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Am I... repulsive...?
9 years ago
I don't really like writing journals, and I realize I'm probably not going to get any sympathy from anybody here, but damn, I just can't stand keeping stuff like this bottled up.
So I have extremely bad luck with women. No, not sometimes. Not all the time. EVERY time.
I don't know what it is about me, if it's my personality, the way I look, or what, women just seem to find me disgusting. And it really, really bothers me because I don't know why. I'm heterosexual, and I've seriously had better luck in relationships with MEN.
Yeah. Even though I don't... eh. GO that way. Just out of fucking loneliness, I have defied my own sexuality. True story.
I'm sure the more perceptive of you realize a melancholy mood swing like this is usually brought about by a particular event, so I guess I'll rant about that too. Earlier today I was rummaging about the page of a popular artist (whose name I will not mention out of respect) and you know, they were a female artist. Yes, on furaffinity.
I don't have to tell you guys how rare it is to come across a legit furry girl, so I guess every time I see one, I get kinda flirty, drop them compliments, or let them know how appealing a women with such tendencies is to a guy like me, who is single, straight, and part of a minority like the furry fandom.
I do that, SOMETIMES. If I'm feeling bold. I just can't help myself. This time, due to the artists... erh, irl attractiveness and popularity on this site, I tried to say something that would compliment her on that without seeming too invasive, and literally also specifically said that I was not trying to flirt.
So maybe that wasn't entirely true, but still, it was said. Just to make my comments seem less... off-putting.
*Sigh*
You're probably thinking, "Oh shit, she told him to fuck off."
Hah! I wish. If that was the case, I could just laugh it off and tell myself she was some kind of huge bitch that can't take a compliment from the opposite sex. No, instead, a multitude of comments that I left (and not just the quote-unquote 'flirtatious' ones) were either hidden or removed, like she just wanted to forget I ever said anything, or was one of her watchers at all.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. I feel like there is a remote possibility that the comment I left was a compliment of a slightly more personal nature that she possibly was just too embarrassed to let others see, but a larger part of me just feels like I weirded her out, and she just kind of brushed me under the rug and left it at that, cuz she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Ugh, but that hurts my feelings even worse, you know????
To make it worse, she doesn't allow the sending of notes, so I can't make any sort of apology to her for overstepping my bounds, and if she hid my other comments on a post, I wouldn't DARE try to apologize for something in a shout... I'm sure I'd get blocked, and that would kill me.
I've never unwatched anyone in my life, because I thought it was disrespectful, but now I kinda see what it's there for. To save the both of us further embarrassment, I unwatched for the first time ever, and GOD I hope the last time. I feel like I don't deserve to watch her anyway, if I can't even stop trying to use this website as my own twisted version of furfling.
So anyway, long story short, I don't really get that upset when big, horrible things happens to me, but for some reason or another, little shit like that makes me want to jump off a damn bridge. Pathetic, right? It's stuff like this that makes me feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And I'm a scorpio. We can't function without romance of some sort, at some point.
I feel a little better getting it off my chest though. Heh, when I see other people write journals like this, I'm all like "Ugh, cry me a river, you emo fag!" And here I am, writing one myself.
I don't want to feel like a hypocrite, so if you want to call me an emo fag, go ahead X3
Honestly, now that I've ranted about it a bit, I don't even think I need pity or sympathy from you guys. What I want...
What I want is to cheer up. I love you guys for taking the time to read this, really. Don't feel pressured to comment. I honestly just feel better knowing you took the time to give me a theoretical shoulder to cry on.
Kay, that's really it. I'm going to go smoke a fucking cigarette now.
So I have extremely bad luck with women. No, not sometimes. Not all the time. EVERY time.
I don't know what it is about me, if it's my personality, the way I look, or what, women just seem to find me disgusting. And it really, really bothers me because I don't know why. I'm heterosexual, and I've seriously had better luck in relationships with MEN.
Yeah. Even though I don't... eh. GO that way. Just out of fucking loneliness, I have defied my own sexuality. True story.
I'm sure the more perceptive of you realize a melancholy mood swing like this is usually brought about by a particular event, so I guess I'll rant about that too. Earlier today I was rummaging about the page of a popular artist (whose name I will not mention out of respect) and you know, they were a female artist. Yes, on furaffinity.
I don't have to tell you guys how rare it is to come across a legit furry girl, so I guess every time I see one, I get kinda flirty, drop them compliments, or let them know how appealing a women with such tendencies is to a guy like me, who is single, straight, and part of a minority like the furry fandom.
I do that, SOMETIMES. If I'm feeling bold. I just can't help myself. This time, due to the artists... erh, irl attractiveness and popularity on this site, I tried to say something that would compliment her on that without seeming too invasive, and literally also specifically said that I was not trying to flirt.
So maybe that wasn't entirely true, but still, it was said. Just to make my comments seem less... off-putting.
*Sigh*
You're probably thinking, "Oh shit, she told him to fuck off."
Hah! I wish. If that was the case, I could just laugh it off and tell myself she was some kind of huge bitch that can't take a compliment from the opposite sex. No, instead, a multitude of comments that I left (and not just the quote-unquote 'flirtatious' ones) were either hidden or removed, like she just wanted to forget I ever said anything, or was one of her watchers at all.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. I feel like there is a remote possibility that the comment I left was a compliment of a slightly more personal nature that she possibly was just too embarrassed to let others see, but a larger part of me just feels like I weirded her out, and she just kind of brushed me under the rug and left it at that, cuz she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Ugh, but that hurts my feelings even worse, you know????
To make it worse, she doesn't allow the sending of notes, so I can't make any sort of apology to her for overstepping my bounds, and if she hid my other comments on a post, I wouldn't DARE try to apologize for something in a shout... I'm sure I'd get blocked, and that would kill me.
I've never unwatched anyone in my life, because I thought it was disrespectful, but now I kinda see what it's there for. To save the both of us further embarrassment, I unwatched for the first time ever, and GOD I hope the last time. I feel like I don't deserve to watch her anyway, if I can't even stop trying to use this website as my own twisted version of furfling.
So anyway, long story short, I don't really get that upset when big, horrible things happens to me, but for some reason or another, little shit like that makes me want to jump off a damn bridge. Pathetic, right? It's stuff like this that makes me feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And I'm a scorpio. We can't function without romance of some sort, at some point.
I feel a little better getting it off my chest though. Heh, when I see other people write journals like this, I'm all like "Ugh, cry me a river, you emo fag!" And here I am, writing one myself.
I don't want to feel like a hypocrite, so if you want to call me an emo fag, go ahead X3
Honestly, now that I've ranted about it a bit, I don't even think I need pity or sympathy from you guys. What I want...
What I want is to cheer up. I love you guys for taking the time to read this, really. Don't feel pressured to comment. I honestly just feel better knowing you took the time to give me a theoretical shoulder to cry on.
Kay, that's really it. I'm going to go smoke a fucking cigarette now.
