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Took a break, what to do next?
9 years ago
Did anyone notice? Seems not.
I stopped being involved in the community for the past month. I stopped posting to twitter, responding to people and honestly ever checking it.
Same with FA and other social websites.
The reason being was for the past few months I've been hit with a crippling depression. No doubt a lot of this has been bought on by the big move
and change of life. But, there has been this underlying issue with the furry fandom for me which has been gradually getting worse over the past few years.
I've been trying to wrap my head around what the problem is. Why instead of feeling joy in the community I feel stress, bitterness and sadness.
I've been apart of the community since the 90's. I've always had a pleasure involving myself in it as well as contributing to it. It's always been a place
I could share my interests and find joy in performing.
However, I simply lack inspiration and feel like everything I have done over the past few years (especially with Duke) has been met with hostility.
I regret contributing and putting in effort, I simply should of just floated around in the background and enjoyed myself.
You see, I feel incredibly unwelcome these days. A lot of hate and school yard tactics is all I seem to get when I try to enjoy myself in furry.
Be it online or at conventions. I'm not talking about hatred coming from trolls, these are people with in the community itself.
I get that not everyone has to get along, or like one another. Personalities will always butt heads sometimes, but I personally will be respectful of those
I may not see eye to eye with. Especially if we have mutual friends or are in the same group.
This is the problem....
The subgroups of my interests are unwelcoming. Be it dancer furs, fat furs, inflation furs, rubber furs, party furs, music furs and so on. It seems that
a couple of influential people with in these subgroups has enough beef with me to push me out of them. Certainly expressing to others with in those groups
that I am not welcome and to avoid me.
I recently had an experience at FWA which was the nail in the coffin for me in terms of questioning why even bother with the fandom anymore.
This person, a well known fursuit performer and dancer fur. Whom I don't know, but admire and respect a great deal. I was excited to talk and meet with this person.
However, they actively shunned me, (in and out of suit). To the point where even when I said hello, they turned their back on me and didn't even respond.
What's worse. They where happy to talk to my husband and friends around me, but did the childish of thing of pretending I didn't even exist.
Perplexed by this, it nearly ruined my con to the point where I pretty much gave up suiting afterwards.
It had me questioning, why. What did I do?
I poked them via a private message after the convention and found out that circles they run in (dancer group) and they were told that I was to be avoided.
Disappointed to hear this and disappointed in that person not being able to make their own judgment about me, especially as we have plenty of mutual friends.
I guess what upset me the most from this is that this is 2016. It was clear back in 2012 into 2013 that I perhaps wasn't welcome or suited for that subgroup.
Due to passionate opinions that I was vocal about publicly, this perhaps ostracized me from that group. I didn't discuss these matters because I wanted to create drama.
Simply because I enjoyed dance and wanted others to enjoy it to. I was bringing to light views of my own and others of "problems" with format, image and so on.
Whilst this may of been taken as bashing something they've worked hard on. It wasn't he case, but trying to help something I enjoy and love just as much as they do.
But, that's old new, I digress.
I stopped doing dance competitions and stopped trying to be involved in that group. I gave up something I really enjoyed, Why? Because I didn't want to make those with in it and who didn't necessarily like my
personality to feel uncomfortable or forced to be around me. Basically I didn't want to ruin their, fun. Something they enjoy. I have enough other interests and
I respected those enough not to make things awkward for anyone.
So, for so many years later for folks with in that group to tell some stranger I don't know to avoid me.
Just hurts.
What else hurts are "friends" in the past month of silence I've had only one or two people notice. In fact, there are people I considered friends to actually show little
interest in me these days. Most people seem to just want to use me for which ever reason. Be is social gain, art, costumes, latex etc. It's made me incredibly wary
of new people and I find that i'm not longer interested in making new friends.
I was invited to a telegram group. XXXL Fursuits (or something like that). I love big fursuit bellies, so it was great to share this interest with others.
However, with in only a few hours. I was being kicked out of the group because one or two individuals expressed that my presence made them uncomfortable.
I guess what hurt is the person who looks after the group was someone I considered a friend. But, rather than talk with them and say. Hey listen, I know you don't like him.
But just put him on mute or ignore him. (grow a pair basically)
No, they kicked up enough of stink to make me feel unwelcome with in my own interest.
What's worse. None of my friends stood up for me. No one said hey, that's not really fair. They sat in silence. It showed true colors and level of friendship I have with these people.
Perhaps I expect friends to do what I would do for them in similar situations. Which might not be fair or realistic.
Now, I can count the number of people I call friends on my hands. There are very few people I trust in this world, it used to be countless.
Maybe it's finally hit where I've become burned to the point of no return.
I get it, i'm not perfect. I've pissed of people, burned bridges and made many mistakes over the past 15 years.
Perhaps, these influential people whom do have beef with me impact the community to the point where I can't enjoy myself. Where I can't recover from any of the mistakes i've made.
My character, presence and personality are so far damaged in the eyes of these people that I will never be welcome again in any of these groups or interests.
Maybe my reputation and stigma is to far ingrained in the minds of others.
I've tried to reach out to some of these people. It's met with silence.
What's worse. In my mind, I can only assume what I've done wrong. It's never been clear or perhaps i'm oblivious as to what I've actually done for these people to feel so much
disdain for me.
Some people i've spoken with say. Ah, don't worry about it. Forget them! Do your own thing. (hater gonna hate!)
Whilst I appreciate the support, it's simply not that easy.
I can't do my own thing. I can't enjoy any of my interests because the groups have made it clear I am not welcome. So, why do I bother?
I should simply enjoy my interests, privately with friends. There is little point in my eyes sharing them with the community anymore.
I've loved making music videos. Something I had always wanted to do. I know I can't sing that great, but I enjoy it. I've been blessed with friendships that have allowed us to create some
fantastic visual content.
I go to great efforts with these videos. To the point where I sacrifice my own enjoyment at an event to benefit the community.
At ESG a few years ago, I had fall out because not everyone could get a spot in the limo. I later found out this caused a lot of stress to a friend of mine (one of the organizers) and
was the reason why they themselves stopped talking with me.
They saw that I was selfish and didn't consider others or thought I was only looking after myself. This isn't the case, whilst when it comes to projects I have tunnel vision and may lack
the ability to see the impact it may have on others. I'm simply focused (and very stressed) at the task at hand. I try to be thankful to everyone involved, do it when it most convenient to others and so on.
So, for this to have impacted friends and those around me in a negative way. It's not what I set out to do.
I try to create things that everyone is welcome to participate in. We've had 100's show up to the videos, we do our best to give everyone air time.
Sure, I could pick a select few friends, film something in private. But, that's not the goal. The goal is to involve everyone! Dance is for everyone, fursuiting is for everyone.
It shows what fun can be had at these events. Advertising basically for those to come along and enjoy the same things they see on the screen.
I've had a ton people tell me they've gone to Anthrocon or MWFF because of my videos. It's very humbling.
This all comes down to a few people creating enough of an impact on my time in the community.
I've always been an outspoken person. If someone is doing me wrong or doing someone else wrong, I will speak up about it. I've had people take latex products I've designed and created with my company.
To be copied by other cheap Chinese companies. When I approach these people (in private I might add) for doing so. I'm the bad guy and then my reputation and names are dragged through the mud.
I'v worked hard on these designs. I created Squeak Latex so everyone with the same interest could have something I could only dream about when I first came into the fandom. Sure it's a business,
but I take a very low end profit to keep prices reasonable so everyone can enjoy. I have hate from the same people that share this interest. Why?! I don't understand.
People in all the subgroups I mentioned really talk trash about me. Never to my face, never wanting to discuss why.
I may of actually upset these people for legitimate reasons, I just don't know. I can't right a wrong if I don't know what it is.
I've been called arrogant and egotistical. I understand this may simply come from being known in the community.
Complete strangers hating me for no reason. I've had people get mad at me because someone they thought was me was mean to them. (I have people impersonate me on steam, facebook and other websites)
I didn't set out to be popular or make it any sort of goal. I just like creating stuff! I have a blast doing videos, fursuiting, performing and so on. Attention is great, don't get me wrong.
But, i'm not the guy jumping to the front of every photo, i'm not the one trying to steal the spotlight all the time. Everyone deserves attention! Know when to take a step back.
Honestly, there is no point having an ego in this fandom as a performer. Lets face it. I'm a 30 year old man who wears an animal costume. Why oh why would I ever have an ego over that?
Just enjoy it for what it is. If people like what I do, wonderful! means i'm doing a good job and it's rewarding.
I have had hundreds of notes and messages. I can't go more than a few steps at a convention with someone saying i'm the reason they joined the fandom, or i'm an inspiration.
I have no idea what to say to folks other than thank you. It's incredibly humbling! I just put on a costume and flop about, if my energy and joy I feel when i'm suiting transfers onto others. That's just incredible.
I've accepted that convention organizers for what ever reasons don't want me. I've offered hosting, shows, and simply wanting to be involved. I don't expect anything, I just like being involved.
I'm confident in what I do. It's what I do for a living I've been in entertainment since I was a child.
So, clearly something is wrong with me (maybe I am just an asshole?). I see other fellow performer friends being praised by conventions, being wanted for this event or that event.
I sing, I dance, I talk/host. I have known characters, i'm a costume builder, i'm an artist, i'm a pro mascot. I've worked for television, stage and have worked for some pretty big names. I have tens of thousands subscribers on youtube
and videos have over 1.6 million views.
Yet nothing, no one wants me?
It shouldn't bother me, it really shouldn't. I feel guilty that it does. Because, like I said. I don't set out to do this for reward or personal gain. Simply for enjoyment of creating something magical.
Just questioning and lamenting reasons why in my head.
I have other well known performer friends. They are loved by all, peers and groups alike. They've been just as outspoken as me at times, creating similar content.
But, maybe I just pissed off the wrong couple of people and it snowballed to friends, and then friends of friends?
All this has killed my confidence. I've always been confident in myself and my ability.
Over the past few years, this has been slowly dying and the need/want to perform, be involved or even get in costume is all but dead these days.
So here I am, 31 years old, 35lbs over weight which has been put on over the last couple of years and depressed.
All over silly animal people.
I'm writing this journal to give an insight to how i'm feeling and reason why i've stopped posting. I'm not looking for hugs or sympathy.
Problem is I don't know what i'm looking for or what I need.
Do I try to not let them see that they get to me?
I'm such a well known character in the community, but yet so rejected and alone with my interests and groups I want to be apart of.
Do I just make my own counter groups? (with blackjack and hookers! ;)) I don't want to create high school tactics or going against the "cool kids".
I dunno. These people probably won't even read this journal, realize they've had the impact they've had or even care.
Bottom line is, i'm not sure what I can do to love my interests again. I don't have the confidence to be me anymore.
Maybe I should have a more private experience and not create for the community anymore or try to be involved. I'm sure I can enjoy suiting, singing, dancing etc behind clothes door and amoung friends.
Maybe I've put to much pressure on myself to do so and that the negative that has happened
because of my content, actions or opinions wouldn't of mattered if I didn't matter.
Hopefully i'll get my spark back. I miss the joy that furry bought me.
It is just a silly hobby after all, it's supposed to be fun!
Whole idea was to put on a costume to leave the pressures of everyday life. Not create more.
(Cross posted to my dancingduke account)
I stopped being involved in the community for the past month. I stopped posting to twitter, responding to people and honestly ever checking it.
Same with FA and other social websites.
The reason being was for the past few months I've been hit with a crippling depression. No doubt a lot of this has been bought on by the big move
and change of life. But, there has been this underlying issue with the furry fandom for me which has been gradually getting worse over the past few years.
I've been trying to wrap my head around what the problem is. Why instead of feeling joy in the community I feel stress, bitterness and sadness.
I've been apart of the community since the 90's. I've always had a pleasure involving myself in it as well as contributing to it. It's always been a place
I could share my interests and find joy in performing.
However, I simply lack inspiration and feel like everything I have done over the past few years (especially with Duke) has been met with hostility.
I regret contributing and putting in effort, I simply should of just floated around in the background and enjoyed myself.
You see, I feel incredibly unwelcome these days. A lot of hate and school yard tactics is all I seem to get when I try to enjoy myself in furry.
Be it online or at conventions. I'm not talking about hatred coming from trolls, these are people with in the community itself.
I get that not everyone has to get along, or like one another. Personalities will always butt heads sometimes, but I personally will be respectful of those
I may not see eye to eye with. Especially if we have mutual friends or are in the same group.
This is the problem....
The subgroups of my interests are unwelcoming. Be it dancer furs, fat furs, inflation furs, rubber furs, party furs, music furs and so on. It seems that
a couple of influential people with in these subgroups has enough beef with me to push me out of them. Certainly expressing to others with in those groups
that I am not welcome and to avoid me.
I recently had an experience at FWA which was the nail in the coffin for me in terms of questioning why even bother with the fandom anymore.
This person, a well known fursuit performer and dancer fur. Whom I don't know, but admire and respect a great deal. I was excited to talk and meet with this person.
However, they actively shunned me, (in and out of suit). To the point where even when I said hello, they turned their back on me and didn't even respond.
What's worse. They where happy to talk to my husband and friends around me, but did the childish of thing of pretending I didn't even exist.
Perplexed by this, it nearly ruined my con to the point where I pretty much gave up suiting afterwards.
It had me questioning, why. What did I do?
I poked them via a private message after the convention and found out that circles they run in (dancer group) and they were told that I was to be avoided.
Disappointed to hear this and disappointed in that person not being able to make their own judgment about me, especially as we have plenty of mutual friends.
I guess what upset me the most from this is that this is 2016. It was clear back in 2012 into 2013 that I perhaps wasn't welcome or suited for that subgroup.
Due to passionate opinions that I was vocal about publicly, this perhaps ostracized me from that group. I didn't discuss these matters because I wanted to create drama.
Simply because I enjoyed dance and wanted others to enjoy it to. I was bringing to light views of my own and others of "problems" with format, image and so on.
Whilst this may of been taken as bashing something they've worked hard on. It wasn't he case, but trying to help something I enjoy and love just as much as they do.
But, that's old new, I digress.
I stopped doing dance competitions and stopped trying to be involved in that group. I gave up something I really enjoyed, Why? Because I didn't want to make those with in it and who didn't necessarily like my
personality to feel uncomfortable or forced to be around me. Basically I didn't want to ruin their, fun. Something they enjoy. I have enough other interests and
I respected those enough not to make things awkward for anyone.
So, for so many years later for folks with in that group to tell some stranger I don't know to avoid me.
Just hurts.
What else hurts are "friends" in the past month of silence I've had only one or two people notice. In fact, there are people I considered friends to actually show little
interest in me these days. Most people seem to just want to use me for which ever reason. Be is social gain, art, costumes, latex etc. It's made me incredibly wary
of new people and I find that i'm not longer interested in making new friends.
I was invited to a telegram group. XXXL Fursuits (or something like that). I love big fursuit bellies, so it was great to share this interest with others.
However, with in only a few hours. I was being kicked out of the group because one or two individuals expressed that my presence made them uncomfortable.
I guess what hurt is the person who looks after the group was someone I considered a friend. But, rather than talk with them and say. Hey listen, I know you don't like him.
But just put him on mute or ignore him. (grow a pair basically)
No, they kicked up enough of stink to make me feel unwelcome with in my own interest.
What's worse. None of my friends stood up for me. No one said hey, that's not really fair. They sat in silence. It showed true colors and level of friendship I have with these people.
Perhaps I expect friends to do what I would do for them in similar situations. Which might not be fair or realistic.
Now, I can count the number of people I call friends on my hands. There are very few people I trust in this world, it used to be countless.
Maybe it's finally hit where I've become burned to the point of no return.
I get it, i'm not perfect. I've pissed of people, burned bridges and made many mistakes over the past 15 years.
Perhaps, these influential people whom do have beef with me impact the community to the point where I can't enjoy myself. Where I can't recover from any of the mistakes i've made.
My character, presence and personality are so far damaged in the eyes of these people that I will never be welcome again in any of these groups or interests.
Maybe my reputation and stigma is to far ingrained in the minds of others.
I've tried to reach out to some of these people. It's met with silence.
What's worse. In my mind, I can only assume what I've done wrong. It's never been clear or perhaps i'm oblivious as to what I've actually done for these people to feel so much
disdain for me.
Some people i've spoken with say. Ah, don't worry about it. Forget them! Do your own thing. (hater gonna hate!)
Whilst I appreciate the support, it's simply not that easy.
I can't do my own thing. I can't enjoy any of my interests because the groups have made it clear I am not welcome. So, why do I bother?
I should simply enjoy my interests, privately with friends. There is little point in my eyes sharing them with the community anymore.
I've loved making music videos. Something I had always wanted to do. I know I can't sing that great, but I enjoy it. I've been blessed with friendships that have allowed us to create some
fantastic visual content.
I go to great efforts with these videos. To the point where I sacrifice my own enjoyment at an event to benefit the community.
At ESG a few years ago, I had fall out because not everyone could get a spot in the limo. I later found out this caused a lot of stress to a friend of mine (one of the organizers) and
was the reason why they themselves stopped talking with me.
They saw that I was selfish and didn't consider others or thought I was only looking after myself. This isn't the case, whilst when it comes to projects I have tunnel vision and may lack
the ability to see the impact it may have on others. I'm simply focused (and very stressed) at the task at hand. I try to be thankful to everyone involved, do it when it most convenient to others and so on.
So, for this to have impacted friends and those around me in a negative way. It's not what I set out to do.
I try to create things that everyone is welcome to participate in. We've had 100's show up to the videos, we do our best to give everyone air time.
Sure, I could pick a select few friends, film something in private. But, that's not the goal. The goal is to involve everyone! Dance is for everyone, fursuiting is for everyone.
It shows what fun can be had at these events. Advertising basically for those to come along and enjoy the same things they see on the screen.
I've had a ton people tell me they've gone to Anthrocon or MWFF because of my videos. It's very humbling.
This all comes down to a few people creating enough of an impact on my time in the community.
I've always been an outspoken person. If someone is doing me wrong or doing someone else wrong, I will speak up about it. I've had people take latex products I've designed and created with my company.
To be copied by other cheap Chinese companies. When I approach these people (in private I might add) for doing so. I'm the bad guy and then my reputation and names are dragged through the mud.
I'v worked hard on these designs. I created Squeak Latex so everyone with the same interest could have something I could only dream about when I first came into the fandom. Sure it's a business,
but I take a very low end profit to keep prices reasonable so everyone can enjoy. I have hate from the same people that share this interest. Why?! I don't understand.
People in all the subgroups I mentioned really talk trash about me. Never to my face, never wanting to discuss why.
I may of actually upset these people for legitimate reasons, I just don't know. I can't right a wrong if I don't know what it is.
I've been called arrogant and egotistical. I understand this may simply come from being known in the community.
Complete strangers hating me for no reason. I've had people get mad at me because someone they thought was me was mean to them. (I have people impersonate me on steam, facebook and other websites)
I didn't set out to be popular or make it any sort of goal. I just like creating stuff! I have a blast doing videos, fursuiting, performing and so on. Attention is great, don't get me wrong.
But, i'm not the guy jumping to the front of every photo, i'm not the one trying to steal the spotlight all the time. Everyone deserves attention! Know when to take a step back.
Honestly, there is no point having an ego in this fandom as a performer. Lets face it. I'm a 30 year old man who wears an animal costume. Why oh why would I ever have an ego over that?
Just enjoy it for what it is. If people like what I do, wonderful! means i'm doing a good job and it's rewarding.
I have had hundreds of notes and messages. I can't go more than a few steps at a convention with someone saying i'm the reason they joined the fandom, or i'm an inspiration.
I have no idea what to say to folks other than thank you. It's incredibly humbling! I just put on a costume and flop about, if my energy and joy I feel when i'm suiting transfers onto others. That's just incredible.
I've accepted that convention organizers for what ever reasons don't want me. I've offered hosting, shows, and simply wanting to be involved. I don't expect anything, I just like being involved.
I'm confident in what I do. It's what I do for a living I've been in entertainment since I was a child.
So, clearly something is wrong with me (maybe I am just an asshole?). I see other fellow performer friends being praised by conventions, being wanted for this event or that event.
I sing, I dance, I talk/host. I have known characters, i'm a costume builder, i'm an artist, i'm a pro mascot. I've worked for television, stage and have worked for some pretty big names. I have tens of thousands subscribers on youtube
and videos have over 1.6 million views.
Yet nothing, no one wants me?
It shouldn't bother me, it really shouldn't. I feel guilty that it does. Because, like I said. I don't set out to do this for reward or personal gain. Simply for enjoyment of creating something magical.
Just questioning and lamenting reasons why in my head.
I have other well known performer friends. They are loved by all, peers and groups alike. They've been just as outspoken as me at times, creating similar content.
But, maybe I just pissed off the wrong couple of people and it snowballed to friends, and then friends of friends?
All this has killed my confidence. I've always been confident in myself and my ability.
Over the past few years, this has been slowly dying and the need/want to perform, be involved or even get in costume is all but dead these days.
So here I am, 31 years old, 35lbs over weight which has been put on over the last couple of years and depressed.
All over silly animal people.
I'm writing this journal to give an insight to how i'm feeling and reason why i've stopped posting. I'm not looking for hugs or sympathy.
Problem is I don't know what i'm looking for or what I need.
Do I try to not let them see that they get to me?
I'm such a well known character in the community, but yet so rejected and alone with my interests and groups I want to be apart of.
Do I just make my own counter groups? (with blackjack and hookers! ;)) I don't want to create high school tactics or going against the "cool kids".
I dunno. These people probably won't even read this journal, realize they've had the impact they've had or even care.
Bottom line is, i'm not sure what I can do to love my interests again. I don't have the confidence to be me anymore.
Maybe I should have a more private experience and not create for the community anymore or try to be involved. I'm sure I can enjoy suiting, singing, dancing etc behind clothes door and amoung friends.
Maybe I've put to much pressure on myself to do so and that the negative that has happened
because of my content, actions or opinions wouldn't of mattered if I didn't matter.
Hopefully i'll get my spark back. I miss the joy that furry bought me.
It is just a silly hobby after all, it's supposed to be fun!
Whole idea was to put on a costume to leave the pressures of everyday life. Not create more.
(Cross posted to my dancingduke account)
Never really have gotten to say hi to you before, as you were always surrounded with many, many fans and people at various conventions in the past whenever I saw ya, particularly FC.
I have always been a fan of what you've tried to put forth for the community and, in a way, has been inspiring to me to give back to the community as well. I have pushed to help with my local convention's dances to improve their system and help with the entire situation. As I read your journal and dissect it, I start to see the same things you are experiencing; hostility, unwelcoming-attitudes, and single-mindedness in the various sub-groups of the furry community as a whole.
I honestly have only heard good things about you; how cool you were as a person and I've wanted to run into you at a convention and say hi for once. I was shy years ago, I've become something more personally, and it saddens me to see that you are experiencing the same stuff I have started seeing all around me. I know you aren't looking for sympathy or hugs from complete strangers, and to be honest, I'd be feeling the same way. I just wanted to comment here, saying, "I understand, I'm getting it too." and "You aren't alone."
I'd offer up to chat outside of FA, but I don't want to feel like I'm being a contribution to all this.
Hope that things go smoother for you, and that you find happiness along the search!
Cheers
I stick to the friends I have. And while it does suck, do not lose sight of your kindness! If you have to, confront the people who feel you wronged them and try to reach an understanding. You can't be everywhere at once, and know everybody's situations. But communication is important.
It's furs like you that make me feel a little bit more at home in this fandom, and personally I think you're also a fantastic dancer with Duke.
Persevere, Oz. That is what'll show people who you really are. Persevere and don't lose your heart.
I'm sure people who are antagonizing you want you to quit and it'd show them if you stuck through it and keep doing what you love because it is your hobby. You were one of the first furs I ever saw and got me interested in the fandom, so I mean without you I'd never be here. Don't let some bad people ruin your hobby, what you enjoy and detract from the loads of people that love and support you
I think what you are looking for is that spark of what makes you enjoy doing what you do. And especially do not let people get to you and define who you are, only you can define who you are and what you want to do with your life. Not even have them make you feel like you are unwelcome and take away what you love doing in your interests.
Stay strong Oz.
What comes to mind is, and don't take any of this too seriously (it's just a guess) but..... Perhaps you originally had too much faith in the community, and that's what might be causing you disappointment and loss of intrest. Maybe you wanted to hang onto the beleief that most furry fans are decent people who will appreciate and treasure any contribution to their culture, when in reality many of them simply like to shit on something that someone practicaly bled their sweat/tears into, just "for the lulz". I dunno how accurate that is, but I do see stuff like that happen alot; especially with Ponies, FNAF, and Undertale, for example. And it's unfortunate, becos' it discredits what it means to be part of a fandom. The crazy ones ruin it for everyone else.
So that's what I think might've happened here. Take what I said with a grain of salt. I hope this comment is atleast meaningful, if not helpful. I'm definately trying to be constructive here tho'.
That's all. Oh yeah and, thanks to you and Blue for first getting me intrested in infurlation several years ago!
I just wanted to let you know that there are people in the fandom who still appreciate who you are and what you do. You're right, it is supposed to be fun and when it stops being fun, sometimes you do need to just step away for a little while (I recently did that with the BDSM scene where I live and my ex ruined it for me). If you're ready to get back into things, seek out those who do make it fun for you.
If you're ever looking for an ear to listen to you, feel free to message me. I would be happy to hear you out and chat.
Loki
i love everything that you do both as duke and oz and more your amazing videos and art make me so happy and it makes me so sad to see that your so sad :( i really hope that you can get your spark back and i did very much notice that you weren't around and i would have tried to talk to you more but i really didnt want to bother you or make you mad at me
side note.. this is the fandom were you can hide be hind a mask you could just make a secret fursona and new suit and.. try to start from the beginning with a clean slate at lest tell your ready to go back to duke and oz
best of luck to you man i hope your real life also gets better soon
My apologies; I'd noticed you were quieter of late, but I remembered a few periods in the last several years that I've known you where you were too busy with other things to post in the areas that I follow you and assumed this was similar. My fault entirely.
May you find the pacing you want within the community.
I can't be one to say you brought me to a con or the fandom, but I can say you've totally earned my respect from meeting you and seeing all the awesome things you do. while i don't exactly care for some of the subcultures your in, I respect your work in them and you do awesome with it, which is why I watch you.
I'm sorry your peers aren't supported and some old prejudice has snowballed on you so hard you don't feel wanted or worth doing what makes you happy...
I've been a black sheep in an all white flock all my life no matter the circles so most things really are water down a warthog's back with me, but it also made me seem to be unapproachable. Your one of the few that felt it was safe to talk to me in the past in person and that alone is worth something to one like me.
I am in the fandom to be a big furry dragon. No more, no less. I don't dance, I don't draw and I'm still working on acting / posing. And as long as I'm happy with it - it's all good.
You have to go back and look at the reasons you got interested in the Furry Fandom. Go back to your roots. That's where you'll find happiness in the furry world.
And yes, I'm still up for chatting with you. If you have time.
PS. You can tell you're very popular and people like you. Just look at the number of responses. If I was to post such a journal I'd be lucky to get 3 replies.
At first, I was a bit afraid of the fandom. Then I got to see and know some really admirable people. FatalPhantomAce, Vasuki, Orion, Zeta-Haru, Buddy/JD and... well, the list keeps going. And one of those people is YOU. You, your awesome videos, your dancing, your singing, etc. Things like those made me think that this fandom is awesome. Yeah, it has some serious shit, but it's awesome. And it's awesome because of people like YOU. You've made a lot of people happy, you've brought light to really dark days. And you deserve far better things than those that you describe.
If you ever get to read this... Thanks for everything Duke/Oz. I really hope you find your spark again. I hope you get the things that you've brought to others, and overall, I hope you to be happy.
As you have probably read above youve plenty of watchers who'd jump at the chance to have a conversation with you given the chance but having a business to run yourself im sure people may be afraid to disturb you during your work period. It would be nice to be able to help you feel better and im sure we all want to try, thats my opinion *shrugs and smiles*
I just want you to know I read the whole thing. I'm sorry such events have happened to you, it's sad to see. Especially since your Youtube videos of the Oz suit were a big factor in me finding this crazy fandom.
I hope someday you find your spark again, you've inspired a lot of people and I hope you continue to inspire more.
People are horrible when it comes to those who positively influence others.
The people who would trash talk you and then steal your persona and creations, trying to bank on your success, they are simply lowlifes who have nothing going for them.
If it is any consolation at all, I have never and will never look on you as anyone or anything negative. You have done nothing but good for us all, and I will actually thank you for it all. To me, you are an incredible person and I wish you nothing but the best and great success from here on out.
For years I have admired your work. Your suits and performances were like nothing I had seen, and I could tell you were truly skilled. I've also hoped to meet you in person one day.
I suggest for now, try sticking in private groups with people you know or people you're certain you can trust, until you can get your spark back. By being with people who can be true friends, I'm certain you'll be able to have fun and be happy again.
I really hope you'll be able to turn things around Oz, I really do.
I hope you can your spark again.
Its sounds grossy cliquey, shouldn't the point be to welcome everyone?
Also if gatherings are making you miserable, avoid them altogether from a social point of view (if you have business to tend do, that's another matter).
I just wanted to say how much of an inspiration you are to me. When I saw that first video with you and your husband I was so touched and I really wanted to make music again.
I just wanted to say, even though I'm a person you never met and just one person, you made my life so much better as duke. I've never seen you as Oz, but you gave me the strength and the passion to go to my first fur con. I really hope you don't leave the furry Fandom. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. Thank you for everything.
I always thought you were pretty amazing. You made me feel so welcome and happy
to be a part of the dance competition and the music video shooting a few years back at Anthrocon.
I think you've inspired or improved many people's lives one way or another. ^^
Just...ah man. I dunno, I totally get feeling disenchanted with stuff, and just wondering what the hell you're supposed to DO now, etc. Just...I do hope you're able to figure it out. I hope you're able to make amends where able, I hope you do find a way to enjoy stuff again.
This is a rather complicated issue, and I can only imagine what words you chose not to put in this.
Reading this journal came at an interesting time for me. I was beginning to feel like I could anticipate myself going through something very similar if I chose to stay on some furry path for the next 10-20 years; part of me is afraid that pursuing this too far may lead me up the wrong mountain, ultimately leading to my end of enjoyment with these things and everyone being mad at me, for, well, similar reasons to yourself! My outward no-BS ideas and attitudes aren't always delivered nor welcomed the best.
This community is miserably ridden with passive-aggressiveness, back-talking and gossip, to the point that you either do it or joke about it (neither of which is cool imo) and its only a matter of time before that entire niche world is going to know you, for better or for worse. I've been in Ontario for less than 2 years as a less-than-active member and I'm already a crazed by it.
I've been following your stuff for years and I'd frankly love to get to know you; hear stories and learn something from each other. I've been to Australia once before (way too briefly might I add) and its somewhere I need to see again!
Given your headspace, it will happen if its meant to.
...not to mention, I did up a little gift for you in the last month, hope you at least enjoy this. :)
Keep rockin' it.
I have no idea how anyone can feel uncomfortable around you though xD
I haven't read any of the other comments here,
but I have a friend who feels pretty much the same way about the general fandom -and- about their favorite subgroups of it as you seem to.
ostracized, blackballed, cast out for no good reason.
they chose to stop participating entirely.
do what you wanna do. do it because it makes ya happy.
if it makes others happy, that's great, a nice bonus.
if not, well, at least one person enjoyed it!
I hope you'll find a happy place for yourself again.
for the record, I've always enjoyed what you do.
it's why I watch, and why I will continue to watch.
thanks for sharing it with us!