Snugs a wizz'yote!

I don't know if I've ever started out with any significantly excessive preconceptions about possible amour in my life; I've had one girlfriend, briefly, who was and is also in Furry, and while there is (as far as I know) no bad blood between us, we don't have a lot of contact at the moment. That much is safe to chalk up as it's been almost twenty years since we broke up, and both of us have moved on with our lives as individuals. I consider her a positive acquaintance, in any case.

I think if there's anything like the kind of self-doubt I can hear coming from your journal, Wiz, it's probably my internal debate regarding what real place I have in a particular fandom I'm part of (not Furry, it's even more vintage than my being in Fur fandom) if any at this point. I recently parted ways (voluntarily) with a fan forumboard regarding a role-playing game company and their games that I've had no luck with involving myself in the context of any discussion nor had any exchange with anyone on that 'board for more than a year now. I spent a chunk of yesterday pondering something specific which I think had been percolating in me for a while, given how smoothly the thought process between my ears ran, and I don't know how much of it was 'They'll be sorry they told me to go screw myself someday!' but rather: 'How many potential Isaac Asimovs and Ben Bovas and William Gibsons may we have lost because they gave up trying?' I'm not trying to put myself on a pedestal or anything, but what it meant to me was that I dove into the aforementioned forums with a lot of ideas, considerably improved artwork and finished pieces, two book-length novel submissions (both of which are almost complete and short of the editing/tidying stage) and ended up with a year of nobody saying anything at all, even if I kept it to just active conversation (and not 'I think I'm just the best possible author out there!'). There just isn't enough spirit in me for the games involved and what I might be able to add to them to want to do so at this point.

I'm not going to stop writing and drawing by any means, and I'm going to finish those two novels. What I feel like is that I'd be being dishonest if I submitted any of it with an enthusiasm that isn't anything more than artifice and some externalization of a 'responsibility to the medium' without faith in the subject matter. If I were the publisher and owner (in this case, they're the same person) would I want someone to submit what might (potentially) be something really special but was only doing it because they were twisting their own arms to avoid not doing so?

Owp, I'm just reading over what I've typed above and I'm thinking it sounds pretty depressing. I'm not upset or anything, Wiz, so don't worry about that. Sorry if the above might've sounded that way. If anything I'm disappointed in the circumstances that brought me away from those Forums, because the games involved had been a part of my life longer than I've been an active science-fiction or Furry fan.

-2Paw.

Strangely enough, I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum, Twopaw. I've loved many and lost all. I'm still close friends with several of them and stay in contact as best can. The Journal was more about the confusion during than the loss after. The plethora of comedy done about the craziness of relationships abound and bespeak volumes about just how convoluted relationships can be. Crazier still are the many that either brag about, write about, or talk about how they've 'figured it out' and obviously have not. I readily accept my lack of understanding as a part of the deal. Sometimes the answers to life (and love) are not in the back of the book and we're left to flounder on our own. I'm really okay with not knowing the answers. And if I DO have a regret it's that, occasionally, I'd like to get one right.