FA+
Shop
Dead Idols and Rethinking Priorities
10 years ago
General
Argh...I am on the horns of a moral dilemma and I'm not sure what to do.
For years, I've resisted the urge to do loli/cub artwork again, out of fear of the everpresent witchhunting online, for fear of attempting to do more mainstream work and have some troll or someone digging for dirt pop up and throw my stuff out for public consumption...same token, I ALREADY HAVE loli artwork out there, but the distance of time has allowed me the illusion of being able to say "That was in the past."
And I haven't been able to draw shit in the interim. Choking off this part of myself seems to have choked off ALL of my creative impulses. I was...well, I won't say "content" but I was so used to this blockage after all this time, having gotten used to doing nothing and letting my creativity wither and die.
But it hasn't died.
A couple of days ago, I learned that Damn Evil Dog, one of my absolute favorite artists and one of the absolute BEST at drawing Maisy, passed away on Thursday. I suppose it's the same old story, I'd always meant to get to know him better, always MEANT to commission him again, always thought I'd have another day...until I didn't. Until I couldn't.
He was younger than me. Hell, I'd estimate he was almost half, maybe two-thirds my age.
And he's gone.
And I looked at Zone, of Zone-Archives, a guy (girl? Still got no idea) who got their start and is still known for Teen Titans porn, and now they're doing video games and they're friends with the Game Grumps and Bennett the Sage, a guy who once went on a rant about anime sexualizing teenagers, who also co-writes and provides voices for Zone's preview "newscaster" bits.
And I'm so confused.
I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to see my art and my writing and be happy, and I don't want to be remembered as some kinda pedo-pervert who draws underage monstergirls...but it's a part of me, a strong enough part of me that denying it kills EVERYTHING in me. It's a part of me I'm TIRED of denying, because I know it's just fantasy and at least two professional therapists I've talked to have told me to do it because it IS just fantasy and a way to come to grips with the horrific abuse I suffered as a child, and then I see stuff like the "Steven Universe" fanartgate where FANS OF THE SHOW dredged up old "Ed, Edd, and Eddy" porn THE SHOW'S CREATOR once made and called her a pedophile for it...
And I don't know what to do.
I know asking for advice HERE, of all places, will probably net me very, very biased opinions, but I'm not sure if I should post this to my other galleries or my Tumblr.
What should I do?
For years, I've resisted the urge to do loli/cub artwork again, out of fear of the everpresent witchhunting online, for fear of attempting to do more mainstream work and have some troll or someone digging for dirt pop up and throw my stuff out for public consumption...same token, I ALREADY HAVE loli artwork out there, but the distance of time has allowed me the illusion of being able to say "That was in the past."
And I haven't been able to draw shit in the interim. Choking off this part of myself seems to have choked off ALL of my creative impulses. I was...well, I won't say "content" but I was so used to this blockage after all this time, having gotten used to doing nothing and letting my creativity wither and die.
But it hasn't died.
A couple of days ago, I learned that Damn Evil Dog, one of my absolute favorite artists and one of the absolute BEST at drawing Maisy, passed away on Thursday. I suppose it's the same old story, I'd always meant to get to know him better, always MEANT to commission him again, always thought I'd have another day...until I didn't. Until I couldn't.
He was younger than me. Hell, I'd estimate he was almost half, maybe two-thirds my age.
And he's gone.
And I looked at Zone, of Zone-Archives, a guy (girl? Still got no idea) who got their start and is still known for Teen Titans porn, and now they're doing video games and they're friends with the Game Grumps and Bennett the Sage, a guy who once went on a rant about anime sexualizing teenagers, who also co-writes and provides voices for Zone's preview "newscaster" bits.
And I'm so confused.
I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to see my art and my writing and be happy, and I don't want to be remembered as some kinda pedo-pervert who draws underage monstergirls...but it's a part of me, a strong enough part of me that denying it kills EVERYTHING in me. It's a part of me I'm TIRED of denying, because I know it's just fantasy and at least two professional therapists I've talked to have told me to do it because it IS just fantasy and a way to come to grips with the horrific abuse I suffered as a child, and then I see stuff like the "Steven Universe" fanartgate where FANS OF THE SHOW dredged up old "Ed, Edd, and Eddy" porn THE SHOW'S CREATOR once made and called her a pedophile for it...
And I don't know what to do.
I know asking for advice HERE, of all places, will probably net me very, very biased opinions, but I'm not sure if I should post this to my other galleries or my Tumblr.
What should I do?
Firstly I want to say my condolences, looking a friend and artiest is really devastating, by the way I think the artiest zone is a guy but uses a female avatar of sorts for his animations.
I have a gallery many people don't want to look at, and not everyone likes my Ideas but I'm also the type where if someone says something to me directly on the internet I just block them and move on.
The internet can be a very tricky place to navigate, everyone has a voice and people looking to start shit or cause drama can do it with relative ease, all you need to do is type out a reply click a few buttons and boom sit back relax and watch the drama unfold.
I have seen other artiest's go through the same thing you are, hell Bleedman from DA I think once falsely admitted he was drawing kiddy porn because border services saw his drawings as he was traveling and questioned him about it, because it was his art style, I had pictures on my gallery spark controversy due to their content and how some people draw my characters or themselves.
When it comes to the Lolita, Shota and Cub things, many sites outright ban it all because they don't want the debate of weather or not it's really child porn or artistic creativity, many sites would rather ban it because they don't know how to monitor it, FA at LEAST has admins where if someone does complain about your gallery content they will at least look at it and inform you of their decision and allow you to dispute your case where ad Deviantart would erase it and tell you not to re-upload.
My advice to you would be, to just do it.
If it makes you feel better and you have all this creativity then just draw it and post it and fuck anyone who tries to start shit with you, they are not worth your time or energy, most people will bitch moan and complain about someones gallery content for the sake of bitching or causing trouble, you should embrace ALL parts of yourself the good the bad and the ugly, and own it.
too many people try too hard to change or eliminate aspects of themselves and often their own well being and mental health falters because of it, because of that internal struggle to break away of what they did and who they were to become something they are not.
posting things here is not a bad idea, at least most members of FA are more friendly than people on Tumblr, Deviantart or 4chan....
Meanwhile, no one on Tumblr has even batted an eyelid over her. It's weird.
Maisy seems to be in a strange kinda no-mans land as far as most sites are concerned: her default appearance is too young-looking for FA and dA (although Dragoneer hasn't nailed me for any of the older artwork of her here), she's too human-looking for Inkbunny, and she's too sketchy for Pixiv. I've tried to convert her to an all-ages superhero character, but Maisy without the sexy is like a Tarantino film without violence and swearing...it feels empty, somehow, like someone pretending to be her.
I know I've had pics of characters people went ape shit over on DA but no one cares on FA XD
Tumbler i had people lose their minds on me when i shared something xD
While it's certainly a good idea to keep your real name out of this stuff (just because you shouldn't be ashamed of your fantasies doesn't mean you'd want a potential employer to find them when googling you ), if they make you happy, you should embrace them.
But ultimately, you gotta do you, and your long-time fans will respect you either way.
The fact that you accept this need as a fantasy is really a big step forward, because you're acknowledging a part of yourself as being there, rather than trying to pretend its not there, which only gives it more fuel to grow out of control. Admittedly, I also understand that what you draw does walk a very thin line, but if as you say its a crucial bit of yourself, then you shouldn't stop.
Just do what you've always done, don't even post it if you don't feel comfortable about how others will react, but you must at the very least take the time to discover your inner self.
Acknowledging one's flaws, especially ones as reviled and socially damaging as this, isn't easy.