanted some time to myself since living with roommates means SUBSTANTIALLY less privacy--I spend most of my time locked up in my room as it is. My roommate backfired by telling me "YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT", telling me I've been ignoring them. I try again and again just to slip out of this and try to just get on with my fucking night because I had shit that I wanted to do, but they just wouldn't have it! THEY wanted a logical debate! FUCK!
So eventually I make the second mistake, asking, and I paraphrase, "Isn't it a little extreme to be taking potshots at someone who basically pays your RENT in exchange for one of your rooms?" ... So then I am subsequently told that I am excommunicated from their little 'family', that i'm no longer a friend, but a BOARDER. I came out and... my roommate is IGNORING me. Because, though I know it wasn't so after all, I could have SWORN they were JOKING. I haven't seen this person treat ANYBODY like that, not even GRIEFERS. It was so completely outlandish and baseless I thought both of my roommates were planning to jump out and yell SURPRISE!
but no. Eventually I crawl back into my little hole, sufficiently spooked... When the pizza I ordered for us to eat comes in, the roommate picking the fight with me Disowns it, REFUSES it on the basis that it was tainted by my influence, and throws it into my room with other shit they thought was mine, telling me to stay out of THEIR FRIDGE.
... I sound pissed now. I am pissed now. it STILL hurts, and the stupid fuck still doesn't think they did anything wrong even though they've calmed down--apparantly I'M THE ONE ON PROBATION HERE EVEN NOW... but let me tell you...
I was crying.
I was curled up in my room crying.
Thank god my other roommate started standing up for me... but i could hear them fighting in the living room and suddenly I felt like a little kid hiding under the stairs while his parents start shrieking at eachother and throwing shit around.
I was talking to spiderfox on the phone... he was my only anchor to sanity in all this. I'd never felt more completely alone in my life than when one of the two people I trusted enough to actually MOVE IN with suddenly decided I was subhuman...
Between the shrieks and crashing noises, I was whimpering about how frightened I was, how hopeless I felt... but Spiderfox was there... hanging on every word... I could swear I felt like he was hugging me through the phone. He reassured me... told me I should pack my bags and leave, because he didn't want me to be hurt like this again or, even worse, to risk perhaps even my health by rooming with someone who, according to his perspective, must've sounded like some kind of psychotic nutcase... he could hear everything through the phone. every last word they were hurling at eachother.
... I'm afraid I might fall in love with him... my instincts reel at it but, there is not a single person in existence that I trust more than Spider. ... I don't even know if he realizes how much he means to me. I have been entertaining, lately, the good fun of casually declaring various friends of mine to be gods.... but he really has saved me, more than once, more than twice, maybe even more than ten times. When everything else is shot to hell, Spider never once turned his back on me... always with open arms, he sat patiently and listened to whatever woes had leadened my heart, whenever they came... I would say i'd die for him, but death is easy when you don't feel like your life is worth much. No. I know that he'd actually miss me if I were gone. It is far more substantial for me to tell you that I'm living for him.
Please forgive me... I know it sounds awkward, that it's hard to wrap your mind around something so foreign and alien... The past few weeks, my emotions have been fucked around in so many more ways than I could've ever quantified before... not even I know how I feel about anything right now... It's a very confusing time for me and it's hard to not feel like I'm getting swept away in all this...
*sigh*
...moving on...
roughly 24 hours after one of my roommates decided to hate me, they turn around and decide to forgive me...
as if I wasn't the guy who took a six hundred mile, eighteen hour bus ride only to cough up almost half of everything I earn just so the both of them can keep a roof over their heads and food on their plates... Well... one of them gets it. the other doesn't.
Maybe it was forgotten.
... I have so many questions that I don't even want to know the answers to right now. I still don't regret moving, but I am beginning to regret being... who I am. Or more precisely, for not being who I looked like I was online. My personality has been shattered and reconstituted; there really isn't that much of a baseline for me to work from. That doesn't make it right... that just explains how it could be possible that I can appear to be one kind of person online yet another person entirely in person. I don't like this part of myself...
It's made me question the validity of being here, even if I'm glad I'm not in massachusetts anymore. The validity as in... they were expecing x to arrive and got a q. I was expecting to arrive in a house of e's, but ended up finding that my roommates are a j and a p or something. It's all jumbled up. ... do they regret me? I certainly feel like they do...
... Otherwise, the goings-on in my life are... RP and Work sprinkled lightly with Art, emotional, mental, physical, and fiscal discomfort, and the longing to return to SecondLife and Activeworlds to make good on the projects I abandoned there.
in RP, Shadow Haven is about to get stormed by the combined efforts of all that remains of the Imaginarium's old 'ass kicker' guilds... All the remains of the Blackwing family, the Darkarma family, the Bloodwing clan, and even some of the Dark Realm. Cyrus got blindsided with knowledge of impending disaster while he was out travling with the airship captain Morighanna, to show his son the blue sky outside the edges of the storm. I digress.
Cyrus has to make regal decisions now and it's killing him. He has to somehow get back to SH and either prevent the attack or fend it off. And this is an attack coming from the furthest extent you can get of 'power' without being an obvious twink. Usually that only means you're a less-than-obvious twink... but the opposition has a reputation to live up to. It's just... so much shit hitting the fan. So much shit.
I'm getting complaint from one of my oldest, most trustworthy members threatening to LEAVE if I OOCly authorize this entire thing, but how is it going to look if we turn down some of the biggest names in the realm's history...? It'll frag whatever little credibility we have left. Nobody will ever come to SH anymore. I'm feeling rather cornered. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
There seems to be ... an actually surprising number of people willing to stand up for Shadow Haven, but I'm afraid that under the crushing god-level might of the aggressor faction, it just won't be enough. My members are too honorable to take mortal hits and NOT die. Shadow Haven will cease existing without anybody left to live in it... even if I upload it and generate an alt to be present. So... We're up a creek without a paddle and when I'm not dreading how to deal with it (whilst making no progress on figuring OUT how to deal with it), I'm completely avoiding it. This just isn't healthy
:(
At my IRL job, They still expect me to HAVE my Department of Criminal Justice Services private security license, even though for not just me but practically EVERYBODY else, the paperwork keeps getting lost in the bureaucracy. They're going to have to take me off the schedule if I don't have that license very soon. But at least they have a plan on how to help me do it. I need to bring my ID number verification documents to the training center and get my picture re-taken so they can print it. Then it's the waiting game again. it just figures.
I wouldn't be surprised if they told me another piece of my paperwork 'expired' again... *sigh*
This is... so sad.
You see my art here... that's probably the one stable thing in my life (aside from Spider... x.x gods he'd be so spooked if he knew I were speaking of him like this... I feel bad already). I am still at least finding the ability to draw something every now and then, and the last two pictures I made really feel collectively, to me, like yet another milestone. "level up" you might say. I think I've finally found a level of consistency in myself: my art looks like storybook illustrations. That's who I am and what my pictures are. I could really get used to that...
but on Discomforts...
I have found that what goes around comes around. The girl I've been so attached to, chasing fruitlessly... I now know how creepy I must've been sounding. Bequeathing your love to someone who doesn't feel they're capable of reciprocating... It's ... not fun. But perhaps the worst part, at least for me, on EITHER end of a situation like that... is the loss of possibility. It closes a possible future off from happening. Yet... all it does is serve to make me feel disgusted with myself.
There's someone... that misses me a lot in massachusetts. Yes. I'm talking about you, I'm afraid. This someone... --you, possibly--once realized, and thus had me realize, that I was using them. Using someone is ... not a good feeling. I had one of my 'never again' moments back then... and I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to defeat possibly the one and only strongest defining facet of my personality. The 'never again'... it may be the the cause of my low self-esteem right now... but it's also the reason why I have friends that have esteem in me at all. ... believe it or not, once upon a time I was even more obnoxious than I am now... and it was that ... 'resolver' in myself that allowed me to change into who i am today. if i break that... that ... resolution... i may not be me anymore. I may not even be a person anymore. It's.. my foundation.
So I am torn over the fear of using someone unfairly. And though they have the legally exclusive right to look out for THEIR OWN protection, and to claim that it's none of my business to 'protect' them from myself... how can I assent to that when someone is hurt through my inaction and the blame eventually is destined to land on ME? ... I have more wound-licking to do.
January, oddly enough, is a great month for wanting to curl up in a hole and disappear...
I also have a few other friends on AIM (no, not you this time), who are talking to me nonstop yet, nothing is really said in these conversations and no real progress toward anything is made. then again, that's awfully cold to say... they just want company and conversation... yet i'm feeling so hunted... so harried lately from every direction, it just adds to the 'crawl in a hole' feeling
:(
Physically speaking, though, my discomfort comes from eating too much. spending too much on food, which is contributing to my fiscal discomfort. ... I'm not going into detail about these. I've vomited enough bile about the less-than-charming aspects of my experience. I'm ashamed... so i'm gonna stop for now...
It seems my bed deflated under me. I've been sleeping on an air mattress for the past six months because it's cheaper than a real bed plus sheets plus washing expense. Well, I got what I paid for. Today, while I'm out, I'll drop another thirty bucks for another six months of restful nights. Otherwise, I'm feeling... well... I don't know if I want to go into how I'm feeling right now, because I can tell you right now it's already not pretty and getting uglier by the second. I hope I don't go fucking postal today. I really hope. I'm glad I didn't get around to buying that revolver.
So yes! The worst start you can EVER GET OFF TO in a day is to not have the previous day END. -_-;
Oh fuck it all. I'm going to start spilling my guts right now and I already know nobody's going to read this anyway... except for one person. I know you're looking right now, and I can't really hold it against you when you're this desperate to hear even a peep out of me.
I don't care how long or short ago it was but I just recently had one of my roommates start biting my head off for no goddamned fucking reason that makes ANY sense at all except to THEMSELF, excused with some hair-brained tract of obscure, pointless philosophy that they REFUSED to get off of simply because I said something tantamount to saying aquamarine when you intended to say cyan. I JUST bought a book that I REALLY wanted to read and that day I didn't wanna go out, I didn't wanna see the world or have an adventure, I just wanted to SIT AT HOME AND FUCKING READ, OKAY? But my roommate came to the door of my bedroom this fateful day and asked me if I DID want to go out and have an adventure. My response was "no thanks". The result? The spanish inquisition. I should've expected it of course e.e SO, i'm getting GRILLED. Eventually I'm just tired of it and put my foot down on "I don't want to do anything today!!"
So, a few hours later they come home and my roommate starts to ATTACK ME on AIM accusing me of being so depressed and unhealthily locked up like a hermit, and though it was claimed LATER that it was because they 'cared' about me, what happened next SURE AS FUCK DID NOT FEEL AT ALL LIKE THEY "CARED" for ANYTHING except to use me for fucking TARGET PRACTICE!
My first mistake was disagreeing, saying that I'm not depressed, saying that I WASN'T doing 'nothing' and wasting away, that I just wanted to sit down and READ. That I wanted to talk to my online friends because I NEVER got to see them, and that I wanted some time to myself since living with roommates means SUBSTANTIALLY less privacy--I spend most of my time locked up in my room as it is. My roommate backfired by telling me "YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT", telling me I've been ignoring them. I try again and again just to slip out of this and try to just get on with my fucking night because I had shit that I wanted to do, but they just wouldn't have it! THEY wanted a logical debate! FUCK!
So eventually I make the second mistake, asking, and I paraphrase, "Isn't it a little extreme to be taking potshots at someone who basically pays your RENT in exchange for one of your rooms?" ... So then I am subsequently told that I am excommunicated from their little 'family', that i'm no longer a friend, but a BOARDER. I came out and... my roommate is IGNORING me. Because, though I know it wasn't so after all, I could have SWORN they were JOKING. I haven't seen this person treat ANYBODY like that, not even GRIEFERS. It was so completely outlandish and baseless I thought both of my roommates were planning to jump out and yell SURPRISE!
but no. Eventually I crawl back into my little hole, sufficiently spooked... When the pizza I ordered for us to eat comes in, the roommate picking the fight with me Disowns it, REFUSES it on the basis that it was tainted by my influence, and throws it into my room with other shit they thought was mine, telling me to stay out of THEIR FRIDGE.
... I sound pissed now. I am pissed now. it STILL hurts, and the stupid fuck still doesn't think they did anything wrong even though they've calmed down--apparantly I'M THE ONE ON PROBATION HERE EVEN NOW... but let me tell you...
I was crying.
I was curled up in my room crying.
Thank god my other roommate started standing up for me... but i could hear them fighting in the living room and suddenly I felt like a little kid hiding under the stairs while his parents start shrieking at eachother and throwing shit around.
I was talking to spiderfox on the phone... he was my only anchor to sanity in all this. I'd never felt more completely alone in my life than when one of the two people I trusted enough to actually MOVE IN with suddenly decided I was subhuman...
Between the shrieks and crashing noises, I was whimpering about how frightened I was, how hopeless I felt... but Spiderfox was there... hanging on every word... I could swear I felt like he was hugging me through the phone. He reassured me... told me I should pack my bags and leave, because he didn't want me to be hurt like this again or, even worse, to risk perhaps even my health by rooming with someone who, according to his perspective, must've sounded like some kind of psychotic nutcase... he could hear everything through the phone. every last word they were hurling at eachother.
... I'm afraid I might fall in love with him... my instincts reel at it but, there is not a single person in existence that I trust more than Spider. ... I don't even know if he realizes how much he means to me. I have been entertaining, lately, the good fun of casually declaring various friends of mine to be gods.... but he really has saved me, more than once, more than twice, maybe even more than ten times. When everything else is shot to hell, Spider never once turned his back on me... always with open arms, he sat patiently and listened to whatever woes had leadened my heart, whenever they came... I would say i'd die for him, but death is easy when you don't feel like your life is worth much. No. I know that he'd actually miss me if I were gone. It is far more substantial for me to tell you that I'm living for him.
Please forgive me... I know it sounds awkward, that it's hard to wrap your mind around something so foreign and alien... The past few weeks, my emotions have been fucked around in so many more ways than I could've ever quantified before... not even I know how I feel about anything right now... It's a very confusing time for me and it's hard to not feel like I'm getting swept away in all this...
*sigh*
...moving on...
roughly 24 hours after one of my roommates decided to hate me, they turn around and decide to forgive me...
as if I wasn't the guy who took a six hundred mile, eighteen hour bus ride only to cough up almost half of everything I earn just so the both of them can keep a roof over their heads and food on their plates... Well... one of them gets it. the other doesn't.
Maybe it was forgotten.
... I have so many questions that I don't even want to know the answers to right now. I still don't regret moving, but I am beginning to regret being... who I am. Or more precisely, for not being who I looked like I was online. My personality has been shattered and reconstituted; there really isn't that much of a baseline for me to work from. That doesn't make it right... that just explains how it could be possible that I can appear to be one kind of person online yet another person entirely in person. I don't like this part of myself...
It's made me question the validity of being here, even if I'm glad I'm not in massachusetts anymore. The validity as in... they were expecing x to arrive and got a q. I was expecting to arrive in a house of e's, but ended up finding that my roommates are a j and a p or something. It's all jumbled up. ... do they regret me? I certainly feel like they do...
... Otherwise, the goings-on in my life are... RP and Work sprinkled lightly with Art, emotional, mental, physical, and fiscal discomfort, and the longing to return to SecondLife and Activeworlds to make good on the projects I abandoned there.
in RP, Shadow Haven is about to get stormed by the combined efforts of all that remains of the Imaginarium's old 'ass kicker' guilds... All the remains of the Blackwing family, the Darkarma family, the Bloodwing clan, and even some of the Dark Realm. Cyrus got blindsided with knowledge of impending disaster while he was out travling with the airship captain Morighanna, to show his son the blue sky outside the edges of the storm. I digress.
Cyrus has to make regal decisions now and it's killing him. He has to somehow get back to SH and either prevent the attack or fend it off. And this is an attack coming from the furthest extent you can get of 'power' without being an obvious twink. Usually that only means you're a less-than-obvious twink... but the opposition has a reputation to live up to. It's just... so much shit hitting the fan. So much shit.
I'm getting complaint from one of my oldest, most trustworthy members threatening to LEAVE if I OOCly authorize this entire thing, but how is it going to look if we turn down some of the biggest names in the realm's history...? It'll frag whatever little credibility we have left. Nobody will ever come to SH anymore. I'm feeling rather cornered. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
There seems to be ... an actually surprising number of people willing to stand up for Shadow Haven, but I'm afraid that under the crushing god-level might of the aggressor faction, it just won't be enough. My members are too honorable to take mortal hits and NOT die. Shadow Haven will cease existing without anybody left to live in it... even if I upload it and generate an alt to be present. So... We're up a creek without a paddle and when I'm not dreading how to deal with it (whilst making no progress on figuring OUT how to deal with it), I'm completely avoiding it. This just isn't healthy
:(
At my IRL job, They still expect me to HAVE my Department of Criminal Justice Services private security license, even though for not just me but practically EVERYBODY else, the paperwork keeps getting lost in the bureaucracy. They're going to have to take me off the schedule if I don't have that license very soon. But at least they have a plan on how to help me do it. I need to bring my ID number verification documents to the training center and get my picture re-taken so they can print it. Then it's the waiting game again. it just figures.
I wouldn't be surprised if they told me another piece of my paperwork 'expired' again... *sigh*
This is... so sad.
You see my art here... that's probably the one stable thing in my life (aside from Spider... x.x gods he'd be so spooked if he knew I were speaking of him like this... I feel bad already). I am still at least finding the ability to draw something every now and then, and the last two pictures I made really feel collectively, to me, like yet another milestone. "level up" you might say. I think I've finally found a level of consistency in myself: my art looks like storybook illustrations. That's who I am and what my pictures are. I could really get used to that...
but on Discomforts...
I have found that what goes around comes around. The girl I've been so attached to, chasing fruitlessly... I now know how creepy I must've been sounding. Bequeathing your love to someone who doesn't feel they're capable of reciprocating... It's ... not fun. But perhaps the worst part, at least for me, on EITHER end of a situation like that... is the loss of possibility. It closes a possible future off from happening. Yet... all it does is serve to make me feel disgusted with myself.
There's someone... that misses me a lot in massachusetts. Yes. I'm talking about you, I'm afraid. This someone... --you, possibly--once realized, and thus had me realize, that I was using them. Using someone is ... not a good feeling. I had one of my 'never again' moments back then... and I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to defeat possibly the one and only strongest defining facet of my personality. The 'never again'... it may be the the cause of my low self-esteem right now... but it's also the reason why I have friends that have esteem in me at all. ... believe it or not, once upon a time I was even more obnoxious than I am now... and it was that ... 'resolver' in myself that allowed me to change into who i am today. if i break that... that ... resolution... i may not be me anymore. I may not even be a person anymore. It's.. my foundation.
So I am torn over the fear of using someone unfairly. And though they have the legally exclusive right to look out for THEIR OWN protection, and to claim that it's none of my business to 'protect' them from myself... how can I assent to that when someone is hurt through my inaction and the blame eventually is destined to land on ME? ... I have more wound-licking to do.
January, oddly enough, is a great month for wanting to curl up in a hole and disappear...
I also have a few other friends on AIM (no, not you this time), who are talking to me nonstop yet, nothing is really said in these conversations and no real progress toward anything is made. then again, that's awfully cold to say... they just want company and conversation... yet i'm feeling so hunted... so harried lately from every direction, it just adds to the 'crawl in a hole' feeling
:(
Physically speaking, though, my discomfort comes from eating too much. spending too much on food, which is contributing to my fiscal discomfort. ... I'm not going into detail about these. I've vomited enough bile about the less-than-charming aspects of my experience. I'm ashamed... so i'm gonna stop for now...
aobeznez
~aobeznez
-lightly pokes his nose, then hugs- Yep. Been meaning to call you damnit.
