We as people and living creatures are not perfect, but faltered by the creation and concept of “emotions” or “feelings.” And no matter what we do, we sometimes feel captured and imprisoned by those emotions that we have create within ourselves. They are bought out by the best, and worst of the encounters we have in everyday life. It just sucks to know that some of us are hit by them harder than others.


At first I would have these moments are work, or while in a room I use to know. I would grasp for some oxygen to fill my gasping lungs. I would find my chest burning with uncontrollable doubt, and my body shook with quacking fear. Uncontrollable thoughts of someone else in the bed where I use to lay my head, would cloud my judgment of reality…. because in my world, that was my new reality. The arms that would lovingly wrap around me, had a new gem to cling to. Within 2 days…..I became nothing and my body couldn’t handle it, all because I had emotions and feelings.


I remember the nightmares. I remember the lies. I remember taking the blame for everything ending, and never letting you understand the hurt I was going through. I remember crying and sobbing, while you were smiling and laughing, and even cooking with a new soul that had pushed me out. I remember watching as you held her and went to comfort her….. while I was alone. I remember every little darkness that would inch its way into my very being because I was thrown out like trash. I remember sitting on those tracks waiting for a feeling of release from an icy grip that held my heart…. And I remember standing up because giving up felt too easy a way.


4 months later and those emotions don’t bother me so much. Yet every now and then like crashing waves over the sand, confusion and resentment fill me to the brim. And it almost seems as if I am no closer to an understanding as to “why” everything happened the way it did. I have people who care about me, and a family that reminds me I’m going to be ok. But it’s hard to erase almost 3 years of your life. I still cry over us. I still worry you’re not ok and hurt. I still wonder if I ever cross your mind…or even the idea of us. But I sadly have to take all those thoughts and feelings and bury them deep into a grave that I will never allow myself to find again. And even though I put a smile on for those around me, and I am CRYING and SCREAMING on the inside….
I know I am the only one with open wounds…..


“Happy new year!” or even “happy birthday” can sometimes fill us with a false light with the hope of “change”. We stop and take a moment to think, “Just 1 more year…” Maybe it’s to encourage our minds to keep pushing, because the soul is starting to wear down from attempting to keep the spark ignited within. Maybe for me…..it was in hopes to not hear the words “It’s over, and I can’t be with you.” You see I’m one of those poor, unfortunate souls, who was trying to grasp onto something that wasn’t there. For me, I wanted to keep something going that wasn’t real, all because I too am faltered with feelings.