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Personal vomit, don't read if you hate self-pity.
9 years ago
So yeah, I almost never post these things as evidenced by my history here. It doesn't really matter if anyone reads this or responds, I just had to put something somewhere.
Ever feel like you're trapped? Suffocating? Like there's no way out and you just keep sinking deeper? That's kinda how I feel right now. I'm depressed, and frustrated...don't know what to do or how to get past this. There are so many things going on right now in my life, and yet so little.
Most of you probably didn't know I was in a relationship with a fellow fur not that long ago. We were together for over a year and a half. We met through the popular MMO Final Fantasy XIV. We were both gay and found out wie were both furs too. Seemed a bit too good to be true. Anyway we online dated for a year, Skyping almost every night. He came up for my birthday in 2015 (the third time we'd been together without computer screens between us), and our characters in FFXIV got married. I know it seems silly, but that meant at least a little something to me. Anyway...three months later he moved up to live with me and I was amazed. Here I am, now 31 years old and I'm in a relationship...in love and living with someone...something I never thought would happen to me. We lived together for seven months and then one weekend, after a spat, he decided it would be best to simply abandoned everything we had together and run back home. Two days after the fight, he was gone. Two text messages after that and he cut off all communications with me. Transferred his character to a different server and poof...as if he never existed at all...except for the scars he left behind.
You see, my fellow fur was in his upper twenties physically, but emotionally he wasn't much past thirteen. He came from a well-to-do family and had never had to worry about if he'd have enough rent to cover next month, or if he'd be able to go buy groceries next week. He never had to worry about the electricity being cut off, because if he ever came up short, his parents would just bail him out. He's never worked a full-time job in his life, yet he owned his own condo in a beachside town on the Gulf. See, he just wanted someone to take care of his financial needs so he could sit at home and do whatever he wanted. I made it clear that I wanted a partner who I could work through life together with. The entire time he lived with me, he didn't work a single day, claiming he wasn't getting any callbacks. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't...ever since I started dating him I knew he was a compulsive liar...but I chose to trust. Finally I got him a job where I worked and he turned his nose up saying he couldn't do it. I called him "soft." Yeah, that's the worst thing I ever called him up to that point....soft. And that warranted running back home to mommy and daddy. The worst part was...for wanting to be a trophy boyfriend, he didn't even put-out! One or two blow-jobs a MONTH. And nothing more. Now I'm a sexual person, and yes I do have some hangups in the bedroom but I wanted to work on them with him...he didn't even want to try. I wanted sex at least a few times a week...he would've been happy with no sex at all. I was WILLING to keep jacking myself off every day even though I think sex would've done wonders for our relationship, just so that I could have a companion. But I sure as hell was not going to go off to a job that I hated every day to make money so that we could survive, while he continued to sponge off of his parents for his portion of the bills so he could sit at home all day and do...whatever he did.
So he left, and it's probably a good thing, but here's the thing...before him, I was perfectly fine living my life alone with my dog(s). It's what I was prepared to do...I'd accepted that no one would ever love me that way. And then along he came, filling me full of wonder and hope that maybe there was someone who would notice when I die. Someone to share my love and caring with. I don't know if it was ever real, but it felt real to me...so now I don't know how to get back to that state. The state where I'm okay with being alone. The place where when I die, no one will really care that much. I was okay with it once but I don't know how to get back there...I don't know if I can. I just want someone like that even worse than before...some guy who wants to be mine and wants me to be his. A guy who will ambush me in the kitchen and drill me up against the fridge or plow me on the hood of his car/truck just because. But for anyone to be like that...they'd have to accept me, who I am, how I look, and most-importantly, my sexuality, which is far from average. It's not as simple as finding a nice guy...he has to agree with some very non-standard things, and they can be deal-breakers. I'll leave it at that.
On top of this, I have a friend in the fandom...he's a really great guy and a lot of you probably know of him, though I will not mention him here. I've long had a bit of a crush on this guy, but he's always been in a relationship, and then I was in a relationship, so there was never a chance for us to explore any possibilities. I've been friends with him for a long time too...we used to chat regularly and recently started chatting again, but he's gone quiet. I was really depending upon him for the types of support I can't get from my other friends, just as a friend. He knows some things about me that a lot of people don't...he's the only one I can talk to about a lot of these things. I know it's unfair for me to put that kind of responsibility on a friend, and I certainly don't want to push the matter at all. I already feel bad for it. But he just doesn't really respond to my texts or messages anymore. Maybe I creeped him out...maybe he just doesn't like who I've become. maybe he's just really busy living his life and trying to get things straightened out for himself, I don't know... I've tried to offer him what support I could too since he's also been through some stuff recently, but I don't know. It just sucks that I don't seem to have him to talk to anymore. He was sorta my lifeline...even if he didn't really know it.
Now, my mother has moved back in with me as well. This is both blessing and curse, because it means I'm not alone, but it also means...well...I'm not alone. The thing was she and the rest of the town got fired when the factory closed and she went back to school. She became a medical lab tech but was having a very hard time finding work because of her age. Finally she did find a job, but it was in the northern part of the state, forcing her to move. She was going to lose the house she was buying where I live because she couldn't afford to pay rent up there AND the house payment down here. I decided I couldn't let that happen, so I said I'd live in the house and make all the payments for her. The plan was that she would work up north until she could retire, then move back here and I'd find another place again. Well...that didn't happen. They were paying her peanuts up there, and she wasn't even making enough to survive, so she moved back after just one year. I basically supported her for a year after that until she managed to find local work. So she's living here again, but she can't keep up with the bills on her own, so I'm still living here too. It's allowing me to save money, but it feels a little demeaning...I mean...if it weren't for me, the house would have been repo'd and who knows where my mom would've ended up...but still, my mother is living in the same house as me again. Thankfully the house has two living rooms, but still. I love my mother, but I'd really like to have my own place again...but I can't unless mom starts making more money again, or the house will still be repo'd.
On top of that, they found a troubling lesion on my mom's hip-bone that is causing her pain...she's having it tested next month....I can't even consider the possibility that it's the "C" word. It's too hard to think about it...and the emotional ramifications too. Right now I think my mother is the only person in the world who would care if I died...there's just too much to even consider it. I'll wait to hear what the doctors say.
Also Aleksey is going to have surgery a week from this coming Friday to remove a granuloma from his elbow. I job-shadowed at this vet, and I know their main concern is saving money, not keeping clean and safe. I'm so worried about him going under anesthesia and about the removal and stitches...I couldn't take it if something happened to my dear Husky lover-boy.
In short, I'm a mess...I hate my job, and I feel utterly trapped an hopeless. I'm sorry for venting this here, but I needed to do it somewhere. I just...want to feel happy again.
Ever feel like you're trapped? Suffocating? Like there's no way out and you just keep sinking deeper? That's kinda how I feel right now. I'm depressed, and frustrated...don't know what to do or how to get past this. There are so many things going on right now in my life, and yet so little.
Most of you probably didn't know I was in a relationship with a fellow fur not that long ago. We were together for over a year and a half. We met through the popular MMO Final Fantasy XIV. We were both gay and found out wie were both furs too. Seemed a bit too good to be true. Anyway we online dated for a year, Skyping almost every night. He came up for my birthday in 2015 (the third time we'd been together without computer screens between us), and our characters in FFXIV got married. I know it seems silly, but that meant at least a little something to me. Anyway...three months later he moved up to live with me and I was amazed. Here I am, now 31 years old and I'm in a relationship...in love and living with someone...something I never thought would happen to me. We lived together for seven months and then one weekend, after a spat, he decided it would be best to simply abandoned everything we had together and run back home. Two days after the fight, he was gone. Two text messages after that and he cut off all communications with me. Transferred his character to a different server and poof...as if he never existed at all...except for the scars he left behind.
You see, my fellow fur was in his upper twenties physically, but emotionally he wasn't much past thirteen. He came from a well-to-do family and had never had to worry about if he'd have enough rent to cover next month, or if he'd be able to go buy groceries next week. He never had to worry about the electricity being cut off, because if he ever came up short, his parents would just bail him out. He's never worked a full-time job in his life, yet he owned his own condo in a beachside town on the Gulf. See, he just wanted someone to take care of his financial needs so he could sit at home and do whatever he wanted. I made it clear that I wanted a partner who I could work through life together with. The entire time he lived with me, he didn't work a single day, claiming he wasn't getting any callbacks. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't...ever since I started dating him I knew he was a compulsive liar...but I chose to trust. Finally I got him a job where I worked and he turned his nose up saying he couldn't do it. I called him "soft." Yeah, that's the worst thing I ever called him up to that point....soft. And that warranted running back home to mommy and daddy. The worst part was...for wanting to be a trophy boyfriend, he didn't even put-out! One or two blow-jobs a MONTH. And nothing more. Now I'm a sexual person, and yes I do have some hangups in the bedroom but I wanted to work on them with him...he didn't even want to try. I wanted sex at least a few times a week...he would've been happy with no sex at all. I was WILLING to keep jacking myself off every day even though I think sex would've done wonders for our relationship, just so that I could have a companion. But I sure as hell was not going to go off to a job that I hated every day to make money so that we could survive, while he continued to sponge off of his parents for his portion of the bills so he could sit at home all day and do...whatever he did.
So he left, and it's probably a good thing, but here's the thing...before him, I was perfectly fine living my life alone with my dog(s). It's what I was prepared to do...I'd accepted that no one would ever love me that way. And then along he came, filling me full of wonder and hope that maybe there was someone who would notice when I die. Someone to share my love and caring with. I don't know if it was ever real, but it felt real to me...so now I don't know how to get back to that state. The state where I'm okay with being alone. The place where when I die, no one will really care that much. I was okay with it once but I don't know how to get back there...I don't know if I can. I just want someone like that even worse than before...some guy who wants to be mine and wants me to be his. A guy who will ambush me in the kitchen and drill me up against the fridge or plow me on the hood of his car/truck just because. But for anyone to be like that...they'd have to accept me, who I am, how I look, and most-importantly, my sexuality, which is far from average. It's not as simple as finding a nice guy...he has to agree with some very non-standard things, and they can be deal-breakers. I'll leave it at that.
On top of this, I have a friend in the fandom...he's a really great guy and a lot of you probably know of him, though I will not mention him here. I've long had a bit of a crush on this guy, but he's always been in a relationship, and then I was in a relationship, so there was never a chance for us to explore any possibilities. I've been friends with him for a long time too...we used to chat regularly and recently started chatting again, but he's gone quiet. I was really depending upon him for the types of support I can't get from my other friends, just as a friend. He knows some things about me that a lot of people don't...he's the only one I can talk to about a lot of these things. I know it's unfair for me to put that kind of responsibility on a friend, and I certainly don't want to push the matter at all. I already feel bad for it. But he just doesn't really respond to my texts or messages anymore. Maybe I creeped him out...maybe he just doesn't like who I've become. maybe he's just really busy living his life and trying to get things straightened out for himself, I don't know... I've tried to offer him what support I could too since he's also been through some stuff recently, but I don't know. It just sucks that I don't seem to have him to talk to anymore. He was sorta my lifeline...even if he didn't really know it.
Now, my mother has moved back in with me as well. This is both blessing and curse, because it means I'm not alone, but it also means...well...I'm not alone. The thing was she and the rest of the town got fired when the factory closed and she went back to school. She became a medical lab tech but was having a very hard time finding work because of her age. Finally she did find a job, but it was in the northern part of the state, forcing her to move. She was going to lose the house she was buying where I live because she couldn't afford to pay rent up there AND the house payment down here. I decided I couldn't let that happen, so I said I'd live in the house and make all the payments for her. The plan was that she would work up north until she could retire, then move back here and I'd find another place again. Well...that didn't happen. They were paying her peanuts up there, and she wasn't even making enough to survive, so she moved back after just one year. I basically supported her for a year after that until she managed to find local work. So she's living here again, but she can't keep up with the bills on her own, so I'm still living here too. It's allowing me to save money, but it feels a little demeaning...I mean...if it weren't for me, the house would have been repo'd and who knows where my mom would've ended up...but still, my mother is living in the same house as me again. Thankfully the house has two living rooms, but still. I love my mother, but I'd really like to have my own place again...but I can't unless mom starts making more money again, or the house will still be repo'd.
On top of that, they found a troubling lesion on my mom's hip-bone that is causing her pain...she's having it tested next month....I can't even consider the possibility that it's the "C" word. It's too hard to think about it...and the emotional ramifications too. Right now I think my mother is the only person in the world who would care if I died...there's just too much to even consider it. I'll wait to hear what the doctors say.
Also Aleksey is going to have surgery a week from this coming Friday to remove a granuloma from his elbow. I job-shadowed at this vet, and I know their main concern is saving money, not keeping clean and safe. I'm so worried about him going under anesthesia and about the removal and stitches...I couldn't take it if something happened to my dear Husky lover-boy.
In short, I'm a mess...I hate my job, and I feel utterly trapped an hopeless. I'm sorry for venting this here, but I needed to do it somewhere. I just...want to feel happy again.
He presented himself as a person of intellect, and he was that to some extent. I considered his knowledge base to be on par with mine. What I did not realize was how very sheltered he was from the real world. His parents were two of the biggest enablers I've ever met...overcompensation for the fact that he was adopted I suppose. However in this I feel they caused him more harm than good. He didn't understand that sometimes you have to do things in life that are hard, or that you don't like, just to survive. You don't turn your nose up at a job dropped in your lap when you're unemployed. He also expected me to treat him like a porcelain figurine...placed up on a pedestal and never ever questioned. That the simple act of telling him he was "soft" bruised his self-identity to the point of running away from the situation stated as much. He didn't like hearing the truth....he expected me to make excuses for him and placate him regarding his failures with tired platitudes. He expected me to treat him as his parents do. When it became evident that I would not be doing that, he fled.
Anyway...I wish you better luck with your relationship than I had in mine. I hope it works out for the both of you. It's hard to not curl up into a ball and just wait for it all hit the fan...but I'll do my best to keep trying for now. Thanks again.