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Because I...
9 years ago
You know the feeling when you've been at the same dead end job for over 10 years and though you put yourself out there and apply to other (better) jobs, you never hear anything back? And you try to cling to some sort of hope, but every day is just a wash of other human beings shitting on your spirit for 8 hours a day...5 days a week... And you feel crushed by the weight of not knowing why you can't seem to get interviews for these better jobs. You start feeling like maybe you're not worthy of anything better...and then you look at your coworker who is over 60 years old and still stuck in retail and your heart clenches knowing you couldn't possibly bear to be in this place for that long...
You know the feeling when you pay and you pay, but still the debt keeps stacking up because shit is expensive nowadays and god knows your dead end job isn't paying you much at all (or keeping up with the rising cost of bills, groceries, and gas). And you think about getting a second job...just something simple and part time that would help boost your income. But your first job kicks the shit out of you enough day to day that the thought of going anywhere else and dealing with the same piece of shit customers leaves you feeling exhausted and trapped...
And then maybe you have a little boost of money. A parent helps you out and you try throwing the money at some medical bills which have piled up and some of which have even gone to collections. And that's great! Finally some relief that at least a handful of issues have been resolved. Except, these weren't your bills. These were expenses generated by someone who has been made well aware that they have some problems to work on. And yet, they ignore these doctors' advice...because it would mean an end to drinking, to smoking, to the starting of diets and exercise to bring blood pressure down and strengthen a heart too young to be suffering in this way. And every day you're haunted by the nagging worry that the longer this all goes on, the more likely it becomes that more medical bills will pile up. Or worse, a medical emergency... Or even worse than that...a death.
And what would you do with yourself if that happened? What would you do without your partner? Life is already hard enough without suddenly finding yourself...alone.
You know the feeling when you pay and you pay, but still the debt keeps stacking up because shit is expensive nowadays and god knows your dead end job isn't paying you much at all (or keeping up with the rising cost of bills, groceries, and gas). And you think about getting a second job...just something simple and part time that would help boost your income. But your first job kicks the shit out of you enough day to day that the thought of going anywhere else and dealing with the same piece of shit customers leaves you feeling exhausted and trapped...
And then maybe you have a little boost of money. A parent helps you out and you try throwing the money at some medical bills which have piled up and some of which have even gone to collections. And that's great! Finally some relief that at least a handful of issues have been resolved. Except, these weren't your bills. These were expenses generated by someone who has been made well aware that they have some problems to work on. And yet, they ignore these doctors' advice...because it would mean an end to drinking, to smoking, to the starting of diets and exercise to bring blood pressure down and strengthen a heart too young to be suffering in this way. And every day you're haunted by the nagging worry that the longer this all goes on, the more likely it becomes that more medical bills will pile up. Or worse, a medical emergency... Or even worse than that...a death.
And what would you do with yourself if that happened? What would you do without your partner? Life is already hard enough without suddenly finding yourself...alone.
...
And the worst...is that you realize that you are to blame for all of this.
Because you said, "I'll take the job!" years and years ago...
Because you said, "I do!" years and years ago...
These problems are mine. And either I will bury them...or they will bury me...
I hope this and a possible move to a new state will start a new and better chapter in my life.
I don't know what the answers are in your situation but I hope you find them.
That said if you ever want someone to talk to about anything feel free to message me. I'm happy to listen.
If his health was to fail, I would be out of a home and potentially stuck back with my parents. Which, after avoiding such a failure for over 10 years...that'd be an awful thing to have to step down to. That and our financial situation is already tedious. Any major event, be it medical or funeral related, would sink me for years to come.
But, all that aside, I love the stupid fox and I hope he sticks around...