So back in October a street cam caught me in a California Roll (where you don't slow down entirely at a stop), and I've had a $480 fine just hanging above my head ever since. Well today I went down to the courthouse to try and plea for a smaller fine, since I'm attempting to get into the Navy and it IS a first offense; but I guess that leniency doesn't exist because the judge didn't let me say one word besides "Guilty" and "Traffic School".

The reason why this is such a problem is because A) if I do my ASVAB testing and do good but still have this fine over my head, my paperwork can't proceed and I can't join. You may be thinking, "Why not just PAY the fine"? Well that leads to B) I'd left my job before I even realized there would be a ticket heading my way. Now I'm sitting around, jobless after searching since the beginning of November with a $541 fine punching the back of my sanity. But it's even worse because my dad is so understanding: our insurance went up dramatically and he's so willing to help me, I had to fight not to cry right then and there...

And then to top everything off, my iPod, which held all my music, emails, drawing references, and pretty much anything I need to calm me down, is broken: so add that up to what I need to get and that's about $620 in all. I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD A HAIRCUT RIGHT NOW! "Money can't buy everything" is such a bullshit statement: in our lifetime, money is a bloodline for everything. You need it to eat, to feel comfortable, hell sometimes even to find love (but that's a different story that isn't really bugging me atm lol). And when you don't have it, you're nothing in the eyes of everyone else.

But, I am lucky enough that I made $18 in commissions recently. And it actually felt really good to have gotten that from doing what I loved; yeah I'm not very good, but I know I'm not terrible either. It actually felt like I was having control of something, finally... And then my tablet took a nice wonky shit. I was drawing a vent comic when the sensitivity suddenly just nose dived. And I legitimately started crying. And someone I've been able to go to and talk with--
and I clarify I do have friends in my life that care about me, and I'm so eternally grateful to have them around, but I just don't feel worthy to be around them; I feel like I've forgotten how to be happy with them. It's not their fault, I just have so much happening and tearing me down that I'm forgetting how to socialize and not be a jerk--
Anyway, the person I am allowing myself to be around has stuff happening to them, and he does care to some extent (just not the way I do for him), but I think I've annoyed him somehow and it's just piling on...

Anyway, not sure who will actually read this, but if you do, thank you so much for caring enough to hear my rant through and through. It's hard right now, but I'm doing what I can to keep my head up despite the weight of everything. Wish me luck.