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Story feedback needed!
9 years ago
General
Hi gang.
While I'm finishing up the short story I mentioned last weekend, I was inspired to dredge up and repair another that have been sitting on my harddrive for a few months. It's the one that prompted me to get a breast-expansion sequence of the protagonist, a space pirate called Zara. I want to get back into this one and finish it.
I'm looking for any sort of feedback that you can give me. Too much/too little setup/etc. When I was working on it last and got to the sex-scene, something felt off to me, but I couldn't put my finger on any one thing and I abandoned it. I'm thinking of rewriting the entire sex scene, maybe framing it differently.
I also thought to change Zara's species a little bit - in the story, she's addicted to body-enhancing drugs (essentially giving temporary hyper growth), but aside from that I wanted to make her species known for their sexual prowess. To add to that, I thought of making it so that they have a limited amount of transformative capability, changing subtly to whatever their partner prefers and thus making them more attractive to even a diverse crowd.
Anyhow, link is here. Feedback very much appreciated!
http://pastebin.com/XC2XV5BG
While I'm finishing up the short story I mentioned last weekend, I was inspired to dredge up and repair another that have been sitting on my harddrive for a few months. It's the one that prompted me to get a breast-expansion sequence of the protagonist, a space pirate called Zara. I want to get back into this one and finish it.
I'm looking for any sort of feedback that you can give me. Too much/too little setup/etc. When I was working on it last and got to the sex-scene, something felt off to me, but I couldn't put my finger on any one thing and I abandoned it. I'm thinking of rewriting the entire sex scene, maybe framing it differently.
I also thought to change Zara's species a little bit - in the story, she's addicted to body-enhancing drugs (essentially giving temporary hyper growth), but aside from that I wanted to make her species known for their sexual prowess. To add to that, I thought of making it so that they have a limited amount of transformative capability, changing subtly to whatever their partner prefers and thus making them more attractive to even a diverse crowd.
Anyhow, link is here. Feedback very much appreciated!
http://pastebin.com/XC2XV5BG
Another problem I noticed were the character dialogue and reactions, they felt a little...flat when talking with one another. Little to no diversity, it felt like it was being used just to get it out of the way. And one or two of their reactions felt a little forced, like their character wasn't established to say that, nor did any action before the line indicate any hidden depths
The actions and reactions were good when they were being used more than the dialogue to move things along, and naturally this made the sexual parts to be enjoyable.
Apart from that I spotted a few grammatical mistakes.
...So yeah, those are my thoughts on the WiP, take it as you will.
There's no sense of urgency. I could add one, but that might lead to an entirely different story.
Aside from that, I think I have plenty of things to trim and cut.