I think somewhere in the world who doesn't understand how my life used to be is saying I have no right to cry my eyes because I'm no the only one who lost someone close to them. It sounds dumb and confusing but it's just how I feel right now.

One minute I'm okay, and the next I'm remembering her face and voice and the tears start again. I still have her last text on my phone where she wanted a sausage pizza from Pizza Hut...and I remember thinking "I ain't gettin' her shit" because she always WANTED something. She wanted cigarettes or toilet paper from the store that was RIGHT DOWN THE STREET. I could understand if it was raining or 30 below cold outside, but most of the time she got me was during a nice day or when I'm just getting off work...

...if I knew how bad off she was, I'd frikkin' pick her up even if I got beat up by the most unruliest resident at my job. I feel like the most awful person in the world. Whatever punishment in store in my future I truly deserve.

I also bring my job into this and been thinking I should've quit earlier and maybe take a chance with my writing or amateur game making and use that money to get my sister the care she needed. I feel like if I do make it in writing and/or game-making, I'd be like 'what's the point now?'

Yeah, I'm all kinds of messed up right now and I still be that even after my sister's funeral or when and if realization hits me...I don't want to believe our family is short one sister...