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Thoughts
10 years ago
General
be aware these are personal thoughts, this is here to give you an insight into important things in my life, don't be mean.
I find myself in the odd position of being on a train to London to visit my grandfather (mothers side) who is in hospital and in all likelihood will be dead within a week, apparently he is still aware and himself when he is awake, I have no idea what to say to him or anyone else, or even why I'm going... I have known him as an old man since before I can remember, he taught me some gardening and metal work but I did not interact with him all that much, I have fond memories of picking fruit with him as a child but very little after that, he was always around and pleasant he lived next door for most of my life but was never in the fore front of my life.
Now I think about it my only recent memories of him are going to have tea and biscuits, and it was very rarely my grandfather who spoke, the last time was over 10 years ago and I don't even like tea or sweet things....
So why have I spent over £80 on a train ticket to go and visit a dieing man that I barely know?
Truth be told I'm not sure,mostly I think it is because I want to be a good person, this is expected of me by various relatives that I know rather better, my presence even if I can't give any real help will make them feel better especially my grandmother, and it may also help my grandfather go in peace.
I have odd views on death, and life, life itself has no value, happiness has value, at the point he is at now he will have very little happiness and a lot of pain and unhappiness, life is not worth living if it is likely the bad will outweigh the good for the remainder of it. So my hope is that my visit will bring him happiness and also give him permission to let go of life so his suffering is not prolonged
Now I think about it my only recent memories of him are going to have tea and biscuits, and it was very rarely my grandfather who spoke, the last time was over 10 years ago and I don't even like tea or sweet things....
So why have I spent over £80 on a train ticket to go and visit a dieing man that I barely know?
Truth be told I'm not sure,mostly I think it is because I want to be a good person, this is expected of me by various relatives that I know rather better, my presence even if I can't give any real help will make them feel better especially my grandmother, and it may also help my grandfather go in peace.
I have odd views on death, and life, life itself has no value, happiness has value, at the point he is at now he will have very little happiness and a lot of pain and unhappiness, life is not worth living if it is likely the bad will outweigh the good for the remainder of it. So my hope is that my visit will bring him happiness and also give him permission to let go of life so his suffering is not prolonged
The only thing I found hard to deal with was seeing how upset other people where, my grandfather is asleep almost all the time as he is on strong meds, he is not in pain, and he won't feel anything when he is dead, it's the other people that are upset and suffering.
He has had a good life, he is over 90, and yes I will miss him but life goes on, I will not stop enjoying my life because his is over, and I do not understand why others can't do the same, if everyone could do this then there would no longer be the fear and worry about death, it would simply be something that happens and most people would be happier as a result.