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Personality change?
10 years ago
This journal is a little personal, though it's not whiny or anything. Just me kinda overthinking my current attitude.
I just don't understand myself recently.
I feel like I've been way too..aggressive? Grumpy? I don't fucking know. Frustrated is probably the best term for it.
There's always something for me to complain about. On one hand I've always kinda been that way.
On the other one, maybe it's been worse with that in the last couple of months because I just needed to distract myself in some way, by being pissed about all the teeny tiny problems.
I guess one could say I'm not happy with this whole situation.
My PC won't work at the moment, my tablet wouldn't work the last couple of weeks before my PC went down and I gotta move out of my beloved apartment this year as it seems. Also there's just so much shit going on in real life which I just can't understand. And when I'm not able to understand something to its fullest, it's making me feel very uneasy inside.
So I end up acting like "Don't fucking talk to me, I'm distressed.", which is the reason why I always look into things "way too deeply", because I just want to understand them 100% so there are no surprises.
I just happen to hate the unpredictable.
Yet at the same time, I feel really ashamed about everything. I feel like I'd have to stand next to every person I know, constantly going "I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me."
No matter what I write (in a chat) recently, right after sending it it makes me think
"That's actually not really the way I'd like to put this into word." or "I want to make a different impression."
Am I growing up? This is not the way I experienced it over the last years.
My personality hasn't changed much ever since 2013. In fact, I'd even say I was more mature in late 2013 or 2014 than I have been last year.
At the moment, I just can't help but see myself as kid that keeps throwing tantrums about irrevelant shit, first world problems only to show that it needs a good fucking ass whoopin'.
All I can say is that I feel very two-faced right now and I just don't know how to judge myself.
If I ever happen to write a weird, childisch journal like the last one again, please don't take it that seriously.
I just don't understand myself recently.
I feel like I've been way too..aggressive? Grumpy? I don't fucking know. Frustrated is probably the best term for it.
There's always something for me to complain about. On one hand I've always kinda been that way.
On the other one, maybe it's been worse with that in the last couple of months because I just needed to distract myself in some way, by being pissed about all the teeny tiny problems.
I guess one could say I'm not happy with this whole situation.
My PC won't work at the moment, my tablet wouldn't work the last couple of weeks before my PC went down and I gotta move out of my beloved apartment this year as it seems. Also there's just so much shit going on in real life which I just can't understand. And when I'm not able to understand something to its fullest, it's making me feel very uneasy inside.
So I end up acting like "Don't fucking talk to me, I'm distressed.", which is the reason why I always look into things "way too deeply", because I just want to understand them 100% so there are no surprises.
I just happen to hate the unpredictable.
Yet at the same time, I feel really ashamed about everything. I feel like I'd have to stand next to every person I know, constantly going "I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me."
No matter what I write (in a chat) recently, right after sending it it makes me think
"That's actually not really the way I'd like to put this into word." or "I want to make a different impression."
Am I growing up? This is not the way I experienced it over the last years.
My personality hasn't changed much ever since 2013. In fact, I'd even say I was more mature in late 2013 or 2014 than I have been last year.
At the moment, I just can't help but see myself as kid that keeps throwing tantrums about irrevelant shit, first world problems only to show that it needs a good fucking ass whoopin'.
All I can say is that I feel very two-faced right now and I just don't know how to judge myself.
If I ever happen to write a weird, childisch journal like the last one again, please don't take it that seriously.
I am walking through a similar stage of life right now, and I think I've seen the last few years much easier and not as messy as 2016 started up.
My mood also fluctuates alot, and I can't find words to describe things.
Please don't feel too bad about it, i'm sure you will find your way out, you just feel that your are changing like everyone does. Unfortunately we can't stop these changes, may they be good or bad.
You need to find balance over yourself, and the first step would be to accept yourself.
As for me, you are a great person, someone I had alot of fun to talk and listen to. I like crazy persons with flaws, because I can't stand those "everything-is-great-i'm-having-a-nice-life" people anymore.
Well, this year is still young, and I'm a person who grows with each new year a lot. There have been little to big changes from year to year. I'm just a little worried that my "2016-personality" won't be so flattering. 2015 was absolutely horrible for me, so I guess maybe because of that I'm scared that it has a big impact on how I'll be this year.
Because until mid-late February 2015, everything was just fine and I had a great time. I'm scared the same thing might happen in 2016 as well...