Today is December 24, 2015. It's been two years to this day that Niti passed away. It's so hard, and it makes me really sad. And it's going to be tough putting up a facade in order to keep people at our gigantic annual Christmas Eve party from knowing just how tormented I am. It's just so taxing on my mind. I have difficulty expressing the pain. Earlier I spent a good 10 minutes or so crying in the privacy of my room after I couldn't mask it from my family much longer. I didn't want to bring them down. I could have probably cried longer, but I had to get myself to stop. My nose was completely plugged from what the crying was doing to my sinuses, and I couldn't breathe.

Christmas Eve used to be the most festive day of the year for me. I got a couple presents early and I would spend lots of time having a blast at our annual party. But since 2013 it's been torturous... and I almost wish that we didn't have to have the party so I couldn't risk breaking down in front of people who don't know about my troubles. I just... I wish I had something like a Niti doll... or a fresh picture of Niti to gaze upon... something that would bring me comfort in this dark time for me. It drives me crazy.