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Having a Positive Focus
9 years ago
I've come to the conclusion that it is time for me to Change and re-focus my life. And while Change is difficult it can also be rewarding.
I was going to do an entire journal just about how my life has changed from one thing to another, but then FA went down during the middle of my post; and while I have it saved... I'm going to look at the same inspiration but broaden it a little, focusing more on the future then the past.
The past is important as you learn from it. If you don't learn from both your past successes AND mistakes then you are not going to change. It's all about realizing that being Human means you are going to make mistakes, but you are also going to succeed. If you focus too much on either your failures or successes it can be dangerous.
When I was in Highschool I was very socially awkward. I had few friends and zero self confidence. Then I fell into the Furry thing and my life started to change. I felt and overwhelming urge to give something back by running local events and becoming staff for conventions. And at the same time I saw a few ugly things and obsessed over trying to "fix" or address them. I became stressed. I became bitter. It wasn't something that happened overnight mind you; but yes I did unintentionally start pushing people away while trying to "protect" them. This is the curse of changing from a Omega to a Strong Beta personality. Perhaps I let that take over and in doing so became an extreme pessimist that was over protective. And while being a Guard Dog can have its advantages... at the same time it's a very stressful way to live.
Paranoia and suspicion leads to negativity. Negativity fuels more negativity. I had gone from someone who trusted no one, to someone who was eager to help out and give back, right back to becoming bitter and suspecting everything.
The one beacon of light in all of this has been my Photography and Videography; and while it can be a source of frustration on its own (ANY form of artwork can become a frustration...) it made me realize something:
A photographer or videographer creates a perception. They can take an event that was something fairly mundane and make it seem exciting and full of life, even if those moments were breif, that's all a photographer needs.
As a photographer, if I witness something at a convention that makes me uncomfortable or does not give off a positive vibe do I take a photo of it? Probably not. If I accidentally take a photo of something that gives off a bad vibe do I post it? Absolutely Not.
I've been looking for a way to be more positive. The first step is admitting you have a problem, but just knowing there is a problem is not good enough. One must find a way to fix it.
I now realize there is a clear way out, a way to change. Will it be something that happens overnight? No of course not. Will I be all sunshine and butterflies all of the time? Of course not.
But over the past few weeks I've learned that I can use my photography as both a literal and metaphor way to have a more positive view on life. A direction... a Clear and Positive Focus. My personality requires a focus. It requires a drive. Without that I start to revert to my old self; not confident in myself and others and very bitter. I don't want that.
A photographer takes something very broad and focuses on very specific moments; split seconds in time. They turn that split second into an experience, a moment in itself. An Event photographer is a Librarian of not only their own but other people's memories. When I look at my photography and videography from various conventions and events I never see the Negativity. I only see the positive. It's like putting on a telephoto lens, forcing myself to focus on one thing rather then getting overwhelmed in all the noise and distractions outside of it.
I have a LOT of great memories from the Furry Fandom, as well as life in general. Why should I dwell on the negative ones? Like a photographer I can learn from my mistakes but ultimately those are the photos, the memories that I should hide from others. No one wants to see a blurry, out of focus angry Yarrick. I need to bring only the positive ones forward to display in my Public Gallery. Hence the Metaphor.
But most importantly I learned something. I learned my place in the Fandom. I am not a Director. I am not a Guard Dog.
I am a Photographer. I am a Videographer. It is something to be proud of. I am a keeper of memories and I get a high on watching others have fun. I enjoy it even more when I can share those memories with others.
Yes the Fandom and well Humanity has a number of dark places. But unless you are a Paparazzi a Photographer will not get very far if they dwell on the negative.
A wedding photographer for example would loose his job very quickly if they did nothing but post photos of the family of the Bride and Groom getting into a fist fight. Unless they are both Irish and then I guess that is to be expected :P
Point is, they make their living on making the event look like something positive. Something exciting and full of energy. Something powerful and moving.
My roles as a Volunteer for the Fandom and my other social outlets are changing. By the end of the year I will have stepped down from any volunteer position that is not offering my services as a photographer or videographer. I've learned that I'll never run out of chances to offer my services as one. Even outside the Furry Fandom a Volunteer Photographer who offers their services for free is worth his weight in gold.
So in short: For those who have seen my downward spiral into negativity over the last two years; I'm sorry. I'm trying to change. It's not going to happen overnight but I feel I've made a lot of progress and have my Focus back.
I'm not cut out to be a Board Member, but I did learn a LOT from it. I don't regret it, but at the same time I've choosen a different path. A path that has been there for years but I've been straying from it. If I stay on the path of the Photographer I'll be happy. Those dark places off to the side are no longer my concern. They aren't what is in Focus.
I was going to do an entire journal just about how my life has changed from one thing to another, but then FA went down during the middle of my post; and while I have it saved... I'm going to look at the same inspiration but broaden it a little, focusing more on the future then the past.
The past is important as you learn from it. If you don't learn from both your past successes AND mistakes then you are not going to change. It's all about realizing that being Human means you are going to make mistakes, but you are also going to succeed. If you focus too much on either your failures or successes it can be dangerous.
When I was in Highschool I was very socially awkward. I had few friends and zero self confidence. Then I fell into the Furry thing and my life started to change. I felt and overwhelming urge to give something back by running local events and becoming staff for conventions. And at the same time I saw a few ugly things and obsessed over trying to "fix" or address them. I became stressed. I became bitter. It wasn't something that happened overnight mind you; but yes I did unintentionally start pushing people away while trying to "protect" them. This is the curse of changing from a Omega to a Strong Beta personality. Perhaps I let that take over and in doing so became an extreme pessimist that was over protective. And while being a Guard Dog can have its advantages... at the same time it's a very stressful way to live.
Paranoia and suspicion leads to negativity. Negativity fuels more negativity. I had gone from someone who trusted no one, to someone who was eager to help out and give back, right back to becoming bitter and suspecting everything.
The one beacon of light in all of this has been my Photography and Videography; and while it can be a source of frustration on its own (ANY form of artwork can become a frustration...) it made me realize something:
A photographer or videographer creates a perception. They can take an event that was something fairly mundane and make it seem exciting and full of life, even if those moments were breif, that's all a photographer needs.
As a photographer, if I witness something at a convention that makes me uncomfortable or does not give off a positive vibe do I take a photo of it? Probably not. If I accidentally take a photo of something that gives off a bad vibe do I post it? Absolutely Not.
I've been looking for a way to be more positive. The first step is admitting you have a problem, but just knowing there is a problem is not good enough. One must find a way to fix it.
I now realize there is a clear way out, a way to change. Will it be something that happens overnight? No of course not. Will I be all sunshine and butterflies all of the time? Of course not.
But over the past few weeks I've learned that I can use my photography as both a literal and metaphor way to have a more positive view on life. A direction... a Clear and Positive Focus. My personality requires a focus. It requires a drive. Without that I start to revert to my old self; not confident in myself and others and very bitter. I don't want that.
A photographer takes something very broad and focuses on very specific moments; split seconds in time. They turn that split second into an experience, a moment in itself. An Event photographer is a Librarian of not only their own but other people's memories. When I look at my photography and videography from various conventions and events I never see the Negativity. I only see the positive. It's like putting on a telephoto lens, forcing myself to focus on one thing rather then getting overwhelmed in all the noise and distractions outside of it.
I have a LOT of great memories from the Furry Fandom, as well as life in general. Why should I dwell on the negative ones? Like a photographer I can learn from my mistakes but ultimately those are the photos, the memories that I should hide from others. No one wants to see a blurry, out of focus angry Yarrick. I need to bring only the positive ones forward to display in my Public Gallery. Hence the Metaphor.
But most importantly I learned something. I learned my place in the Fandom. I am not a Director. I am not a Guard Dog.
I am a Photographer. I am a Videographer. It is something to be proud of. I am a keeper of memories and I get a high on watching others have fun. I enjoy it even more when I can share those memories with others.
Yes the Fandom and well Humanity has a number of dark places. But unless you are a Paparazzi a Photographer will not get very far if they dwell on the negative.
A wedding photographer for example would loose his job very quickly if they did nothing but post photos of the family of the Bride and Groom getting into a fist fight. Unless they are both Irish and then I guess that is to be expected :P
Point is, they make their living on making the event look like something positive. Something exciting and full of energy. Something powerful and moving.
My roles as a Volunteer for the Fandom and my other social outlets are changing. By the end of the year I will have stepped down from any volunteer position that is not offering my services as a photographer or videographer. I've learned that I'll never run out of chances to offer my services as one. Even outside the Furry Fandom a Volunteer Photographer who offers their services for free is worth his weight in gold.
So in short: For those who have seen my downward spiral into negativity over the last two years; I'm sorry. I'm trying to change. It's not going to happen overnight but I feel I've made a lot of progress and have my Focus back.
I'm not cut out to be a Board Member, but I did learn a LOT from it. I don't regret it, but at the same time I've choosen a different path. A path that has been there for years but I've been straying from it. If I stay on the path of the Photographer I'll be happy. Those dark places off to the side are no longer my concern. They aren't what is in Focus.
thanks for coming to hang last night. Hope ya had fun! :)
see ya 'round!