So it's been... months... regretfully. Please don't mistake the somber tone for a farewell, but rather a sincere apology. I know there's nothing I can say, no excuse I can make to make my absence okay. There are a lot of friends I haven't talked to in a long time, a lot of people I owe artwork, some, paying customers. There is no excuse... I understand that. But I wanted to offer at least some form of explanation as to why I haven't been around, why I haven't finished the artwork. I hope that everyone can be understanding, even if the reasoning is rather stupid.

This is going to get a little personal, but maybe it's time to let everyone know why.

When I entered college at UTA for Mechanical Engineering, I was excited for prospects to come. Unfortunately it quickly took a nose dive... I had fun when I was with friends, Skyy, Veskar, and all of my Dallas buddies. But school, and being away from home and my fiancé did not treat me very well. If I could have bought my own alcohol I would have definitely been a drunk.. and I hate to admit that I did consider suicide. But that's stupid... of course, killing yourself wont solve anything. But everything seemed so hard to deal with, letting my parents down, constantly fighting, dangerous behavior... it was too much. After a year at that school I dropped out and went back home, and I decided to follow a degree in Fine Art.

It would honestly be a lie to tell everyone that I've been incredibly busy, because that's not true... so I'm sorry to everyone I've told that to. By the time I had started community college I was already so behind on my artwork from the depression of UTA I started kind of freaking out. And I guess the way I am, whenever something stresses me out too much I shut down and try to avoid it. I've been trying to get better, because as most people should know, that shit doesn't fly in a relationship. I am NOT lying, though, when I say that I think about everyone here and all the artwork I need to do every day. It haunts me every single day, the guilt of running from it for so long, the promises that remain to be seen... and I just ran away from it again and again because it hurt too much. Maybe I'm pressuring myself too much, but I only do it because I know I need to get my shit together, because people count on me, because I have friends here.

Part of the absence has also been due to changing views and my relationship. It's been a long time since I considered myself a furry, because I honestly don't any more. Trayton doesn't so much represent me as much as my "mascot" now. I'm probably more boring now, too. My fiancé has admittedly also pushed me away from some of my friends due to the way they've unknowingly treated him. Yeah, some of my friends can be abrasive... and I still love them either way, but I have to stand by my future husband, and when he feels disrespected... there's not a whole lot I can do to argue about it. Don't get me wrong, he tried, but he can be butt hurt at times, but I still love him. I'm sure the certain individual(s) will know who they are, and I would like to specifically apologize to them, when I needed a friend they were always there, and I'm so sorry for pushing you away.

Anyway, classes have been going good, I just got my associates last semester and will hopefully be following a bachelors soon... or just go learn special FX make-up and animatronics on my own. I still feel bad about making my fiancé give up his dreams so I could follow mine, but that's for another time.... So this semester I'm taking all studio classes, Sculpture, Painting, and Ceramics. If people express interest in my school work, I would gladly share. Karate has also become a large time commitment, I have class for 2 hours every night of the work week. I will be going for black belt candidacy in April, hopefully along side my fiancé (he's working really hard to catch up to brown belt). Damn money has been tight, and I'll admit an area of embarrassment for me.. yeah I still live with my parents (as does my fiancé). I don't work, and yeah.. I have like $5 in my wallet right now and nothing in the bank, soo..... not a whole lot of new art supplies finding their way into my room. (And that's also a cause for a little depression).

To those whom I owe large pieces, I want to do something better than originally agreed to hopefully apologize somewhat for the months (if not years) of waiting. I seriously can't apologize enough, and I understand if there are harsh feelings. I don't need a feel good parade of comments, really... if you're mad, please don't be afraid to express that, I completely understand. I hate being unreliable, and I hate being this kind of person... I'm better than that.