Don't let the past rule you, move past it, and keep on living.

It's going to get worse before it gets better. It always does with things like this. You can stick it out though. I obviously don't know you in person, but you seem like you have a lot of people that love you and care about you. If they're trying to help you, then they understand and they don't want you to feel this way. Getting well is a process, it's not going to happen all at once; it'll take some time and work. A lot of it. And I'm going to be honest, until then, you'll feel like shit most of the time. But as long as you're making progress, however slight it may be, then you're not letting anybody down.

Even small things count towards progress. Getting up to brush your teeth instead of laying in bed. Making yourself some tea. Putting on a fresh, clean pair of pajamas. Forcing yourself to smile when you first wake up, even if you don't feel like dying right there. Even if you stall for a bit, say you don't do anything productive for a whole day or two, but then you get moving again afterwards, that's still good progress! A few steps backwards are okay, but not enough that you can't recover from them. Therapists can help provide things like charts and graphs so that you can track your own progress. Things like journals and diaries can help with that as well.

Are you on medication? Often times that's all that's needed to take the edge off so that you can actually focus on building the tools and skills necessary to cope with your emotions. They aren't a magic pill though, they won't solve everything for you. It'll still take a lot of work. If you're weighed down by crippling thoughts all day, then of course you're not going to be able to get past it. But lifting those thoughts for even just a bit can make a world of difference, allowing you to learn healthy coping mechanisms. Then, ideally, after you have the skills in place, you would be weaned off of the meds and be able to function without them.

I've fantasized about killing myself nearly every day for almost... 10 years now? Some times it's a fleeting thought. Like "Welp, I should just kill myself." Other times it's more serious, like figuring out what I'm going to do it with, how my family will find me or researching methods online that are the least painful and messy. I'm on Zoloft and Resperidone now and it's really helped. I've tried Prozac, Abilify, Wellbutrin and host of others before finding my current one. Does that mean I'm all better? Not at all. I still have days where I think about killing myself. Recently (just this past year) I've starting carving words into my thighs with razor blades. Words like "worthless", "fuckup", "fat", "ugly". I'm far from well. But I'm still making progress. I'm learning coping skills from my therapist sessions and I'm learning to recognize when I'm feeling a certain way and how to combat it. I know how it feels to hate yourself and just want relief. I know it feels hopeless, like you'll never be well. But just as it can always get worse, it can always get better.

I've never talked to you before, I've never met you in real life and I don't know your entire situation. I don't even know your real name or what you look like. But I believe you can get through this. You have people that love you in real life and you have people that love your artwork and care about you in the virtual world, here on this site. I know we're just text on a screen to you, but we're actually people and we actually care. We really do. Please, take care of yourself. *hugs*

I've been in that state. Spent a whole month in the mental hospital. I don't know you well, I can't really give you any particular advice. But if you ever feel like you are tired of feeling the way you do. Just take a step back. Just relax and get away from it all. When I went to the hospital it was kinda nice because it felt like a time out. Just some time to think about everything and go on my own pace. They give me step by step method on how to feel better and how to improve me life style. Plus you get to hear what other people are currently facing inside there too. It really gave me something to think.

What I'm saying is. You need change. But only you can make the first move. The hardest part is to get started to work on yourself. You can't just expect to suddenly feel better the next day. That is why I would recommend just going into the hospital and just relax. They treat you like a kid there but at least you will think clearly. Those bad thoughts are all made up. You're thinking too hard. You think people hate you but that not true. It may not be clear now but trust me. Things get better. I still feel down once in a while, but life isn't so bad now. It nothing to brag about but it something. Now I'm just kinda living by the moment. Trying to find the next best thing. Killing yourself is a selfish act. You may have avoided the problem by completely ripping out what make you. But you're not fixing anything. You're just spreading your depression to everyone who cares about you.

Oh, and one more thing. If you don't feel like going to the hospital that's fine. But you do need to work on yourself to be able to get rid of that depression. You need to tear down your emotional wall. Share yourself more. Tell the truth. If someone is bugging you say it. Don't let those feelings bottle up inside. Also physical activities always helps. Start something small like taking a 10 minutes walk once every 3 day ish. Just to get you started you know? Anyway. I hope you feel better. There is always a way out. It not easy but once you get out of that depression you will become a stronger person.

I'm really sorry to hear this *tight hugs*
I hope everything gets better for you, you can get through this, you're a strong person
I just know it

Tsu, this has been going thru years, no one should expect that one day you'll just "get over it" one day

You're always welcome with, we will be with you every step of the way

Also husg ^w^

I wanted to commit the irreversible a few years ago, too. I'm glad I never did, even when it felt like it would have been a lot easier. Someone in the comments said that it gets worse before it gets better, well it's a little true. But when you get passed it, and the demons in your head get quieter and quieter, I promise you you will feel better. :) Please don't do anything too rash. I believe you are strong, because people only become strong through hardships.

I don't know exactly what it is that's troubling you, but whatever it is, I know you can get passed it. Just please... don't give up.

I just get angry at the past and make damn sure it never happens again. Every betrayal, every person who thinks their better then me, it simply fuels my anger. I don't allow myself to get sad or show emotion because rage is pure for me, it's protective and helps to survive. The only deaths I think about nowadays is everyone else's. It's easy to say you're haunted by your past, to just give in and die, but you'll always be haunted by it till you punch it in the face. My past isn't as sucky as yours, I can only imagine what "6 years ago" was (the fact you're a suicide baby kinda gives me an idea though), but depression is nothing but your willpower failing. You gotta get mad, you gotta get strong, you gotta grab life by the throat and dangle it off a rooftop shouting "Where's my money, bitch!?".

To give up is to let the past, whatever or whoever it may be, get you. To control you, to destroy you. Doesn't matter what the past was to anyone, it's better to be destructive than self-destructive. So vent. Scream, shout, burn down someone's house (okay, maybe not something so big), stab something, you can't let it win. This isn't about emotion or pain or whatever torture you've endured, right now this about you being the winner. Don't be the victim of this horror movie, be the killer, be the crazy eyed nutjob who ties life up in a basement and makes a mask of its skin.

Don't let the past win. Run it over, stomp on it a few times and set fire to it just to be sure. Nobody and nothing, past or present, real or metaphoric, gets the better of you. There's two ways to face any pain in life, fury is the one that makes you feel better.

You know I was going to post something mean like "you say this sort of thing all the time" or "you're never going to go though with this" in an attempt to turn your sadness into rage so you could have something to live for... but I can't say anything mean about you... but what i can say is I myself have gone though this exact thing (not joking) and all I can say is this... if you truly think this is the way things need to be, then I will not morn your death, but instead I will remember all the good you have done for myself and others. and if you do go though with it I will be okay with your choice and you will be in my top 5 favorite people who brought me joy even after death... right up there with Robin Williams and the actor who played Egon Spengler.