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Whats been eating me
9 years ago
KZKVI QZN WRKKVI HZBH: "ZFFTSDCJSTZWHZWFS!"
My birthday is coming up and people that know me and have known me for a while know that I have always hated my birthday. When I was young only one person was willing to show up to my birthday party. Others had excuses or were forced to show up by their mothers or something. My last birthday party was in 4th grade, after that I ignored it and said that I was better off not having one. It was just close friends and family on a weekend and yes, that was better then trying to get people to come over. However, still didn't enjoy them.
All of High school I kept my Birthday secret from the few friends and the girlfriend (in like 11th grade) I had. Only one person knew when my birthday was and after trying to do something in 8th grade and watching me breakdown and almost die he never did it again. During this time it was because I didn't think that I had friends and was afraid of the whole event being a joke on my behalf and that people only showed up because some reason.
After I was done with school and into the college years, it was once again a secret, never told anyone even when I was friends with a good 10 people in my class and another 5 out of class. One person even asked after being there for a year when my birthday was. Being a furry (and they knew) I told him that I was never born, just hatched. He said he gave up and we had a hatching day on a random day, it was kind of fun but still slightly triggered me because I knew 15 of the people that were in class when it happened just got trapped in with it and went with everything.
After college it was back to normal with nothing going on, just the way I wanted it. Just give me my card and let me be, (sad thing is, I did cash some of the checks and gave the money back by putting it somewhere or making smaller bills and randomly putting the money back in a wallet or somewhere that they keep money. Dad got a roll of quarters every week till the 100 was returned and grandpa got random 5's in random places.) and that isn't the end of everything. It got worse and was fueled by someone. Yes, the damage was already done, the damage was there just waiting to be made worse. Sure enough it happened and only one person here will know what happened.
I will not get into the story of my ex-wife. Some know what happened and a few have seen first hand what was done and said. I won't get into it here because she likes to read things and tell everyone something different, so just not going to get into it. All I will say is that my last birthday was the worst. she went out with some girl that she was seeing on the side while seeing someone on the side and yes, I knew of them and everything that went on, its just the fact that I requested her to be with me that day and she told me was was going to drink but wouldn't drink that much. I had to pick her up shit faced drunk, the 17 mile drive home was filled with drunken slurs about how she loved me and how awesome I was. I knew she was lying but just told her to be quite and that she had to wake up and go to work in the morning. The next day, on my birthday I took her to work and 2 hours later I had to pick her up and take her to the ER where we waited 3 hours to find out that she was just dehydrated. Birthday was ruined and the thing that hurts the most is that the next week, my grandpa died. He was looking forward to going out to eat but had to sit in the ER with her to be told what I knew. This hurts me to this day, I still have the card from grandma and grandpa. its not signed by grandpa himself but still, the last one that I got with him still on it.
This all comes to today. No, its not my birthday and to the few that know when it is, please, just don't. I will be 30, I live in my parents basement, I work a shit job that stresses me out but getting to the point that I don't care anymore. This is not about work, I will save that for when I get fired for blowing up at someone and slapping them with the grease brush or do something else that will get me fired. I feel that I owe everyone a debt. I could have met you at the last convention and owe you nothing but still feel that I owe you something. After all the years of not being worth someones time i've told myself enough to believe that i'm not worth anyone's time. I do things for people for no reason and put myself second. I push all my anxiety to the side to pay for things for someone for no reason because I feel that they are more important then myself. I tried to get better this year as I know the people around me are happy to be around me, but once again, this year, I just can't. I want nothing from everyone. If you must spend the money on something, buy something for yourself. if you must spend the time on me, spend it on someone else. I just don't want to deal with it, It causes too much anxiety and and causes me to run and hide.
I had to get this out, I was on auto pilot when I wrote most of this because from the stress of today and people bugging me and saying that they want to do something. I can't, and I won't. I already have a plan in place if something were to happen. As I finish this, my hands shake, have to retype every other word because how much fear and anxiety is taking over. I'm going to try and eat, and going to get ready for bed.
Danger to myself is non-existent so don't freak out. I know this is a bump in life, I will get over it but it will be hard.
All of High school I kept my Birthday secret from the few friends and the girlfriend (in like 11th grade) I had. Only one person knew when my birthday was and after trying to do something in 8th grade and watching me breakdown and almost die he never did it again. During this time it was because I didn't think that I had friends and was afraid of the whole event being a joke on my behalf and that people only showed up because some reason.
After I was done with school and into the college years, it was once again a secret, never told anyone even when I was friends with a good 10 people in my class and another 5 out of class. One person even asked after being there for a year when my birthday was. Being a furry (and they knew) I told him that I was never born, just hatched. He said he gave up and we had a hatching day on a random day, it was kind of fun but still slightly triggered me because I knew 15 of the people that were in class when it happened just got trapped in with it and went with everything.
After college it was back to normal with nothing going on, just the way I wanted it. Just give me my card and let me be, (sad thing is, I did cash some of the checks and gave the money back by putting it somewhere or making smaller bills and randomly putting the money back in a wallet or somewhere that they keep money. Dad got a roll of quarters every week till the 100 was returned and grandpa got random 5's in random places.) and that isn't the end of everything. It got worse and was fueled by someone. Yes, the damage was already done, the damage was there just waiting to be made worse. Sure enough it happened and only one person here will know what happened.
I will not get into the story of my ex-wife. Some know what happened and a few have seen first hand what was done and said. I won't get into it here because she likes to read things and tell everyone something different, so just not going to get into it. All I will say is that my last birthday was the worst. she went out with some girl that she was seeing on the side while seeing someone on the side and yes, I knew of them and everything that went on, its just the fact that I requested her to be with me that day and she told me was was going to drink but wouldn't drink that much. I had to pick her up shit faced drunk, the 17 mile drive home was filled with drunken slurs about how she loved me and how awesome I was. I knew she was lying but just told her to be quite and that she had to wake up and go to work in the morning. The next day, on my birthday I took her to work and 2 hours later I had to pick her up and take her to the ER where we waited 3 hours to find out that she was just dehydrated. Birthday was ruined and the thing that hurts the most is that the next week, my grandpa died. He was looking forward to going out to eat but had to sit in the ER with her to be told what I knew. This hurts me to this day, I still have the card from grandma and grandpa. its not signed by grandpa himself but still, the last one that I got with him still on it.
This all comes to today. No, its not my birthday and to the few that know when it is, please, just don't. I will be 30, I live in my parents basement, I work a shit job that stresses me out but getting to the point that I don't care anymore. This is not about work, I will save that for when I get fired for blowing up at someone and slapping them with the grease brush or do something else that will get me fired. I feel that I owe everyone a debt. I could have met you at the last convention and owe you nothing but still feel that I owe you something. After all the years of not being worth someones time i've told myself enough to believe that i'm not worth anyone's time. I do things for people for no reason and put myself second. I push all my anxiety to the side to pay for things for someone for no reason because I feel that they are more important then myself. I tried to get better this year as I know the people around me are happy to be around me, but once again, this year, I just can't. I want nothing from everyone. If you must spend the money on something, buy something for yourself. if you must spend the time on me, spend it on someone else. I just don't want to deal with it, It causes too much anxiety and and causes me to run and hide.
I had to get this out, I was on auto pilot when I wrote most of this because from the stress of today and people bugging me and saying that they want to do something. I can't, and I won't. I already have a plan in place if something were to happen. As I finish this, my hands shake, have to retype every other word because how much fear and anxiety is taking over. I'm going to try and eat, and going to get ready for bed.
Danger to myself is non-existent so don't freak out. I know this is a bump in life, I will get over it but it will be hard.
