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Me being gay.
9 years ago
Me being gay.
I’m a 35 year old white man, I come from about 30 miles outside London and was born in 1980. I’ve an older sister (older by 5 years) and a mum and dad in a traditional nuclear family.
My Dad worked various shifts so wasn’t around that much (but did make up for it when he was, even if I never got into the things he wanted me to get into, football, rugby etc) and Mum did ‘traditional’ housewife stuff (Dad’s job whilst with rubbish hours paid good).
I went to a public school and was bullied remorselessly for 13 years because of my lisp, it was rarely physical but it was always verbal. I never really did anything about it, I ignored it, and it gave me the longest fuse on the planet. But also an explosive temper when that fuse runs out as one bully did find out (and an ex flatmate, but that’s another story)
When I was young I knew something was ‘up’, I once confided in my Grandad (on my Dad’s side) that I didn’t like watching boxing because ‘it made my privates hard’. I didn’t know what being gay was, it wasn’t taught at School, the very limited sex-ed was all about hetro stuff and pregnancy, I guess it was simpler times.
But as I grew up I knew, knew that girls just didn’t ‘do it’ for me. But not knowing what to say, or who to turn to, I never said anything.
As I got older and stayed up later I saw that my parents were pretty darn conservative (and both vote Conservative :p) and my Dad would always grumble when something about the gay pride parade would come on the news with words like “Look at those fucking poofters/its bloody disgusting is what it is.” Or words to that effect. And I’d be like “Yeah…ha-ha…*nervous laughter whilst inwardly going fuuuuuuuuuuck!” because I realised I was gay.
I looked into it in books and in the library down town, but I never had anyone to tell about it. I didn’t have many friends and at school being called ‘queer’ or a ‘faggot’ or anything like that was run of the mill, and with me getting verbally bullied I didn’t want it to get worse, or give them something else to target me about.
The bullying also made me quite introverted, I didn’t make many friends (but those I did I have to this day) and I was definitely not one of the ‘cool kids’. You know the type, the ones who hid behind the bike shed to smoke or would go to a club or something or were experimenting with drinking and stuff. No I was a lover of books, of computers and reading. I would immerse myself in fantasy worlds, or history books, imagining myself to be an explorer, or on a man-o-war with Nelson or something. Fortunately my small group of friends all went to the same school as I did and we stuck together, supporting one another with our friendship.
I went to college for one year, and found I didn’t like it, so I then decided to enlist at the tender age of 17 and a half, minimum joining age for a soldier in the British Army.
I wasn’t very worldly wise, I was quite ‘innocent’ I guess. I was also gay. And being gay in the Army at the time was not allowed. The British Army had the equivalent of a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, they did ask when you enlisted, but it was a simple, yes or no. After that it was never asked again.
Being gay in the army carried with it a ‘6 month and out’ penalty. That’s 6 months in RMP (Royal Military Prison) Colchester (the British Army’s only military prison) before being discharged with dishonour, IE kicked out. Good luck getting a job with that against your name.
But I WANTED to serve, I wanted to actually do something myself. To be free of my home and I guess stretch my wings.
Now its very obvious that there’s homosexuals in the army, I met a lovely girl who was almost the stereotype of a ‘bull dyke’. She could drink most blokes under the table, was a big strong lass and said that she would gladly let Angelina Jolie do lots of naughty things to her. And do them to her in return. And she didn’t care, nor really did the army, as long as you didn’t let it interrupt your work or professional career/life.
But I never came out. Never spoke to anyone about it, not my friends, not my colleauges, zip.
I was a corporal so I had my own room and thanks to the internet I was able to look at porn and stuff but I never went to a gay bar (still never have, and I’m 35) never spoke to anyone about it, although some may have suspected, I’m very hard to detect on gaydar (more on that later).
I did that for 9 years. Including deployments to Bosnia, Cyprus and 6 months in Iraq which were far from pleasant.
And when I left I went home again, living back with my parents but I was already getting antsy, my Mum can be very..smothering at times, and we rowed a lot, after 9 years of being independent I hated that I was being mothered or treated like a retarded 6 year old.
But still I didn’t come out.
And then came World of Warcraft, I started playing the game and got hooked, and got into a guild where I met and talked with a lot of folks, quite a few of whom were openly gay and RPed gay characters.
And I got to talking, very carefully at first, still unsure of what to say, how to broach the subject. So I made an Orc Rogue who was gay. He was everything I’m not, he was proud of who he was, if you mocked him for his sexuality he’d thump you, he didn’t care what people thought of him, he was himself, and that was what mattered.
I realised that I was unhappy, that I wanted to talk about my sexuality. At this time I was working for the Met Police in London and one of the other admin staff there, a lovely lass and her now wife (a man who fully transitioned into a woman) became firm friends.
We was both geeks, talking about stuff like Battlestar Galactica (the new one) or comics and sci-fi and I broached my still deeply closeted homosexuality with her. Finally, I was able to talk with someone about my sexuality without being scared I’d drive them away or make them angry at me.
After this and with her full support I started talking about it more, with her, with my friends in WoW where I first actually came out and got lots of support and kind words.
But I was still scared, still scared my friends would shun me, turn their backs and of course, what would my parents think of me? I honestly though I would have been kicked out.
So eventually, I broached the subject with my sister, who had moved out and was engaged. She was very supportive and said I was ‘brave’ for coming out and asked if I’d told mum and dad. Of course I’d not, how do you do that? Seriously like how, you can’t just turn up with a man on your arm and when they open the door, kiss, fully,with tongue. Can you? Damned If I knew!
But then crunch time.
Mum found some pictures I had printed out and hidden away whilst she was doing a quick blitz tidy up of my room.
I come home and mum and dad are both sat in the living room and ask to talk with me.
My heart falls into my gut and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“ANON is there anything you want to talk to us about?” Said my Dad
Its then that I spot the pictures. Shit, games up, totally and utterly.
And so I sat down, shaking, white as a sheet and said that I was gay. My dad didn’t say anything, whilst my mum looked appalled. I got the usual questions ‘are you sure?’ ‘how do you know’ ‘are you sure its not a phase’ and I answered them as best I could.
And then, my mum said “Perhaps this is punishment…” she said, sobbing already.
“Punishment for what?”
They looked at each other for a long moment and then my dad started talking. Turns out there had been another kid. Born before my Sister, when my mum and dad lived at my Dad’s parents house. They had no home, no job, no way to care for it.
So they had the baby aborted very very very early on.
And my Mum was raised a Catholic (even if she was about as religious as a plastic bag, and my Dad’s agnostic). And she said, crying now “Perhaps this is gods punishment for that…”
It was the worst thing I’ve ever had said to me.
Ever.
I’ve been called a lot, but to hear that from my mum’s lips..that I’m ‘punishment’…yeah…I apologised again and again, I was crying now and then my Dad spoke up and said
“ANON’S MUM don’t be fucking stupid, if that’s god then he can fuck off.” He looked at me “How long?”
“Since a young age, and for sure since joining the army.”
“How did you not get found out?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Anything?”
“nothing, no one to speak to, didn’t go to any places, nothing.”
“For all that time.”
“Yeah…”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Well Dad..you’re hardly the most liberal person, I see you talking about ‘fucking poofs’ and ‘faggots’ and here’s me as one of those.”
“ANON you’re a stupid bastard. Did you think I would go ‘get ye hence forth and never darken my door again?”
“Yeah…I thought you would..you seem to hate gays.”
“ANON you’re my son…I’d not kick you out..now give your mum a hug.”
Mum at this point is in full blown crying mode. She had this vision of grand children on her knee and she’s not getting any with my Sister because her and her hubby are emigrating to Australia, and she’s not getting any off me. Kids are too fucking expensive, noisy and a pain in the arse, I’d rather have a cat, or some goldfish.
I went to hug my mum and she shied away from me, this look of…fear in her eyes. I still blame it on shock and think really that’s what it is.
After that, it became the 600lb Gorilla in the room that was NEVER discussed. But I came out to my friends, and they were fine with it and life seemed to go on. I talk about my homosexuality with my parents a bit more, mainly to reassure my mum that i'm not 'sleeping around' or 'doing anything silly' although she does worry that i'm lonely and we talk about that. It was still a very painful few months, but fortunately I got a job that saw me move out and I have my own place now and am no longer arguing with my mum about everything (seriously, she got her knickers in a twist because I didn't iron my socks!)
But I’ve still never been to a gay bar, I’m in a long term and long distance relationship, have been for 6 years now. My boyfriend calls me an ‘executive homosexual’. Meaning that unless I tell you, you’d not know. I became so good at hiding what I was that I’m not on folks gaydar. Now though I tell people I’m gay if they ask, but I don’t go around with a gay pride shirt on or something. I’m still that boy from Essex who is in the closet, unless I’m talking with friends, or browsing the net. I don’t know why, I guess I’m so use to being what I was like, that it’s the norm, that I’m just like that, I’m not a very ‘out there’ person.
I dunno why I wrote this, I’m sure people will accuse me of having privaliage (yes I am white and grew up in a mostly white town and there were very few PoC at school) and yes I’m still a nerd, I love 40k, I love sci-fi and games and reading.
So yeah, that’s me. That’s what I am.
I’m a 35 year old white man, I come from about 30 miles outside London and was born in 1980. I’ve an older sister (older by 5 years) and a mum and dad in a traditional nuclear family.
My Dad worked various shifts so wasn’t around that much (but did make up for it when he was, even if I never got into the things he wanted me to get into, football, rugby etc) and Mum did ‘traditional’ housewife stuff (Dad’s job whilst with rubbish hours paid good).
I went to a public school and was bullied remorselessly for 13 years because of my lisp, it was rarely physical but it was always verbal. I never really did anything about it, I ignored it, and it gave me the longest fuse on the planet. But also an explosive temper when that fuse runs out as one bully did find out (and an ex flatmate, but that’s another story)
When I was young I knew something was ‘up’, I once confided in my Grandad (on my Dad’s side) that I didn’t like watching boxing because ‘it made my privates hard’. I didn’t know what being gay was, it wasn’t taught at School, the very limited sex-ed was all about hetro stuff and pregnancy, I guess it was simpler times.
But as I grew up I knew, knew that girls just didn’t ‘do it’ for me. But not knowing what to say, or who to turn to, I never said anything.
As I got older and stayed up later I saw that my parents were pretty darn conservative (and both vote Conservative :p) and my Dad would always grumble when something about the gay pride parade would come on the news with words like “Look at those fucking poofters/its bloody disgusting is what it is.” Or words to that effect. And I’d be like “Yeah…ha-ha…*nervous laughter whilst inwardly going fuuuuuuuuuuck!” because I realised I was gay.
I looked into it in books and in the library down town, but I never had anyone to tell about it. I didn’t have many friends and at school being called ‘queer’ or a ‘faggot’ or anything like that was run of the mill, and with me getting verbally bullied I didn’t want it to get worse, or give them something else to target me about.
The bullying also made me quite introverted, I didn’t make many friends (but those I did I have to this day) and I was definitely not one of the ‘cool kids’. You know the type, the ones who hid behind the bike shed to smoke or would go to a club or something or were experimenting with drinking and stuff. No I was a lover of books, of computers and reading. I would immerse myself in fantasy worlds, or history books, imagining myself to be an explorer, or on a man-o-war with Nelson or something. Fortunately my small group of friends all went to the same school as I did and we stuck together, supporting one another with our friendship.
I went to college for one year, and found I didn’t like it, so I then decided to enlist at the tender age of 17 and a half, minimum joining age for a soldier in the British Army.
I wasn’t very worldly wise, I was quite ‘innocent’ I guess. I was also gay. And being gay in the Army at the time was not allowed. The British Army had the equivalent of a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, they did ask when you enlisted, but it was a simple, yes or no. After that it was never asked again.
Being gay in the army carried with it a ‘6 month and out’ penalty. That’s 6 months in RMP (Royal Military Prison) Colchester (the British Army’s only military prison) before being discharged with dishonour, IE kicked out. Good luck getting a job with that against your name.
But I WANTED to serve, I wanted to actually do something myself. To be free of my home and I guess stretch my wings.
Now its very obvious that there’s homosexuals in the army, I met a lovely girl who was almost the stereotype of a ‘bull dyke’. She could drink most blokes under the table, was a big strong lass and said that she would gladly let Angelina Jolie do lots of naughty things to her. And do them to her in return. And she didn’t care, nor really did the army, as long as you didn’t let it interrupt your work or professional career/life.
But I never came out. Never spoke to anyone about it, not my friends, not my colleauges, zip.
I was a corporal so I had my own room and thanks to the internet I was able to look at porn and stuff but I never went to a gay bar (still never have, and I’m 35) never spoke to anyone about it, although some may have suspected, I’m very hard to detect on gaydar (more on that later).
I did that for 9 years. Including deployments to Bosnia, Cyprus and 6 months in Iraq which were far from pleasant.
And when I left I went home again, living back with my parents but I was already getting antsy, my Mum can be very..smothering at times, and we rowed a lot, after 9 years of being independent I hated that I was being mothered or treated like a retarded 6 year old.
But still I didn’t come out.
And then came World of Warcraft, I started playing the game and got hooked, and got into a guild where I met and talked with a lot of folks, quite a few of whom were openly gay and RPed gay characters.
And I got to talking, very carefully at first, still unsure of what to say, how to broach the subject. So I made an Orc Rogue who was gay. He was everything I’m not, he was proud of who he was, if you mocked him for his sexuality he’d thump you, he didn’t care what people thought of him, he was himself, and that was what mattered.
I realised that I was unhappy, that I wanted to talk about my sexuality. At this time I was working for the Met Police in London and one of the other admin staff there, a lovely lass and her now wife (a man who fully transitioned into a woman) became firm friends.
We was both geeks, talking about stuff like Battlestar Galactica (the new one) or comics and sci-fi and I broached my still deeply closeted homosexuality with her. Finally, I was able to talk with someone about my sexuality without being scared I’d drive them away or make them angry at me.
After this and with her full support I started talking about it more, with her, with my friends in WoW where I first actually came out and got lots of support and kind words.
But I was still scared, still scared my friends would shun me, turn their backs and of course, what would my parents think of me? I honestly though I would have been kicked out.
So eventually, I broached the subject with my sister, who had moved out and was engaged. She was very supportive and said I was ‘brave’ for coming out and asked if I’d told mum and dad. Of course I’d not, how do you do that? Seriously like how, you can’t just turn up with a man on your arm and when they open the door, kiss, fully,with tongue. Can you? Damned If I knew!
But then crunch time.
Mum found some pictures I had printed out and hidden away whilst she was doing a quick blitz tidy up of my room.
I come home and mum and dad are both sat in the living room and ask to talk with me.
My heart falls into my gut and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“ANON is there anything you want to talk to us about?” Said my Dad
Its then that I spot the pictures. Shit, games up, totally and utterly.
And so I sat down, shaking, white as a sheet and said that I was gay. My dad didn’t say anything, whilst my mum looked appalled. I got the usual questions ‘are you sure?’ ‘how do you know’ ‘are you sure its not a phase’ and I answered them as best I could.
And then, my mum said “Perhaps this is punishment…” she said, sobbing already.
“Punishment for what?”
They looked at each other for a long moment and then my dad started talking. Turns out there had been another kid. Born before my Sister, when my mum and dad lived at my Dad’s parents house. They had no home, no job, no way to care for it.
So they had the baby aborted very very very early on.
And my Mum was raised a Catholic (even if she was about as religious as a plastic bag, and my Dad’s agnostic). And she said, crying now “Perhaps this is gods punishment for that…”
It was the worst thing I’ve ever had said to me.
Ever.
I’ve been called a lot, but to hear that from my mum’s lips..that I’m ‘punishment’…yeah…I apologised again and again, I was crying now and then my Dad spoke up and said
“ANON’S MUM don’t be fucking stupid, if that’s god then he can fuck off.” He looked at me “How long?”
“Since a young age, and for sure since joining the army.”
“How did you not get found out?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Anything?”
“nothing, no one to speak to, didn’t go to any places, nothing.”
“For all that time.”
“Yeah…”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Well Dad..you’re hardly the most liberal person, I see you talking about ‘fucking poofs’ and ‘faggots’ and here’s me as one of those.”
“ANON you’re a stupid bastard. Did you think I would go ‘get ye hence forth and never darken my door again?”
“Yeah…I thought you would..you seem to hate gays.”
“ANON you’re my son…I’d not kick you out..now give your mum a hug.”
Mum at this point is in full blown crying mode. She had this vision of grand children on her knee and she’s not getting any with my Sister because her and her hubby are emigrating to Australia, and she’s not getting any off me. Kids are too fucking expensive, noisy and a pain in the arse, I’d rather have a cat, or some goldfish.
I went to hug my mum and she shied away from me, this look of…fear in her eyes. I still blame it on shock and think really that’s what it is.
After that, it became the 600lb Gorilla in the room that was NEVER discussed. But I came out to my friends, and they were fine with it and life seemed to go on. I talk about my homosexuality with my parents a bit more, mainly to reassure my mum that i'm not 'sleeping around' or 'doing anything silly' although she does worry that i'm lonely and we talk about that. It was still a very painful few months, but fortunately I got a job that saw me move out and I have my own place now and am no longer arguing with my mum about everything (seriously, she got her knickers in a twist because I didn't iron my socks!)
But I’ve still never been to a gay bar, I’m in a long term and long distance relationship, have been for 6 years now. My boyfriend calls me an ‘executive homosexual’. Meaning that unless I tell you, you’d not know. I became so good at hiding what I was that I’m not on folks gaydar. Now though I tell people I’m gay if they ask, but I don’t go around with a gay pride shirt on or something. I’m still that boy from Essex who is in the closet, unless I’m talking with friends, or browsing the net. I don’t know why, I guess I’m so use to being what I was like, that it’s the norm, that I’m just like that, I’m not a very ‘out there’ person.
I dunno why I wrote this, I’m sure people will accuse me of having privaliage (yes I am white and grew up in a mostly white town and there were very few PoC at school) and yes I’m still a nerd, I love 40k, I love sci-fi and games and reading.
So yeah, that’s me. That’s what I am.
I hope things are still good with you and you enjoy who you are. Live your life how you want it and enjoy it! That's what really matters!
but it must have been awefull, never been able to talk about it, or getting kicked out of the army just for who you were... bullshit! but at least you can be yourself now, that's at least something ^^
as for the whole gay bar thing, never really been to one myself. but don't really have the need for it. been out to a club twice in my life, hated every second of it, so i don't think a gay bar is going to improve much on things. mostly introvert, preferring my games/internet and such over being out and social, drinking to a point where i can't remember anything.... seeing that's what a lot of people seem to do ><
your not alone dude we all here for you!
I play wow to and i tend be on my panda toons.
Between the macho dads and the very religious mothers..
When everything fell out for me during spring break in college.. they were devastated.
It's still that sort of.. elephant in the room but we can visit at least.
Going to a gay bar, looking gay, sounding gay, whatever.
That isn't what defines us.
We like what we like and like your rogue, we oughtta be able to stand up for that.
As long as you can be happy with you, that's all that matters.
And if people wanna pull privilege crap on you, well you served in the fuckin' army so they're privileged to have a damn leg to stand on.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
It helps knowing we're not alone.
These crazy kids are going to regret it but by then its going to be too late.
*hugs* and be yourself aka strong.
I feel like we share some things. Parents that may not accept how we are (dad in my case), fear of being rejected, introvert behave... Well, at least i didn't came out so early, when homo stuff was such a taboo.
You really must have been through a lot, bud. Thanks for sharing it
And are you still a cop? And formerly a solider? WOOF!
My story isn't that much different. My overly dramatic mother said she was going to "take all the pills I've lined up on my bureau tonight..." then turned and pointed at my dad. "And YOU'RE coming with me!"
He just nodded. Ha! They didn't though.
I hear things are MUCH better for young gays growing up. So much so that I think we're in danger of losing gay "culture" like bars and whatnot, but sounds like you weren't/aren't part of that.
Why DID you write this? I think maybe you're still unhappy. I'm worried about that long-distance relationship stuff..
We had similarities, though I was never in the military.
I came out when I was 33, was in a long distance relationship for about nine months.
I am very out, and I've been with my man (now my husband) for 28 years, and yes, I am 63 years old. I love WoW, and I'm in a gay guild there. I also read a lot, especially scifi.
We're founding members of the Orlando Gay Chorus, and we have close friends from the chorus, and also from when we were in a gay bowling league.
So make sure you get out and socialize. It doesn't have to be at a gay bar, but they can be fun, if you go there with the right mindset.
Just be proud of who you are, read about our history, and love yourself!