please. im at that point where i need to beg ok. none of my job opportunities are panning out, nothing professional that i've encountered wants my art, and im starting to feel like the best thing i can do for my work as an artist is just die, bc then at least people will look at it and purchase it out of sympathy. i had to take money out of my savings to pay a $15 copay for my doctors appointment today. i have a friend visiting this weekend and no money to buy food or drink or take him to anything special. i cant even afford a new pack of cigarettes to deal with the fucking stress.

please just commission me, or boost me so others can do so.
im sorry to be so negative in this journal bc that's not who i want to present to the world but i just don't have any positivity left. my anxiety levels are through the roof, my self-deprecation levels are getting there, and i can't think about literally anything besides how much of a failure my art career has been so far and how seemingly undesirable--even to retweet or reblog or share with anyone--my work is. im starting to think that everything i've built up to in life, picking up a pencil at a very young age and just not putting it down for a few decades, is all for nothing and that no matter how hard i work i will have nothing to show for it.

i just want to work. i just want to not be evicted, not be malnourished (i weigh like 20lbs less than last time i checked), and not be constantly beating myself up and dealing with headaches and nausea and shakes and sleepless nights because im so stressed about being able to afford my (fairly cheap) rent.

i dont want to lose faith in myself. but i only have so much faith left in the tank, and i think i've hit fumes. i dont want this to be the year the stress gets the best of me and either kills me via some sort of aneurysm or something or just by pushing me past the point where i can take it.

i dont know how im going to survive, and i hate myself for it.