So, other than hashing things over with to try to process what happened, I've pretty much stopped talking about my previous relationship.

However, I feel like in order to really process the last little bits, in order to understand why things were they way they were, I'm going to talk now.

As some of you (most of you) know, I was married when I met Tim. I have no shame in saying I fell in love with Tim while I was with my ex husband. He wasn't a pleasant man to be around as a friend, much less married to. He was quite mentally abusive.
See, I was quite a bit older than my ex, 8 years to be exact. I was 25 and he was 18 when we met. I had just gotten left by a man that I loved more than my own life. (yep. I've been married twice so far) My first husband left me for another woman, and I was left pretty broken from that.
So I moved to Indianapolis to get away from the situation in Alabama, I couldn't stand to stay down there and watch my first husband play "happy family" with the woman he left me for and her kid. One of the reasons he left me was because I couldn't have children.
So, I threw what I could in my car and fled the state of Alabama, to what I thought would be a haven. Turns out my mother had been developing a drug habit in the 5 years I hadn't seen her, and I moved up here to, while I won't go into details, was a very bad situation. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, I got constantly berated for my weight, and my mother is mentally abusive in her own right.
So in walks Donovan. He was charming, and funny, and YOUNG. I wanted to be young. I wanted to be free. I'd been a wife for so long, and had been sick. I finally wasn't sick, and I just wanted to feel happy. 3 months after me and Don started dating, his parents invited me to move in with them, because it wasn't working out with my mom. I happily agreed. Everything looked fine at first.
It always does.

Soon after I moved in with Don's family, the weird stuff started. Even though I was an adult, and I had a job, I was required to follow the rules the young teenagers (12 and 14) followed. His parents were VERY controlling, even getting angry if I didn't eat as much as they thought I should, but then they'd turn around and get agitated with me if I ate after the rest of the family, due to my job having me off at 11.
And it started with Don too. Turns out both Don and his mother are bipolar. Don started getting angry with me over everything -- be it I cried over anything. He would put me down physically. Told me certain body parts looked weird. That was a constant through our whole relationship.
I was constantly berated for anything I did. I have several health problems that make me tired, so yeah, I do get tired early. He would be upset with me because 9 or 10 o'clock would roll around, and I'd be ready to leave and go home. He'd accuse me of having a "whiney" voice. He told me I was a fucking crybaby. A lot of things.

Now, I'll admit right now, at the end of our relationship, I was far from a good wife. I basically forced him to be open, because at this point even the sex sucked, and I just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to find good in me, to see beauty in me. I'm not proud of my actions. But they were what they were, and they led me to where I am today, so I don't regret them.

And that's how I met Tim.

I met Tim, to be honest, for Don. We'd more or less abandoned being open at this point, but we were trying to make friends with people who didn't want to have sex with us, and based on Tim's pounced, him and Don had a lot of things in common. So I shot him a message. I couldn't really get Don to be friends with him, but me and Tim started chatting on skype often. That led to us having lunch. Which led to us hanging out. Which eventually led to us opening up to one another. I confessed how bad Don made me feel about myself, but that I really did want it to work. He said that he really thought I needed to get out, to get help, he was scared for me. Don had raised his hand at me a couple of times, accidentally hit me in the car once, and almost punched me in the face in a fit of rage punching the couch. He'd also broken his hand at this point, from punching the fridge.

I have to admit something at this point.

Spending so much time with Tim, seeing how wonderful of a person he was, how kind he was to me..not only that, his sense of humor, and yeah, I'll admit, things got sexual through text with us. We have a LOT in common sexually, and it appealed to me that he is such a sadist. The subject of maybe me having an affair with him popped up more than once, but we didn't. In the end, neither of us wanted to erode our morals like that.

But about 2 weeks before me and Don split, he did kiss me.
and whoa boy, what a kiss :3


Then, to tl;dr this, Don left, I was broke, Tim offered to let me move in, and the rest is history.

See, though, I've left SO much out of this.
Not only did I get constant abuse from Don,
His mother would constantly get angry at us for no reason. I'm so paranoid about people being mad at me now, it's stupid.
I'm scared to cry.
I don't like to talk about my problems.
I don't like to express my distress or angry or anything that shows I'm stressed. So I bottle everything up until I explode.
And I don't like showing it, because every time I'd get upset, his mother would just tell me I'm a crybaby and it's "always something wrong with you"

All this comes about to I'll admit I did something I probably shouldn't have.
I looked at facebooks, and FA.
They appear to be doing great. They both seem like they're in a better place mentally. And I'm happy for them, I really am.
but at the same time, it causes doubt in me. Why was I so wrong? What did I do? I really did try so hard.
I know you can't ever make everyone in your life happy, and I've accepted that.

I read something once, about how you had to break me, in order to prepare yourself for the next person.
And I think that's true in this case. Don had to be mean to me, he had to break me, in order to figure out not to do that to the next girl. I wasn't his forever. We weren't meant to be. And his mother? Well, she's just a crazy bitch who takes her unhappiness out on people. But Don had to break me not only for him, but for me.
I needed to be broken in order to appreciate someone as gentle as Tim.
Sometimes it is difficult to accept that, because it still hurts.
I think I realize now that I never really loved Don. I honestly thought for a long time I'd lost the ability to love, because my first husband broke my heart so badly.

But then I met Tim, and to be honest, that man is so wonderful, that most of the time I forget I've ever been hurt when I'm with him. He makes the world a slightly brighter place.

I know in the end, I just have to breathe. and let go, and accept.

I'm not completely ok, but in the end, I will be. And every day I'm a little bit more ok.