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It's 2016! A new year! Still a grumpy sod
9 years ago
Christmas 2015 was big for me because I finally said goodbye to my old Samsung phone as my boyfriend had gone out & bought me a windows phone! New years has come around & I realised I can do things that I couldn't on my old phone so I started having a play. The more I played, the angrier I got!
1: Changing a ringtone
I fancied going back to my previous ring tones that I had on my old phone (League of Gentlemen theme for calls, stephen the lesbian for messages) & I thought it would be a straightforward operation, find the tracks, go into the little menu & tap the "set as..." option, like you do with an old phone. I however found that this operation was in fact impossible. I had to go on Google to find out what to do & it said I had to install software on my computer to convert the music before I can put it back in the phone & use it as a tone. I'm not fucking doing that! Shove that up your arse!
2: Vining
I have been interested in the idea of vining for a while & thought it would be good fun. The tutorial seemed simple enough. "Hold your finger on the screen to record, take it off to pause then put your finger back on the screen to continue recording". I however found that Vining is more complicated than I thought. I held it down on the screen, it recorded. I took it off to pause then put it back on to continue... only, it wouldn't. I was already feeling rather annoyed & thought "Okay, why not try doing it in one shot". It seemed to work & I ended up with a vine that was far less than I wanted but a vine none the less. I wanted to save it, at this moment, the app fucked off & brought me back to my phone's home screen.
I took a breath & summarised the situation
I thought viners were all simpletons because almost all of the generic, less than average intelligence people do it. I now believe they are secret geniuses who rather than engineering spacecraft & intelligent water filtration systems for third-world countries, spend all their time making six second videos for cheap laughs.
It was at this moment that I decided that I shouldn't enter the world of vining because I do not have the doctorate in applied bollocks that I need to work the fucking thing.
3: Omegle
I had a wee shot on Omegle before my webcam broke & rather enjoyed myself doing it. Talking to Americans who thought I was in a Harry Potter film & making (pretend) heterophobic rants at every bloke on screen. Even skipping every penis shot with the following statement "Fucking fanny bandits, you disgust me hetero scum!".
Now I have a phone with a camera on the front, I thought it might me worth seeing if there was an app. There Was! I gleefully downloaded it & fired it up. A couple of ads came up but I didn't mind. I was surprised to see a blank screen. I thought, "this isn't right" & tried to get to the main menu. Unfortunately, the button which had that power was covered over with an ad. I tried scrolling past it but it was at the very bottom of the page. I then thought "fuck this shit, i can't be bothered".
Three strikes, I'm out! I'm fucking done with technology. I'm going to pack my things, camp out in the forest & get as far away from this bullshit as possible. I'm not done yet though, oh no. Far from it, while I'm at it. Here are my thoughts on Vaping.
So back in November, I was in financial Dire straits & couldn't afford my usual £7 bag of tobacco so my dad paid £30 for me to have a Vapouriser. At first I rather enjoyed the convenience of having my nicotine fix indoors but then, my blood started to run cold.
1: How long do I go?
I was out with my dad & his Girlfriend's family & I fancied a vape. We were out at a restaurant that didn't allow vaping in the dining area so I had to go outside. I started puffing & thought "Hold on a minute, how much have I had? When do I stop?". As I'm sure people are aware, when you smoke a cigarette (or a fag as us Brits call them), they get smaller the longer you smoke them & you know when to finish because you're about to start smoking the filter. A vapouriser doesn't get smaller & the oil is supposed to last a few days per fill. This isn't good as when I'm at work, when I'm on the fags I smoke at 10AM, 1230PM & 3PM as those are allocated breaks but whilst on the Vapouriser I can smoke whenever I want for as long as I want which is neither good for me or my professional image.
2: I miss the inconveniences
I realised this one night when I was puffing away at the computer that thanks to the vapouriser, I no longer go outside for a smoke which means I never hear the owls or watch the stars, I just sit inside & vape continuously until I go to bed. Even when I'm in the car it's affected me as I can now get my nicotine fix without opening the window, which although sounds great as I'm not getting ash on my parcel shelf, means that I no longer have an excuse to open the window & take in the air.
3: I miss the paraphernalia
Before the vapouriser, I made rollups which meant I had a tub for storing tobacco at home, a small tin so I could take out a ration of tobacco to last the day, another tin to make my cigarettes, a police possessions plastic bag (from when I was pulled over two years ago, explanations later) full of filter tips & my Zippo that was gifted to me by My dad's last girlfriend who committed suicide in July. With a vapouriser I have the thing itself, a tank, a USB charger & a bottle of oil. There's no fiddle before I have a smoke which really depresses me, it's like when you use an old Typewriter compared to a computer keyboard. You're more involved & it feels great making something before having the satisfying reward of smoking it. I also miss lighting my fags with my zippo. I miss the distinctive metallic clicking as you close & open the lid. A vapouriser only has a button which lights up to show how much battery you have
4: Fags are sturdier
My vapouriser is only a couple of months old & already, the glass tank is sealed with tape because the bastard thing cracked & leaks all of its oil (that is fatal if consumed might I add) on my fingers & in my pocket. Cigarettes don't leak & there's less risk of consuming the tobacco inside.
So aye, my first rant of 2016. I am hating technology, I'm getting angry again & I'm trying my best to remain in my comfort zone where things work when you want them to & are simple & enjoyable to use
1: Changing a ringtone
I fancied going back to my previous ring tones that I had on my old phone (League of Gentlemen theme for calls, stephen the lesbian for messages) & I thought it would be a straightforward operation, find the tracks, go into the little menu & tap the "set as..." option, like you do with an old phone. I however found that this operation was in fact impossible. I had to go on Google to find out what to do & it said I had to install software on my computer to convert the music before I can put it back in the phone & use it as a tone. I'm not fucking doing that! Shove that up your arse!
2: Vining
I have been interested in the idea of vining for a while & thought it would be good fun. The tutorial seemed simple enough. "Hold your finger on the screen to record, take it off to pause then put your finger back on the screen to continue recording". I however found that Vining is more complicated than I thought. I held it down on the screen, it recorded. I took it off to pause then put it back on to continue... only, it wouldn't. I was already feeling rather annoyed & thought "Okay, why not try doing it in one shot". It seemed to work & I ended up with a vine that was far less than I wanted but a vine none the less. I wanted to save it, at this moment, the app fucked off & brought me back to my phone's home screen.
I took a breath & summarised the situation
I thought viners were all simpletons because almost all of the generic, less than average intelligence people do it. I now believe they are secret geniuses who rather than engineering spacecraft & intelligent water filtration systems for third-world countries, spend all their time making six second videos for cheap laughs.
It was at this moment that I decided that I shouldn't enter the world of vining because I do not have the doctorate in applied bollocks that I need to work the fucking thing.
3: Omegle
I had a wee shot on Omegle before my webcam broke & rather enjoyed myself doing it. Talking to Americans who thought I was in a Harry Potter film & making (pretend) heterophobic rants at every bloke on screen. Even skipping every penis shot with the following statement "Fucking fanny bandits, you disgust me hetero scum!".
Now I have a phone with a camera on the front, I thought it might me worth seeing if there was an app. There Was! I gleefully downloaded it & fired it up. A couple of ads came up but I didn't mind. I was surprised to see a blank screen. I thought, "this isn't right" & tried to get to the main menu. Unfortunately, the button which had that power was covered over with an ad. I tried scrolling past it but it was at the very bottom of the page. I then thought "fuck this shit, i can't be bothered".
Three strikes, I'm out! I'm fucking done with technology. I'm going to pack my things, camp out in the forest & get as far away from this bullshit as possible. I'm not done yet though, oh no. Far from it, while I'm at it. Here are my thoughts on Vaping.
So back in November, I was in financial Dire straits & couldn't afford my usual £7 bag of tobacco so my dad paid £30 for me to have a Vapouriser. At first I rather enjoyed the convenience of having my nicotine fix indoors but then, my blood started to run cold.
1: How long do I go?
I was out with my dad & his Girlfriend's family & I fancied a vape. We were out at a restaurant that didn't allow vaping in the dining area so I had to go outside. I started puffing & thought "Hold on a minute, how much have I had? When do I stop?". As I'm sure people are aware, when you smoke a cigarette (or a fag as us Brits call them), they get smaller the longer you smoke them & you know when to finish because you're about to start smoking the filter. A vapouriser doesn't get smaller & the oil is supposed to last a few days per fill. This isn't good as when I'm at work, when I'm on the fags I smoke at 10AM, 1230PM & 3PM as those are allocated breaks but whilst on the Vapouriser I can smoke whenever I want for as long as I want which is neither good for me or my professional image.
2: I miss the inconveniences
I realised this one night when I was puffing away at the computer that thanks to the vapouriser, I no longer go outside for a smoke which means I never hear the owls or watch the stars, I just sit inside & vape continuously until I go to bed. Even when I'm in the car it's affected me as I can now get my nicotine fix without opening the window, which although sounds great as I'm not getting ash on my parcel shelf, means that I no longer have an excuse to open the window & take in the air.
3: I miss the paraphernalia
Before the vapouriser, I made rollups which meant I had a tub for storing tobacco at home, a small tin so I could take out a ration of tobacco to last the day, another tin to make my cigarettes, a police possessions plastic bag (from when I was pulled over two years ago, explanations later) full of filter tips & my Zippo that was gifted to me by My dad's last girlfriend who committed suicide in July. With a vapouriser I have the thing itself, a tank, a USB charger & a bottle of oil. There's no fiddle before I have a smoke which really depresses me, it's like when you use an old Typewriter compared to a computer keyboard. You're more involved & it feels great making something before having the satisfying reward of smoking it. I also miss lighting my fags with my zippo. I miss the distinctive metallic clicking as you close & open the lid. A vapouriser only has a button which lights up to show how much battery you have
4: Fags are sturdier
My vapouriser is only a couple of months old & already, the glass tank is sealed with tape because the bastard thing cracked & leaks all of its oil (that is fatal if consumed might I add) on my fingers & in my pocket. Cigarettes don't leak & there's less risk of consuming the tobacco inside.
So aye, my first rant of 2016. I am hating technology, I'm getting angry again & I'm trying my best to remain in my comfort zone where things work when you want them to & are simple & enjoyable to use
