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I've never had a Birthday Party... T^T
9 years ago
I woke up with this on my mind this morning for some reason, and it's true. I've never had an honest to goodness Birthday party, surprise or otherwise, never got taken to Pizza-Hut or Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate the day /I/ was born. Never had a birthday cake that said "Happy Birthday (Name) with candles to blow out. Maybe it has something to do with my birthday being the day after Christmas, but even people who are born on odd days or who's birthdays fall on day when it's rainy or cold tend to get a day in the future set aside to celebrate.
It's one of the dozens of little things that come together to make me feel like a lesser person than other people, like always getting picked last for team sports and or being mid-sentence and it's like you weren't speaking at all because someone else just starts talking like what you were saying didn't matter at all.
I know you guys can't do anything about it but I think everyone but me has had at least on birthday party, that single day out of the 365 in a year to be made to feel special and loved like the day is all for you, but I've never felt that way even when I was younger.
Of course it one of things that when you complain about it everyone figures you're just being petty or whiny, or when you have to say something about something you think people would remember it just takes all the special-ness out of it and makes it feel forced and bad. So it's just left to fester, and become another thing that adds to the slowly building negative emotional toll. It takes a small toll on self-esteem, self-confidence, motivation, all of it adds together. Why draw? It'll just end in disappointment. Why go to college? I'll still be broke. Why is that stupid sun shining so brightly? Can't it see I'm hurting inside? (of course the sun isn't sentient or all-knowing). Why bother with any of thos when in the end I still just feel like I wasted my time doing these things, only to remain unhappy
I mean sure I'm an adult now but just once in my life maybe?
Anyways this is just a little rant that was on my mind this morning. Just be aware when I come to my journal to vent and complain, it's because a thousand little needle points have gotten me to the breaking point again and I need to do something or I'll explode or something.
It's one of the dozens of little things that come together to make me feel like a lesser person than other people, like always getting picked last for team sports and or being mid-sentence and it's like you weren't speaking at all because someone else just starts talking like what you were saying didn't matter at all.
I know you guys can't do anything about it but I think everyone but me has had at least on birthday party, that single day out of the 365 in a year to be made to feel special and loved like the day is all for you, but I've never felt that way even when I was younger.
Of course it one of things that when you complain about it everyone figures you're just being petty or whiny, or when you have to say something about something you think people would remember it just takes all the special-ness out of it and makes it feel forced and bad. So it's just left to fester, and become another thing that adds to the slowly building negative emotional toll. It takes a small toll on self-esteem, self-confidence, motivation, all of it adds together. Why draw? It'll just end in disappointment. Why go to college? I'll still be broke. Why is that stupid sun shining so brightly? Can't it see I'm hurting inside? (of course the sun isn't sentient or all-knowing). Why bother with any of thos when in the end I still just feel like I wasted my time doing these things, only to remain unhappy
I mean sure I'm an adult now but just once in my life maybe?
Anyways this is just a little rant that was on my mind this morning. Just be aware when I come to my journal to vent and complain, it's because a thousand little needle points have gotten me to the breaking point again and I need to do something or I'll explode or something.
We've gotta change that and give you a real one.
I think I had a couple of real ones, when I was little, but just like with Christmas or other holidays, everything just kinda felt forced.
Then at 14, I got treated badly / mean for my birthday, and then all birthdays and holidays stopped after that.
Some people can be so... ugh.
When is your birthday by the way?