Over the course the time we knew each other, our relationship evolved quite a lot. In the last year or so, I found myself in the position of being the father figure in his life he'd never had. I didn't know the first thing about being a father figure, and I'm still not terribly sure that's changed any, in spite of his assurances that I was doing just fine.

But all that seems of relatively little importance now, because in my heart and in my memories, he will forever be my big brother, Sesame Cied Bun.

Up until I met Sesame, my relationship with the fandom was that of an outsider, having an identity but mostly just an alias with which to interact with this strange new world that had attracted my curiosity. Even though before I had met him I'd come to know and become friends with Toddlergirl, Chris Fox, and of course Tavi and Ozzie, I still really didn't yet feel included, not sure that I was where I belonged.

Sesame changed all that, and my life will never be the same again.

I'm really not sure exactly what it was he did or said. Maybe it was just him being him. For some reason he'd had an inherent ability to draw out my emotions in a way no one else ever has. One day I was saying no, I didn't want to go to FWA, I just wasn't the convention-going type, the next I found myself asking myself why not, what do I have to lose, it's not like I would be there alone. Sesame would be there, and so would Lucca, and several friends of theirs I didn't yet know but soon would. I was in the group and I belonged, and it wouldn't have happened without him.

I know I haven't been around here for a while, and after the responses to this journal quiet down it may be another while before I ever come back. But today I need to be here, to the place where my big brother Sesame made me feel truly welcome.

If not for Sesame I would never have hooked up with Lucca, and even though that ended up not working out I still wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

And if not for Sesame I probably would never have taken Tavi and Ozzie into my home, and all of our lives would have been much less for it.

Sesame was enthusiastic and infectiously optimistic. He always seemed to have a dream, and even though few of them ever worked out, it always felt good to see someone reach for the stars the way he did.

Thanks for everything, big brother. Your life may have been too short, but your impact on the world will last on and on.