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To all my followers, friends, & all you awesome peeps!
9 years ago
Hey everyone!
I know its been.... Years XD since I have posted much of anything here on Furaffinity. I have been on hiatus time and time again. Without going into too much detail it has been a busy n arduous road in the life of this Wind Dragon. Much of my focus has been on working full time, balancing school, while still getting my social life on with friends, family, and pride. While I do indeed feel accomplished with what I have done in terms of personal growth and professional growth in a company I love, I have been feeling more and more empty for neglecting a big part of myself.
This part being Tsukaza, and all characters I have created that I love fantasizing about and who unlock a rather large part of my happiness to live through. Even though I have continued having Tsukaza as my primary character, even having most the people I know call me by Tsukaza, growing up and developing into the adult that I have become more and more numb to how happy Tsukaza and co made me. They just didn't give me the same kinda joy or excitement in the stories and scenes I put em in, with the friends that I have met, and the worlds we intermingled and explored together. I have put it in sort of a backseat, in lieu of focusing on Derek, in focusing on how I will grow in real life and get to the next step in life.
Ive grown so much over the years... Just reflecting now I am astonished how differently I hold myself and how reserved I have become since even the last journal I have posted. There is a very bitter side to this... I have become more cynical, depressed, and overall felt harder to feel joy in the things I used to love. I know I might be preaching to the choir on this one, from talking with older friends and family this is how life was for them as well, and you just kinda have to find the joy where you can and live with it. I didn't like this answer, every time I was told this it made me feel more trapped and scared, adding more stress to an overall busy life. I tried to just rebel against this and fake happiness, force myself to smile and be that happy go lucky guy I wanted everyone to perceive me as. Opening up about it to close friends and family did not really provide any sort of reprieve, since they were unable to give me what I really wanted, only answers I already anticipated or knew about. Despite me appreciating the support and empathy on the matter, I knew that what I wanted needed to be found in myself, I needed to find the spark that legitimately made me happy.
Embarrassingly figuring all this out took a few years XD; with both psychiatric help and medication for when my depression was crippling. However all of that was necessary to pin point the obstacles that were messing with me, and then developing plans to break them down. The greatest advice my father has ever given me was "Learn how to fall", there are so many applications for this, but the piece that I keep most dear to me is that you are the only one who can teach yourself how to fall. Others can give you their experience, but no amount of advice is going to prepare you for when you do fall, where your mindset is at when you fall, and the repercussions that hurt others for when you fall. I needed to learn how adult me had to fall, since the same way I fell when I was young no longer applied to the responsibilities and encounters I faced, and continue facing at a larger scale. As I was owning this I found out that, in rare circumstances, I actually felt legitimately happy. I not only cherished this feeling returning when it did, but I cried, I am crying a bit now remembering how much more joy this brought me, and how my spark has not fully left me. This has only been happening over the past few months, but my doctor is getting a plan going to ween me off these antidepressants, so I can own this without a crutch (not to bash the medication, I feel it in combination with my trying to resolve the issues did contribute to getting to the first step and then slowly continuing).
With that I feel my light returning to me, albeit way different than what it was like when I was younger, but gathering in strength. I also gained a great sense of independence, something that I both treasure and respect about myself. Leading me now to this journal, and a desire to want to go back to focusing on not only Tsukaza but all the continued characters that still make me happy. With my spark getting back in the game, my desire to express myself through my characters has also been ramping up! And my yearning for getting back into the community has been stronger than ever, especially with social media and all the new ways to rep up your character and world you wanna bring to the community! Its seriously exciting to me ^^ and I haven't felt this way in such a long time. Getting to do ME, getting to represent ME, and getting to hype up with everyone else as ME?! Maaaan I am so freaking pumped to see what new adventures Tsukaza and co are going to experience, and how many new people I am going to meet along the way. I still hear my reputation proceeds me... So I may have to flaunt that a little bit just to get back in the game ;).
In closing I want to thank everyone who has read through this journal, and got to see a little bit of the background of whats been up with me. Obviously so much more has changed over the years, but some things also never change. With that said I have made a decision to save this profile, and keep it almost as a memorial for how I was back in the day, a time capsule for all the cool and amazing experiences life gave me at the time. I won't really be posting anymore on here, however I will still be faving and looking into content or other peoples content on the site. Where I will be far more active will be on Twitter and Furry Network, so if you do still want to follow me and see what new and exciting adventures and worlds ill be getting into then I am honored that you want to, and am super happy to see you if you poke me on there =D. I appreciate and deeply cherish all the memories this site gave me, and love all the furs that have entered into my life from this site. You all freaking rock! And damn we are all going to continue making our legacy stronger and stronger as the years come!
Thank you for the amazing memories, and heres to them continuing towards the future~
Tsukaza Cyral
Twitter: Tsukaza_Cyral
Skype: Tsukaza_Cyral
Telegram: tsukaza
Furry Network: https://beta.furrynetwork.com/tsukaza_cyral/
I know its been.... Years XD since I have posted much of anything here on Furaffinity. I have been on hiatus time and time again. Without going into too much detail it has been a busy n arduous road in the life of this Wind Dragon. Much of my focus has been on working full time, balancing school, while still getting my social life on with friends, family, and pride. While I do indeed feel accomplished with what I have done in terms of personal growth and professional growth in a company I love, I have been feeling more and more empty for neglecting a big part of myself.
This part being Tsukaza, and all characters I have created that I love fantasizing about and who unlock a rather large part of my happiness to live through. Even though I have continued having Tsukaza as my primary character, even having most the people I know call me by Tsukaza, growing up and developing into the adult that I have become more and more numb to how happy Tsukaza and co made me. They just didn't give me the same kinda joy or excitement in the stories and scenes I put em in, with the friends that I have met, and the worlds we intermingled and explored together. I have put it in sort of a backseat, in lieu of focusing on Derek, in focusing on how I will grow in real life and get to the next step in life.
Ive grown so much over the years... Just reflecting now I am astonished how differently I hold myself and how reserved I have become since even the last journal I have posted. There is a very bitter side to this... I have become more cynical, depressed, and overall felt harder to feel joy in the things I used to love. I know I might be preaching to the choir on this one, from talking with older friends and family this is how life was for them as well, and you just kinda have to find the joy where you can and live with it. I didn't like this answer, every time I was told this it made me feel more trapped and scared, adding more stress to an overall busy life. I tried to just rebel against this and fake happiness, force myself to smile and be that happy go lucky guy I wanted everyone to perceive me as. Opening up about it to close friends and family did not really provide any sort of reprieve, since they were unable to give me what I really wanted, only answers I already anticipated or knew about. Despite me appreciating the support and empathy on the matter, I knew that what I wanted needed to be found in myself, I needed to find the spark that legitimately made me happy.
Embarrassingly figuring all this out took a few years XD; with both psychiatric help and medication for when my depression was crippling. However all of that was necessary to pin point the obstacles that were messing with me, and then developing plans to break them down. The greatest advice my father has ever given me was "Learn how to fall", there are so many applications for this, but the piece that I keep most dear to me is that you are the only one who can teach yourself how to fall. Others can give you their experience, but no amount of advice is going to prepare you for when you do fall, where your mindset is at when you fall, and the repercussions that hurt others for when you fall. I needed to learn how adult me had to fall, since the same way I fell when I was young no longer applied to the responsibilities and encounters I faced, and continue facing at a larger scale. As I was owning this I found out that, in rare circumstances, I actually felt legitimately happy. I not only cherished this feeling returning when it did, but I cried, I am crying a bit now remembering how much more joy this brought me, and how my spark has not fully left me. This has only been happening over the past few months, but my doctor is getting a plan going to ween me off these antidepressants, so I can own this without a crutch (not to bash the medication, I feel it in combination with my trying to resolve the issues did contribute to getting to the first step and then slowly continuing).
With that I feel my light returning to me, albeit way different than what it was like when I was younger, but gathering in strength. I also gained a great sense of independence, something that I both treasure and respect about myself. Leading me now to this journal, and a desire to want to go back to focusing on not only Tsukaza but all the continued characters that still make me happy. With my spark getting back in the game, my desire to express myself through my characters has also been ramping up! And my yearning for getting back into the community has been stronger than ever, especially with social media and all the new ways to rep up your character and world you wanna bring to the community! Its seriously exciting to me ^^ and I haven't felt this way in such a long time. Getting to do ME, getting to represent ME, and getting to hype up with everyone else as ME?! Maaaan I am so freaking pumped to see what new adventures Tsukaza and co are going to experience, and how many new people I am going to meet along the way. I still hear my reputation proceeds me... So I may have to flaunt that a little bit just to get back in the game ;).
In closing I want to thank everyone who has read through this journal, and got to see a little bit of the background of whats been up with me. Obviously so much more has changed over the years, but some things also never change. With that said I have made a decision to save this profile, and keep it almost as a memorial for how I was back in the day, a time capsule for all the cool and amazing experiences life gave me at the time. I won't really be posting anymore on here, however I will still be faving and looking into content or other peoples content on the site. Where I will be far more active will be on Twitter and Furry Network, so if you do still want to follow me and see what new and exciting adventures and worlds ill be getting into then I am honored that you want to, and am super happy to see you if you poke me on there =D. I appreciate and deeply cherish all the memories this site gave me, and love all the furs that have entered into my life from this site. You all freaking rock! And damn we are all going to continue making our legacy stronger and stronger as the years come!
Thank you for the amazing memories, and heres to them continuing towards the future~
Tsukaza Cyral
Twitter: Tsukaza_Cyral
Skype: Tsukaza_Cyral
Telegram: tsukaza
Furry Network: https://beta.furrynetwork.com/tsukaza_cyral/
Change is an unstoppable part of getting older, but though it's often traumatic and can bring a lot of pain, it's how we grow into our future potential and expand our minds and hearts.
I've also been struggling to reconcile the person I use to be - the person I thought I was - with the person that I am now. It's frightening having to confront ourselves and realize that we're someone else now. Maybe we're not as smart, not as strong, not as invincible as we though. But to carry your father's saying a step further, after we pick ourselves up after falling, we find that we're just that much smarter, or stronger, or that that fall we feared so much, didn't hurt us as much as we feared and we can cope with the bumps and scrapes life throws at us.
I've been very fortunate to know you as an acquaintance and friend. I hope that as time goes on, and we meet our future selves, we can carry on that friendship.
I am glad to hear you were able to overcome that feeling of fear and depression inside you and revive that spark inside you. Let that spark grow slowly until it is back to that old fire you felt years ago, you sweet wind-dragon.